College Mom's Blog

End of one Journey

2008-12-31T19:33:00.000-08:00

So...it is now less than 90 minutes before it is officially 2009.

I quickly went up to Gainesville today to check on the cat and to make sure the rent was paid. She seem to be happy I was there. I played with her for a bit. She serprised me when I found her actually sleeping in HER basket/bed. Yes!! like it is about time girl! I just hope she remembers that it is HER bed and not her litter box! (LOL) Yes, I have caught her using it as her litter box. She can be smart but at other times, I wonder about her.

My sister tried to fix a daqauri today but, trust me it was disguesting. Number 1-she didn't mix it correctly; #2 -she failed to use crush ice; #3 it had NO rum or vodka in it. and #4 she mixed a mojita with a daqauri. <<<>>> thank God for Samuel Adams! Although my nephew wants me to try a new beer call "Blue Moon." never heard of it but he say's it really good with some fresh orange in it.

Speaking of oranges...while I was heading back to Gainesville for the 1 hour (4 hours round trip)...I stopped off at the rest area on the turnpike. Strawberries. Big plunk juicy strawberries. Not this little punnie green stuff. Huge delicious strawberries. I bought a whole flat ($18). When I got back into Orlando, I washed, cut and sweetened them. At least whatever is left of it. OMG!!! It was soooooooooo good!!! Where is my whip cream when I need it?! Or vanilla ice cream. I also picked up a bag of oranges and grapefruits.

So, this is the final chapter of this book- college mom's cafe/blog. It's a new year, a new book, a new chapter...a new journey. A new Mom's journey. Tim's life at college has ended...I'm no longer that "college mom." Maybe new life experiences will teach me (as I share them) some valuable lessons. Maybe my new year's resolution should be about the goals in changes and as I suceed in those changes...accomplishments- I can gladly share them.

So tonight, as we come to the end of the day. Sun has set, stars are shining....the moon is glowing and this chapter has ended, the book is closing, one journey has ended and another new journey has begun.

Happy New Year!!!

The End!

Last Minute catch up....

2008-12-30T05:07:00.000-08:00

We are quickly approaching 2009. It doesn't seem like we are now (9) nine years into the new millinum. Where has the last nine (9) years gone. Time just flies by to fast. Makes me a year older...when I rather be a year younger, know what I mean?

I know it has been a while (ok about a week) since I've been on. Last week I was in so much pain with my right hand, I couldn't even hold anything, or make a fist much less try to type with it. It was hurting yesterday,but today it feels "normal" (ok...whatever that is!). So before this year ends, I wanted to make sure I put in my "last words" for this blog.

I am in the Orlando area for six (6) weeks for something I really needed to do for myself. I am also going to help my sister. It is now tax season and her business is growing rapidly, so I'll be helping her for a bit.

Christmas...well. It didn't turn out the way i wanted it to be. I was in a lot of pain. I couldn't cook and it got so bad that I ended up in the ER. Because I was feeling sick as it is and then for my right hand to become so painful, we didn't even put up a tree. And for Christmas dinner, KFC. Yes, you heard right. KFC-Kentucky Fried Chicken with some cole slaw and bisquits. Fancy dinner...it was good even if it was not what I had planned I wanted ham, stew cabbage and some good ole fashion vegetables with black eye peas. Yeah I heard that is a New Year 's ever tradition, but I was to hungry for it now then later.

Well...last week, curious about "Sweetie" the kitten I took to the shelter to hopefully find its rightful owner, and if not, to be adopted out...died. She had the feline luekemia. Now it really worries me that my cat, Baby might have it since I heard it can be transferrable. I should take her in to be tested, but the last time (2) I took a cat in, guess what? They had it and was put down to sleep. I can't bare for that to happen again. So I've been watching her, see how she is doing and what is she doing. Right now, she is acting like sweet spoil self! (LOL). I'm praying that God will protect her from this disease. She is such a good sweet cat...my baby.

Tim is doing good...so far. Glad the semester is over....me too! It really exhausted us. I'm proud of his final grades! He passed! Yes!! Finished with a GPA of 3.11....and what seem to be not over exerting himself. (LOL) He proved me wrong. He really was pulling my leg (even if he says he was not).

Well I need to get going. My white chariot will arrive soon. I will be back before midnight strikes in the new year tommarrow. I know I had something in mind to share, but right now my brain is clouded with weariness. I guess it is the 40ish thing. It's hard to beleive in 2 weeks I'll be this "miseble old maid" (LOL) hitting 48 and coming to the end of a stretch of my 40's and perhaps fastly approaching my 50's. YUCK!! (I was going to say, there goes my love life!).

Adios...for now.

End of College days

2008-12-23T18:52:00.001-08:00

Have you been anxious to get your hands on something and no matter how patient you tried to be, you still feel the sweat in your hands, you pace the floors, you try to sit down but can't for long. You know that feeling right?

Well....for the last several days I have been waiting for Tim's UF grades to show up. It's like, "come on!!" It's the 23rd now...and it does say "late" but how late are they talking about. It's now about 10pm and still there is nothing! So do I have to wait till 1 am? Hell No!!! I might as well wait till sunrise than, you know?!

It seems hard to beleive that his college days are over for now. I am hoping to encourage him to go back at least to the community college or the online classes, if all possible. But he seems to given up.

It's less than two days before Christmas. I did some food shopping but we didn't have enough to do some really xmas shopping. I would like to get him something for Christmas since he is unable to eat real food. It's confusing, ya know? Maybe I'll get him a gift card so he can go get what he wants. He is still waiting for his christmas gift from his dad...and a DVD from Netflix.

The last few days I've been suffering what seems to be a cold...or allergies. Miseble. Then I got a call from CJ. She too has been sick with this. I had to laugh since this is not the first time this has happened. Then today she called me to come in to see her at her office. I needed to go over anyhow to take care another issue. I brought her christmas gift...a little Tiki water hometherapy.

Today, I've been suffering from arthristis in my right hand. No matter what I have tried to do, I can't ease the pain. It's painful to make a fist.

Tommarrow, I'm taking Tim to withdraw from the college. Then perhaps take him to Walmart to see if he wants anything for Christmas. Then I need to go home and clean house. Thursday, I wan to cook some ham, cabbage, black eye peas with vegetables. Maybe whiz some of it up and give it to Tim for his g-tube. That is the plan..for now.

Hopefully by tommarrow, we may also have a serprise for you. God willing!

Hope everyone has a safe & Happy Holidays!

A Celebration

2008-12-20T16:06:00.000-08:00

It's the Saturday before Christmas. Only five (5) more days until Christmas is here. Many families will be gathered and celebrating the holiday together. There will be gift exhanges, eggnog served along with all the dinner fixings of turkey, or ham with stuffing and the delicious side dishes. We, of course, can't forget the delicious desserts that most serve, either the apple or pumpkin, maybe the pecan pie. Of course I'm sure there will be brownies, cookies and little candy canes.

It is also where many families who are struggling financially will either be in a shelter or just spending the day together perhaps with no Christmas dinner and gifts. Some to no choice, while others due to the financial crises our country is dealing with, stock loss or other means, including loosing their jobs.

While Christmas is a day we celebrate the birth of Jesus, it should be a day also to be thankful for each other and the moment of graciously reuniting. Many families won't have that opportunity to reunite with loveones. Some will be mourning the loss of a love one, young and old. There are many who don't beleive in Jesus, while there are many who don't believe in the holiday itself.

When I listen to the Christmas music, it reminds me of my younger days. Times often with family on this holiday and the many times spent alone. There is something about the songs we listened to...it does put you into the Christmas spirit. It gives you a sense of joy, hope and even praise. It also gives you a time to sit back and relax with a hot cup of cocoa...or tea. It gives you a sense of thankfulness, appreciation, acceptance and excitement. It also gives you a sense of respectfulness for "holiness," reverence, a sanctuary.

This year I had hope to have my family gathered together for this holiday...and when it was suggested last year, none of my siblings responded. It was like no one wanted to spend time together...at a time when we needed to be together. I have yet to meet my new sister-in -law and her son. But seeing that my siblings and I are guilty of "hating" our father (well hate is a strong word) -can't stand being with him, I think that even the idea being with him made us all sick. Don't get me wrong...its just my dad can be very argumentive, insulting and still emotionally abusive. I don't think anyone is up to that for the holidays. Of course at the time of suggestion for the gathering, gas prices were outragious too.

In the past, I had put together alot of reunions, including my family; but for some reason I can't put together my immediate family. It not only scares me that they don't want to spend time together while we all are still alive, but the fear that they will have the same attitude when we die. So its like there are no "hello's" much less any "good-byes"...ya know? (LOL) Its pathetic!

This year, Tim and I will again spend Christmas alone. I will put up our little tree and deocrate it even if he does not care for it. I just don't know if this is his last Christmas or not. But I will do my best to make sure he enjoys something of it. Because it needs to be a memory for both of us, if there are no money for the Christmas dinner or gifts. It will be a happy and celebrating family of our own.

I hope this year, that you and your family remember to not only say "hello" that you remember the "good-byes" too. Be thankful for each other. Talk about the good ole days and laugh with it. It will everyone's memory-a good & happy memory. It will be a day to remember, the day Jesus was born. A celebration for all.

"The Poster boy"

2008-12-19T09:20:00.000-08:00

There is a poster that hangs on my bedroom door. When you close the door, it hangs there...and then if you are single like me (or even if your married)...you start to drool. Yes. He is a very hot guy, in his blue jeans, shirtless, sexy body. But then it reads this:

"I don't ask for much in a man. He only has to be tall, rich, funny, sexy, single, strong, good-looking, smart, romantic, charming, warm, sweet, sesitive, clever, athletic, kind, generous, punctural, sincere, and of course he as to be willing to feed me ice cream in bed every night for the rest of my life."

Of course, I have to smile when I look at the poster and laugh after reading the recommendations of a man. You can't help but dream for a man like that...and rarely would you find a man like that and if you do, you better hang on to him with a leash. In these days, its not easy finding a good man to love and who can love you back, unconditionally and always, no matter what.

I guess I can dream...seeing that I've been single all my life. A choice I made since I've been in bad relations and of course my fear is to find someone who is as bad as my dad. Maybe that is one thing I lack my faith and trust in and where the fear seems to take over. I know I need to "snap out of it" when it comes to that. LOL... I do. however, at this time of my life, as much I would love to be in a romantic relationship, I can't. Tim does take alot of attention out of me. I have a very liitle social life-if any. My best friend moved back to Texas so I don't go out as much and when I do, it was with the Gainesville Mom's. I don't think I've dated since the last 80's.

Oh I know... that is sad! It's actually pathetic! So maybe for 2009 I make some changes and take the risk? I just don't know where to start. church? clubs? grocery stores? library? social parties? maybe first what I really need is a REAL makeover. That I know I need. No disbute, no doubt, no argument there.

So...will I ever find my "dream" man? Who will I find along my journey this next year, or will I? Maybe after the "makeover" I should again put my faith and trust in the Guy above and maybe by miracle, he will be standing there...all along he had been waiting for me.

Survivors

2008-12-14T20:26:00.000-08:00

Survivor. It's a CBS show that I have watched the last 8 seasons. I can remember when it first came on back in 2000. I had just moved into a new town, started a new job and Tim was starting a new school. I was not into Survivor when it first came on...but my fellow workers were. They talked about it every week. You would think I would jump in and just watch the show...eventually I did towards the end; and that is what got me addicted.

I just finished watching the fnale of Coban where they played the game in Africa; and it was one of the best seasons I've watched. The person who I felt should win, did win. He also won as the most best player of the show. A whopping total of $1,100, 000. A physics teacher from the little town in Maine. It proves to you that no matter who plays the game has to have a good stragedy to win the game.

If it was not for my health, I would play the game, as I am so eager to play also Amazing Race, another great reality show. Both shows has your challenge yourself mental, physical and emotional. A lot of physical challenges to get to the end to win the game.

Tim faces his challenges everyday with his disability. His greatest is getting over the final exams and he is challenging himself by not studying for those exams. My challenge is to positively encourag him .... to study those exams to keep his GPA up. Even if right now he does not care. Physically and emotionally he is just to tired and does not want to deal with it. Part of me understand that. However, in a year or two or more, I don't want him to regret that he didn't do his best when he should decide to go back to college. I know he is intelligent, he knows it too. But I guess he is at the point that he feels physcially he just can't do it anymore.

And that scares me. It scares me because I feel he is really giving up on life. I don't if it was due to my own poor health-my exhausation of being his only caregiver or if he feels the disease is winning this battle, no matter how much he (and I) have fought for his own survivor. It scares me because (God forbid) I am afraid he will die sooner than he wants to muchless I think. I had been a big advocate on prolong life due to proper treatment and care and I pray that I have pratice what has been provided to me for him. I know God placed him in my life for a reason and why my "purpose" has been the last 19 or so years. But I don't know if I can "survive" his death. His father has not been there for him muchless for me. His father is a coward. Ran when he heard of the diagnosis...and continues to run like a coward. He had ever oppotunity to be this boy's father and he chose not to. But yet he preaches to his nieces and nephews about "success" when he can't be a successful father. He is souless. Clueless. Guitless. Heartless. Shameless. A two-face. He preaches but he does not practice what he preaches.

But in this world that we live today, we all are survivors. We all face different challenges in our lives. Whether it be physical, mental, spiritually or even emotionally. But it is through this "amazing race" that we face through our journey that helps us to become survivors. It is through the faith, the trust, the strength from God that pulls us through.

Are you a surivor? What "amazing race" have you won to succeed in life?

A College Memory

2008-12-10T17:10:00.000-08:00

I have searched for hours. I suddenly had the urge that I needed to find her. She was a college friend that I became close to. We did a lot of crazy things together while at Southern College. I knew she had lived in the Cayman Islands, but there were no guarantees that she was still there- after all it had been since 1984 since I saw her last.

I was going crazy not being able to find that address book that had her last address and phone number. Ten years ago I tried to come in touch with her and it was briefly. But then we lost touch again. Probably my fault. But lately, I had been thinking of her alot...maybe because whenever I hear something about the Caymen Islands I automatically think of her. I've always wanted to go down there, mostly to see her not just visit the Carribbean island but to visit with her. I knew once we sat down that all those memories will flash up and we would remember all the stupid but yet fun things we did in college.

We had attended a private SDA college in Tennessee. It has it ups and downs...its advantages and disadvantages, ya know? So due to that we learned to be creative with our journey in college. Like the big bulky car she bought and lugged around town. Or the apartment she rented for the "insane" boyfirend she had (but he was so cute and so nice!!) or when she tried to set me up with her brother as a "nanny" for his kids. Or how would sneak in Lin into her dorm room and hide him in her closet. LOL yes! we learned to have fun and tried to be as adventous as we can without being caught.

But now I needed to find her. I don't really know why. I just wanted to talk with her again and laugh with her again. I searched the internet. I searched and searched for hours. If I could just remember her mom's address (I remembered part of it) or her brothers name. I tried searching her by her maiden name-there were like hundreds of them. I laughed and wondered if they were all related. I went into different websites trying to find anything that may link me to her...somehow.

Then I found her in one site and from there, I found her at another website. I think I had found her. It was not 100% guranteed, but I believed I had found her. So I sat there and emailed her...hoping this was still her email. But I took the chance and emailed her.

Then this morning, I opened my email and there she was. She had replied to me and it was her! It was her!! I was so excited! I couldn't beleive it, I had found her! Cherry Delight was a name I would never forget. Not just her name, but who she is. I was thankful that she was still alive and well (hey they did have alot of hurricanes down there where many parished). We emailed each other for a few hours.

Then...tonight we talked on the phone. We talked for at least 30 minutes (hey international fares are not cheap!). I was excited that we had finally reconnected. IT was a good feeling to not only reconect with her but to know that she was doing good, she is happy and enjoying life even if she is NOT doing what she graduated with-a biologist. But hey, she is happy with her life, whose complaining!.

thank god for the new technology...without the internet, I might have never found her. and without the internet, she may have not been able to call me (she used through the internet).
I can't wait till the day when I can finally see her again.

It will be a joy...it is going to be fun...it is going to be Awesome!

Thank you Lord for the gift of friends!

Motivation in Recession

2008-12-09T20:37:00.000-08:00

I realized today that after next week, Tim will no longer be a student at UF. He will be college-free. Not because of graduation...but because he is "giving up, lost motivation" or as he better said today, "my motivation is in recession. the dow is -500...." lol He took two exams today, exams he did not study on because he just "didn't care" any more.

It seems that no matter what I tried to do, or say, or motivate, or encourage this last few days, it just didn't registered that he needs to keep his GPA high enough for financial aid if he should decide to go back to college in the future, even if it is not UF. But in his own words, " I just don't care!"

I don't know what else to do or even say to him. I can't force him. I do understand his reasons. He has lost alot of abilities, his limitations are really obvious. when it comes to the point that you no longer can feed yourself, type, write, brush your teeth, brush your hair, etc..etc... it does get very discouraging-or better term, depressing.

But to me, as his mother and main moral supporter (not even his day has encouraged him with anything), I feel I have failed him. I feel I should had done more or could have done more. I just don't know what more though. I really couldn't do his work for him. But he now fights me with it and even "threatens" me. I have told him that I want him to have a bright future. I reminded him that he has been foturnate to go to a good college and got plenty of scholarships and grants...and he had good GPA. But now it just does not matter to him. He just feels that his life will not mount anything. Of course, I disagree.

So I 'm not sure how much more I can persuad him. Even his primary doctor and others have encouraged him to stay in college. Do I let him take a break? Will that only make it worse?

He has two more final exams and I have advised him that despite his age, he is going to study with out any TV or his computer anime's Tough!! I just want to make sure his GPA stays above 2.0 and I want to make sure in the later years, he does not regret screwing this up. Know what I mean?

So...beginning January 1, 2009 I will have to start a new blog. Because I no longer will be a "collegemom" I don't know what it will be named...but it will be a new journey in blogging.

Today...I prayed and hope I found a dear friend that I met in college back in the early 80's. Although she lives in the Cayman Islands, I just want to chat with her, catch up and maybe go visit her. I hope I have reconnected with a classmate...a friend.

It's something I hope that someday Tim will experience in his later years.

To Agree or disagree

2008-12-07T08:36:00.000-08:00

I'm afraid I might have to do something that will be the hardest thing for me. And it will affect my social life -what little I have of it. But it may be the sacrifice I need to make anyhow.

Although I love and care about many at Gainesville Mom's- I have found that at most times, I don't belong. I feel misplaced. And although I have alot of respect for many there, including their value opinions, even if some may be right or wrong, I don't if many, or all have any for me.

I know we can disagree on many things- especially when it comes to politics. But I sense at times that I'm not wanted. It may be because I don't have a small child. It may be because people just think I'm crazy. It may be that my suggestions are just lame or not worthy enough or respected enough. I don't know. But my intuition speaks louder than anything else.

I cry now, but it won't be the first time I have felt the tears shed. Have you ever been with a crowd of people you think are your friends and suddenly you feel left behind. Left out. Lost. Confuse. Suck. Unwelcomed...to the point at times you feel sick. Not necessariy due to the individuals themselves, but perhaps the behaviors of not wanting to be wanted. I know that may not sound right maybe it sounds crazy. and although I would love to have friends, or even want friends, I'm not really sure if I have friends. I had hoped I did.

I disagree alot with my dad, because he always thinks he is right when most of the time he is wrong-even with" his facts." I noticed his cousin is like this too. they base their information from the wrong resources instead of searching for the correct information. It makes me sad that people depend on "wrong" information and not look to see what is right or wrong. I've learned not to depend on the media or what others say but to search it out first before making my judgment. Its call fairness. And I believe in fairness. I believe in chances. I do.

But I have given many fairness and chances-including Tim's dad, Victor. Far more forgiveness then he deserves...but he gets it anyhow. Maybe its me. Maybe I'm just the stupid one. Maybe more people are laughing at me than I know. I don't know. I could be wrong. I hope I am wrong.

I agree that people deserve fairness and chances and even forgiveness. After all, I know that God has given us this, everyday. I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful for whatever he has given me today, because I may not have tommarrow. Tommarrow is no guarantee. We have right now, today, the present. We need to agree to value life as it is and those we have around us. It is God's gift to us. for every day, God has a plan for us. we may not know what it is and we may not agree with it either...lol. But His plan is to help us become a stronger person, a better person, a understanding person; a forgiving person. So if we have tommarrow, we know what to do with the gifts He has given us.

I agree life is unfair. I hate where my life is going. Where Tim's life is going. I'm watching my son die-slowly. And instead of support from friends and family, I'm left alone to deal with it. I don't know if it because people care or not. I find people running more then coming. I disgree to put him in a group home. I don't want him to feel abandoned. he does not deserve that. No one does. I would feel guilty and ashame. But my feelings don't count, nor does his.

So even if we agree to disagree on different issues & topics, know I'm still sitting here shedding my tears, feeling my fears, worrying what can happen next.

Saved by the Bell..Lost & found

2008-12-05T10:08:00.000-08:00

Tim had been preparing for a couple of months (or more) for a class presentation for his Japanese Class. He and his partner, Janelle was in charge in presenting about Anime's. Both have a lot of knowledge in it. So when Janelle came over on Sunday, we had the chance to see the two in work preparing thier slide show, etc...etc...

Then the moment came to present the Anime in class yesterday. After spending time putting it together and ready to present it, the instructor decides not to do it, as he felt his lecture was more important since it was the last class. But wait!!! Wait!! after months putting this together and watching all 40 of the other students present it, Tim and Janelle couldn't do it? And although the lecture was good...it seem unfair. He had decided to let them present it on Tuesday- final exam day. Now the pressure is really on. One problem. Tim isn't taken his exam with the class. He has to go to DRC to do his, so he won't be around to present his portion.

I sort of laughed and told Tim he was saved by the bell for not presenting it, however it is like 15% of his grade. He also had to had an 8-10 page turned in. Well he turned it in, but it was no 8-10 pages. It was moreless just a draft. It was not completed and had alot of the elements missing, so I know that is not going to be the greatest grade. That is suppose to be another 15% of his grade.

I don't what all will happen...but I do know Tim is so tired of classes and exams. And to be frank, so am I. I know for sure he will not be going back to UF next semester or ever. It is just to tiring and I no longer have the energy to do it anymore, nor does he.

So when we got home yesterday, he went back to bed and slept. While he was sleeping, I stepped outside and a little kitty was strolling by....and I called out, "hey kitty kitty"...she turned and looked at met and came running to me. Now I've never seen her before and I don't think she 's seen me, but she came running like she knew me. She was the most friendly and sweetest kitty. She did have a flea collar on her. It was obviously she belong to someone, but no tag. I brought her in and fed her and comfort her and she took it with stride.

However, Baby my cat was NOT happy. She was psssss that this kitty was sleeping in her room, eating her food, drinking her water and hopefully using her litter box. The two hissed at each other, so I knew it was not safe to keep them in the same room (even if Baby basically grew up with 20 cats or more at the Humane socieity, but not for the last year). So I set up Baby's litter box and food and water out side of the room. It has been funny to see her guard that door, pacing the floors and acting like she is all worried about the kitty. I just think she is jealous.

So today, I took some pictures of the kitty and will pass out flyers -only if I can get someone to scan her to see if she has a chip so we can find her home. This cat has something to do of hiding behind washers/dryers and I'm tired of pulling out the dryer so she can get out.

Today, I saw the neurologist-getting ready (again) for the sleep study next week. She put me on some meds that may help with my nightmares. I seem to can't get rid of this headache and yet my sore throat is really feeling better.

Well I need to go find this kitty her home.

Do Not Block the Intersection

2008-12-03T07:39:00.000-08:00

I often wonder where people get their driver's license at. I have to laugh, cause I wonder if they get it from the Internet. Its seems that we all forget to follow the rules of the road-which by the way is for our own safety, right? But yet, (LOL) we still ignore it.

What amazes me is that the sign is right there! Right there! looking right down at you. Right next to the light that you are staring at. It clearly reads..."Do Not Block the Intersection" but yet people ignore it and, of course, block the intersection. And guess what? The folks on the other intersection can't go anywhere because cars are blocking their way. It's like, "hello! Can I please go through..." and yeah, those horns starts beeping, and before we know it, its almost chaotic.

I often have to laugh at those who ignore the signs and/or the lights. I don't know if it is a sign of forgetfulness, blindness or just plain ignorance. I sit there...my light is green but I don't dare move, because I know if I do, I will begin the lead of blocking the intersection. And since I'm related to Uncle Murphy (Murphy's law), it will happen. So I do ignore the horns beeping behind me because the light is green, however it is traffic time and the cars in front of me are not moving forward enough for me to cross the intersection. And even if I'm considerate to the others, the cars- ooops, I mean the folks behind me will not be considerate and block the intersection.

It's worse at traffic time- the 4-5pm traffic rush. Ohhhh how much we hate that time of the day. I hate it. But what I hate more so- is those who ignore the traffic signs. Not to mention the idiots who make U-turns in places that clearly says: "No U-turns" and nearly causes an auto wreck because of their ignorance. The sign is right there- right next to the light.

There are reasons why these signs are posted. And as humans, as smart as we are, we choose to be ignorant and make choices that are risky. Oh I know, some people just love being risky. LOL ...including me. But there is a limit to when you want to be risky. You want to be risky, but you don't want to be "stupid risky"....know what I mean?

God often gives us signs to direct us to the right way...its a way that will protect us and keep us safe. It will bring us much joy and happiness when we do follow those signs. When we make the right choice and use good judgment, we skip down our journey knowing that despite the bumps along the way, He will pick us up and give us a little push to keep going. I don't want to make any wrong U-turns or block others from where they need to be at. Including those emergency vehicles.

Help make this a safe & happy holiday for all...& don't forget to "obey" those traffic signs. They are there to protect you and those around you. Keep your eyes open and watch your environment, because even if you are a safe driver, there are a bunch of others who are not.

Tired of Waiting...

2008-12-01T20:42:00.000-08:00

Yes, I'm one of those folks who is tired of waiting. Tired of waiting in line. Tired of waiting for the food to be cooked (and I'm the only cook in the house). Tired of waiting for the house to be clean (yet I'm the one responsible for that). Tired of waiting for tickets to go on sale. Tired of waiting for this sore throat to just go away. Tired of waiting at a doctor's appoitment. And oh this is the best one...Tired of waiting at the Emergency room. (we all know that one to well.) And then tired of waiting in line at the pharmacy....ya know? Tired of waiting for the car to be fix. Tired of waiting to grow up...to get old. I can go on and on of what I"m tired of waiting and I'm sure anyone else can add more to the list.

Today I made an appointment with my physician due to a serious and painful sore throat. I was seriously hoping that I didn't have strep throat since I did not want Tim to catch it and he end up sick and back in the hospital again. At least not now. This is is not the time. He has a paper due, a presentation and exams coming up. My appointment was at 3pm. I got there at 2:40pm. I did not see the doctor until 4:45pm . Yes. I sat there...& waited.

The good news I don't have strep throat. However I was referred to the ENT to check my ears and throat and make sure my tonsils was still in tack. By looking in the mirror, I could tell my tonsils were enlarged and red. It hurt to much to drink, to eat, to swallow and even to cough. I was having discomfort laying down-struggling to breathe. I needed another refill on my inhalers as well. She was of course all on top of me about my diabetes....my sugar level was extremely high. I knew it was.

I'm actualy tired of waiting for this semester to end! I know Tim is as well. Just end!

"Just end!" why are so anxious for things to come to an end. Why are we tired of waiting? What is so important that we just can't enjoy this very moment. Are we also tired of waiting for Jesus to come? It's been talked about for years and we are still waiting! Because He is not ready to come and yet we see all the signs that He will be here soon. He is asking us to be patient and to enjoy this moment- to be thankful for it. To be thankful for this very moment that He has created just for each of us to enjoy.

Close your eyes. Take a deep breath...do you hear it? It's His voice whispering in your ears-in your heart. Can you hear the voices singing? Do you hear the wind blowing in the trees? Do you hear the birds singing...or chirping? Do you hear the rivers rushing by? Do you hear the waves of the ocean? If we took this very moment to listen- we hear God talking to us. No need to wait in line for this event. It's here ...everyday!

Pot Pie

2008-11-29T11:18:00.001-08:00

My grandniece,"lil' J" and her neighbor friend, Heather.

Traveling to Orlando on Thursday morning, was amazing how many families were still on the road. As we quickly drove past each car or van, you can see mothers or grandmothers trying to find a way to entertain the children either by feeding them or reading to them. These were families on their way to either celebrate the holiday with family or taking a nice small vacation.

Once we got to our desitination, we participated by helping out with the cooking. My sister was working on the turkey at the same time making the stuffing. It smelt so good, the onions, the mushrooms, the celery, the greenbeans and smelling the turkey baking made us all the more hungrier.

My sister had invited some of her friends over, the nighbor with his two daughters (his wife had left him), another male friend of theirs (whose car still sits in the garage with most of its parts missing) and a family from up the road. Their brough several apple and pumpkin pies (she claimed she baked them when she doesnt know how to cook). But then there was my nephew who was to lazy to help and spent most of his time complaining that the food was not on the table yet. Yet he was not doing anything to expedite it.

Once the food was laid out, I made sure I took some pictures ... families gathered around the buffet table and began to pile up their plates with turkey, yams, greenbeen casserole, stuffing (sorted ones), cranberry sauce, mash potatoes, salad and roles. We ate outside on the picnic table -enjoying the cool sunny weather. Later we enjoyed the deliciuos pumpkin and apple pie with cool whip.

Thanksgiving is suppose to be a day of thanksgiving- a day of fest with family and friends- a day to be thankful for the blessings God has given us. God created each of us differently and unique and for special reasons. Like a pot pie, we are deliciously made to serve a good purpose in the world we live in.

Like Thanksgiving, with sorted goods of food, meats, vegetables, potatoes and even the flakey crust- we are God's pot pie. Each of us are uniquely created for a reason to serve a purpose. Whether we are singers, mothers, fathers, mssionaries, teachers, doctors, lawyers, policemen and so on, we all have unique purposes here on earth.

However how you like to make your pot pie and enjoy the frangance and tastes, know that pot pie is a real healthy meal. Which healthy vegetable are you?

Lil' J enjoying her thanksgiving meal.

Thanksgiving Feast

2008-11-26T08:21:00.000-08:00

It's the day before Thanksgiving. The house needs to be clean-especially the kitchen (LOL) and the little Turkey roast we got needs to be defrosted. Groceries needs to be put on shelves and my temptation to the eat the pumpkin pie now needs to vanish so I have it to enjoy tommarrow.

Tim has a 8 page essay that needs to be written before the 4th and an anime presentation for his Japaneese class. So we gave up the idea of going to Orlando so that these things can (and WILL!!) get done. So this Thanksgiving, we are spending alone.Tim is still not able to eat solid foods since his hospitalization in September, so he is schedule to see the Gastro next week to see why. He still is having difficulty swallowing as lately I too been having that issue. He can eat soft foods like Mash potatoes or sweet potatoes. So I am making him candy yams for tommarrow and see if maybe he can try the roast turkey. We are going to give it an attempt. He does not like Pumpkin pie at all, or any pie for that matter. Please don't ask me why. He is strange in his own way. Funny...I guess that is how some men are. Even his dad is like this. He is truely a Lopez. Its like...how can you not like Pie? Right?! Only Tim...you gotta love him.

The Florida weather has been playing the Roller Coaster game. I like to blame all the northners or /and Canadians who bring it down and cool off our nice warm weather. Please leave it up there. Florida is our warm state, we like to keep it that way. If we want the cold and snow, we know where to go to get it...lol. I like to still run around bare foot and wear shorts, but its sort of hard to when somebodies bring all that cold weather down.The trees have not turned to those beautiful golden and auburn colors yet here, but know it will soon -at least in Northern Florida it will.

My family (the Bird part) will be scattered throughout USA. Most likely Christmas will be the same. My family apparently don't beleive in Reunions anymore- not even trying Skype. Its like they all are in their little world-all of them. We could go to Orlando and put off the essay til the weekend. But I know Tim, he will put it off till the last minute. I hate that. I'm debating whether we should go to Orlando to be with family. Maybe we should. go....or they can come here. nah that would mean i really would need to clean house....lol. (Ok, I am trying to get out of cleaning the hosue- what a lazy bum! )

I was on my way to go see CJ when I jumped into the van and all it did was "click click"...it did not start. I was like "NO!! not again?!!!" It happened just like this last March. So I'm wondering if God is trying to tell me something, right?! (LOL) After an hour and half, it was finally jumped. Come to find out, this cold weather is really draining alot of batteries. And no, I never got in to see CJ. (sigh!)

So....for me Thanksgiving is about family. Not just all that good food. I love family gathering. There is something about FAMILY. Something special. The thrill of listening to laughter. The excitement of cooking together. The joy of hearing stories. The sacredness of praying together. The santuary of feeling safe...& most of all loved.

Although I have a very dysfunctional wierd but strange family, I"m still thankful for them. And at the rate we are going, I'm afraid the next reunion won't be till we are in Heaven. It's sad and ashame....that there are not enough "Hello's" down here on earth when we do have each other, and to many "good-byes" at funerals where it ends.

Happy Thanksgiving!!.

Finding the Dream

2008-11-25T15:13:00.000-08:00

It had been a quiet few days. I finally took the courage to use my crock pot and cooked some fresh vegies and Roast pork. It was good! But quite spicey.

Tim was not feeling well today. He had been having some shortness of breath and a bad headache. I got up this morning, took my shower and got dress getting ready to take him to his classes. But he was just so out of it. I felt bad for him but told him we can go to his later class. By noon, he was still so out of it. I had to leave the choice up to him. Not that we were going anywhere this year anyhow.

Today, I had plan to just lay back for most of the day, since he was choosing not to attend classes. Then I discovered that Baby (our cat) had got into the M&M Premium candy. OH No!!!! I quickly took it from her. She must had mistaken it as her treats. I watched for the most of the day hoping the chocalate did not affect her. She seem to be doing ok after a few hours.

While reading one of the posts in a thread at Gainesville Mom's forum, I learned one of the mom's had a fear of wolves due to a nightmare she had as a child. I could tell the dream or nightmare had a clear message in it. So I told her about. The more she told me about the nightmare, the more I clearly could see what was really going on. But I knew she had to figure it out mostly on her own.

I was reading another friends info on Facebook and found a group praying for a friend with cancer. It also led to another site. Then the news sadly read that she had died on Sunday afternoon. But as I was reading her journal, it clearly was reading that the last few weeks of Valeries life, her parents, her husband and her brother had spent time together traveling up and down the west coast. Living her dream in an RV.

Isn't it just wonderful that Valerie knew that the little time she had, she chose to spend time with her family instead of a hospital dying or feeling sorry for herself? She spent quality and precious time with them-because the memories of good times is what lasts a life time for them, even after she is gone. Now that her battle is over, her husband and parents are taken her home to her final resting place.

I wish I could do this for Timothy...take him to places he wants to visit-people to be with. Its something I think I would want to do if I knew I could.

But now part of me understands why Tim said earlier..."I want to go home."

A Cold Week

2008-11-22T19:50:00.000-08:00

I sat down on my recliner chair to rest after a long afternoon. I had opened the bottle of wine to relax on. Sipped a little and then went to lie down to rest my hips and back. I was ready to watch my movie, "Savannah Smiles" but needed to put the cold food away first.

Ok....I don't who the Canadian that brought down this cold weather, but they should had dropped off all the cold weather (and I can't emphasize enought "ALL" the cold weather) -leave it up north and leave the warm weather to us in Florida.

The last few days has been freezing cold. Thursday I had to make sure I brought Tim's Gator blanket to keep him warm. It was even cold in the classrooms. He had his X-rays done on his left shoulder on Wednesday...it came back negative. But yet he is still in so much pain.

I attended the Mom's Night Out with the Gainesville Mom's. We went to Fresco. It is a nice small Italian restaurant. The food was good. I had ordered a dish I have not had a very long time-eggplant parmesan. Today, I went to go attend our Scrapbook afternoon, but no one showed ...:( So Stacy and I discussed the cookbook we want to put together next year along with a few more Gainesville Mom's. After that session, I spent a few hours at one of my favorite places...Super-Walmart. How Suhhhhhweet! I went into purchase only a few things and came out with a cart full of food. I know it will last no more than two weeks.

Due the Economic issues within our state and country is going through, my nephew was unfortunately one of the thousands who lost his job. And of course, it will not be easy to find a new job either.

Sometime I wonder how much longer we will have to deal with all this. It's something we of course will have to deal with until someone tries to fix what Bush has done. But the good news is that the cost of gas is going down. My feeling is this...just a theory whether it be right or wrong, just know others agree with me. As the days come closer that Bush leaves the white house, the more the cost of goes down. He earned his money from all this oil and now he is leaving the presidency, the cost of gas is fallen.

I do hope those who missed out in their summer vacations or trips has a better Christmas.

I finally took a nap today. I needed one. I must had slept for a hour. Then I sat back in my big chair and watched my movie. It was the perfect family movie to watch. I needed the laugh after the tears....then I browsed through the internet before watching move television. The sun had already set...Saturday was coming to an end. One day closer to 2009.

Sunset Praise

2008-11-18T19:23:00.000-08:00

I awoke this morning to see the sun shinning, the sky blue but the weather freezing. I am in northern Florida, in Florida. I moved to Florida to get away from the winter weather. I can't stand the cold or even snow. And now that I suffer from Arthristis- it does not help to have all this cold weather, ya know?

Once I got Tim up, dressed and we rolled out into the cold, it was like....burrrrrrr! this is just to cold for my blood. We got through the day just fine. I even ordered him some hot tea from Starbucks- passion (he didn't like it even if I loved it). The weather was indeed to cold for Tim. His small frail body just couldn't handle it. I did bundle him up, but the cold weather caused him alot more pain in his left shoulder. I didn't know what more to do for him. The herbal tea could had helped, if he had drank it.

Then we arrived at his Pysch class. It was on Gender. The subject was moving along just fine. Many of the students were participating in the topic. I raised my hand, because I caught the instructors talking about mothers choosing to work over staying at home, but then she did bring up how some mothers chose to stay home with the kids over working. She was sort of being critical about that. I kept my hand up for at least five (5) or so minutes. I waited and waited for her to call on me to my opinon...but she kept calling on others who raised their hands long after I did and then she decided to change the subject and move on. I felt that they should also be advised or informed that there are many mothers who choose to continue with their careers and still raise their children by working at home. However, she never gave me that opportunity to speak about it.

For some reason it upset me that she continue to ignor me. I stepped out side the classroom for a moment, came back in and sat there again listening to more of the lecture, and then again decided to step out. Part of me was upset due to that she ask for everyone to participate but yet she chooses to ignor some. How can she credit them for participating if she ignores them. I stood up and walked out again and as I walked out the classroom I began to hear music.

I was not sure where it was coming from, but I followed it. And then there they were. A large group of UF students standing there singing Praise music. I continue to walk closer to them, noticing that they were praying. The closer I walked to them the more I heard a guitar and voices singing quietly. Hearing them softly sing praises, I suddenly felt calm and mentally at ease. It was a just a wonderful sense - a circle of love and hope.

I slowly walked away and headed back to Tim's classroom. I felt a little better about myself. I felt God's presence for that moment. I felt a need of belonging and for that moment I belonged to a group that praised God in prayer and song.

When class was done, I was disappointed that the group was gone. When we got back to the van, I found a ticket on my van, not because we were parked in the wrong place but for an expired UF decal. $30!!! I'm going to fight it. But as we drove off, we turned on the radio, and lo & behold the Christmas carols were ringing there.

Despite the cold winter evening, I understood that despite my anger over something small and stupid, God was still there. It took a group of UF students softly singing His praise and their circle of prayer that help me to open my eyes ....& to listen to Him for that one moment.

Isnt' that fabulous!

The Chair

2008-11-17T12:06:00.000-08:00

When you look at this chair, what do you automatically think?

If you were to sit on it right now, how would it truely make you feel?

And what does it represent to you in your life?

Of course, when we look at this chair we automatically think of a doctors stool in an exam room. Right?! So what is the signifinces of this exam chair. If you ever sat in it, you probably enjoyed swinging around, roll around, slide up and down and even maybe slouch on it. However, I have found that fun part of it is rolling around...& sliding on the floor. You know, like we did with socks.

The feeling I get when I sit on it- is some type of satisfaction of ownership. I enjoy the feeling of rolling, or swirving in circles. Feeling the little breeze and even the butterfly feeling, until I start feeling dizzy. Part of me also likes to hear it roll on the ground and the loud grounding sound if it rolls on wooden floors. It just reminds me a little bit of what happiness must be. Its just an exciting feeling.

The chair represents alot to me, mostly authority. For some reason when I sit and play on it, at the same time I have that "authority" feeling; even after a childlike play. Its like I have a sense of a very large bubble slowly flowing in the air and crown you with some kind of power. I know we laugh. It probably sounds totally stupid. But maybe at this moment you are having a "flashback" if you ever sat on that chair (or any office chair that swirlves and rolls).

In our lifetime, we have our ups and downs, our swirvling, and even our rolling when we face the tribulations and trials. Perhaps from spinning, we feel lost, confused, & out of control. Out of control...do you ever feel that your life is out of control or/and the things around you are? I know at times I do.

God is our greatest Physician and if we allow Him to sit on the exam chair and help "fix" our sorrows, our pain, the out of control feeling, the lessons from the joy sitting on His chair will give us the power to put our lives back in control . We don't have to be rolling around in anger and hate, or spin in circles with confusion, or slide up n' down in and out of love with ourselves.

That is what the chair means to me....not just an doctors exam chair.

It has power.

It has authority.

It has healing.

God's Art work

2008-11-16T16:21:00.000-08:00

I had been browsing the web most of the day, other than trying to read a book. My eyes had become weary. While on Facebook, I read a comment a friend mentioned of the ministry work she and her husband was doing...so I thought I would call and see if I can help with something. We, of course, got to talking not only of the DVd she was working on but all the people we suddenly found on Facebook that we knew from church, academy/HS days, even college and casual friends we have met along the way. We even talked about our kids. But while talking to her she mentioned somone she knew from MM up on NH. I then knew who she was talking about and she told me that her father was dying.

I nearly stood up in shock. Why didn't I know about this? After hanging up with Lorna, I ran to my room and wept. I was so angry that I was not told and was of course afraid it might had been to late to talk to him. I needed to clear my eyes with tears so I can read phone numbers, and I was not able to reach anyone (his ex-wife or his two daughters he adopted that I knew). I was growing more and more discouraged and depressed. Finally, I just left a message on Marcia's voice mail.

The Mietlzers have been like my family to me for many years. I sort of adopted them, as they have "adopted" me. They were just wonderful and fun folks to be with. Marcia at the time was taking nursing, Niel, a well known artist from the west was working at the press/printing office. Their daughter, Charlotte had just graduated from Castle Valley and Carrie was still at Stonecave. I felt that I had a family I could accept or accept me. I knew even in my early 20's I still had a lot of growing to do. But they seem to help make me feel a little more comfortable with myself and we always had fun doing things together.

When I ran off to college and the things of my life, although still kept in contact with them, our relationship sort of distanted. Then they were living in Maryland when I was. They had the cutest cottage in WVA while he worked in Hagerstown. Then suddenly, without any warning and such haste, she left him for another man. I could remember feeling so heart broken. So afriad for both of them. Char and Carrie was already all grown, Char married with a baby and Carrie out and about with her own life. I tried to talk her out of leaving Neil. He is such a good and loving man. He had been good to her and she knew that. But for some reason, she had fallen out of love with him. I knew there probably something more to this, but it didn't matter to me. I felt suddenly this "family" I had was fallen apart and I could do nothing to fix it.

This happened about the time I was ready to get married and of course they were part of the wedding- or would be. But of course even my own engagement fell apart too, and the wedding didn't happen. I wanted so bad for them to stay togther-like a child not wanting parents to divoice and finding guilt and blame. Oh I knew I was not to blame...but still.

Today, I felt the pain again as I learned that Neil, whom I've kept in contact with over the years was ill with Pancreatic cancer. I could not find his number and prayed that he was ok...I needed to talk to him. It was something I needed to do. Marcia and I talked and she gave me his number. She told me what was going on. I still felt the pain of knowing a good friend was suffering. He is now 78 years old...and still works as an artist. His work is beautiful and I admire him for his passion. It is through him that I have learned to really appreciate art. He taught me alot about colors, and even in photography. He gave me one of his professional hassleblad cameras years ago that I used to enhance my photography work. He taught me to appreciate art and photography.

I'm sad to know he is ill, and may leave us. I pray God gives him the strength and hope for a better life. I pray that through this time, God be with him and his family during this tough time. But I know Neil - he will always find a way to make something beautiful out of this, if not in the life he lived, definitatly in his art.

Isn't it amazing how God puts people in our lives and we many not always understand or know why-but He surely finds ways to even teach us how to appreciate the little things. Not just the colorful flowers we ponder upon, but the amazing talent of art that gives us a message in the lines and colors. God's art work and gift to us are artist like Neil Meitzler.

I bow to him with graciousness and stand applauding for his wonderful accomplishments and the gifts, the talents that God has given him.

It just doesn't come soon enough...

2008-11-15T11:36:00.000-08:00

I laid on my bed this morning, trying to wake up. I turned over and realized my radio was sitting there, reaching over I switched it on hoping to listen to something I can lay and enjoy, but the first few notes told me they were already playing Christmas music. I quickly switched it off. It's just to soon to listen to Christmas music for me. These holidays have become to commercialized and it really ruins the joy of the what the holiday is really about. I heard it again early this evening while driving on the road....but it clicked as I listened, there is something about hearing Christmas carols.

I can remember as a child what Christmas was about in our family. It was just not the gifts, but the joy and time together. Now as adults, and trying to bring in our own family tradition, I realized I have failed that with my son. But even he saw how the holidays have turned into something else. So on Christmas, Tim and I just treat it like a normal day, other than have the goods of the food. Nothing like a good turkey, cranberry sauce, sweet potatoes or candy yams, mash potatoes with gravy, corn bread and of course for me, pumpkin pie! (Tim hates pies and I'm not sure why!)

Thanksgiving shouldn't be the one day of thankfulness...everyday should be. Yes, we have the joy of coming together and eat alot of good food- no doubt that is every one's favorite part of the day. But I'm afraid most people forget to be thankful for what they have and who they are with every day. Thanksgiving is a day to celebrate, it reminds us of our fathers who came to this country to give us freedom- freedom of values, of religion, of dignity, of hope....should I go on. I think we all know where I'm going here.

Christmas is not to far away from now...we all are most anxious for that day to come and it won't come soon enough. To most with small children, we will have the joy of watching our children excitedly open their gifts. It will bring back alot of memories for most of us. Days of our childhoods- happy moments.

At Christmas time, I think of my late grandmother, Rose. December 24 was her birthday and December 26 was her wedding anniversary. I remembered she told me once that she was cheated out - she only got one gift for the three days...not the three as she kept telling herself. I had to laugh. Anyone would think that. A gift for each day, her birthday, Christmas and then her wedding anniversary. On June 4, 1999 she passed away from pneumonia. We had her memorial service two weeks later. Many of her children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, nieces, nephews and friends surrounded her little grave site to share their love and memories of her. She will be forever the patriarch of our family, even if she is gone.

Well...I'm going to sit back, enjoy my hot apple cider and reminisce my childhood Christmas memories...of my mother, my grandparents, my siblings...& with God.

College & physical Challenges

2008-11-14T18:40:00.000-08:00

I actually got up earlier enough today to do some house cleaning. I had a goal of what needed to be done by noon. By the time I was done with the second room, I was so tired and in pain. My back and legs could not hold me up any further. The Arthritis is just getting worse. However, I did enjoy listening to my CD- music from the 80's! nothing memories of the old days! LOL

While at Tim's doctor appointment, I thought I would collapse. The pain in my lower back and hips was just unbearable. But I survived it...like always.

Tim's doctor was glad to see him...she is a joy to be with. She really likes Tim and really looks after him. She was pleased that he had gained alot more weight. She was concern of his left shoulder and the pain. She was also concern that he was quiting college due to his physical limitations. She encouraged him to go back next semsester if possible. I have encouraged him too, however I don't know how much I physically can handle it either. So I suggest that he try to keep his GPA up so he can still get Financial Aid if he should take online colllege classes.

I had a sleep study scheduled for today... the nightmares, the night terrors I beleive does cause the snoring...since I can hear myself snore and I notice when I do have the nightmares. I also have noticed at times when waking up that I can't catch my breath. But when I got there, they seem not to have me on their schedule. It seem to be a conflict since I was holding the papers they had mailed to me and there it was on the forms, for November 14. Apparently my scheduled test was cancelled and someone failed to tell me...since they failed to confirm the appointment. They claimed they called, only I was home all day and the phone never rang. I was gone only a few hours today, and there is nothing on my caller ID or voice mail. So....<>.

Tim is working on his Japaneese paper...at least I think he is. It is due on December 4 and it has to be at least 10 pages long. He is writing his paper on the Samauri. Even I am enjoying that class. I would love to go visit Japan. Someday.

Well...I need to go check my email, face book (again) and my other groups. I'll be back, but can't promise when....

I have had a thought that has come to mind...I would like to coinsider being a foster parent one day. However, despite my experience with special needs, I don't think I would do it again. I don't know. I guess it is something to pray about.

Not Now-Wait till later

2008-11-13T11:48:00.000-08:00

"Not now...maybe later".... I heard this so many times in my life. And I wait till later and again, I hear the same "excuse". Its like later never comes and if it does, it is still swept under the carpet, like it is just not worthy or important enough for now.

Now. Now because tommarrow may never come. We don't know about our tomorrows, so what we can do in the present could be a privilege, special and it is important.

Life is often full of disappointments and discouragements, including little projects and big projects that we create to not only help motivate us to live on, but you know in the long run it can or will benefit many others. At least that is what I normally get involve with. I've tried to do projects (OK, not my scrapbook) that might benefit me, but I'm not really happy unless it is truly benefiting others. Its gives me the motivation, the joy, the excitement to live on...to move on.

For me, I may not have "later", when I have the present. Now is the time to feel motivated, the excitement and the joy. If I wait till later, I may no longer feel motivated or excited or the joy. It comes with my depression. So when I have something NOW to keep me out of my depression, then I refuse to accept the "Not now, wait till later."

I know in our busy lives, it seems that waiting for later is better than now. Oh I understand that totally. I can be the biggest procrastinator. But guess what? Its due to my procrastination that causes me to loose my motivation, my excitement and my joy in getting something important done.

Has anyone else felt this way? Procrastinate or take the big step and do it now! Are you a "not now, wait till later" or you like me at times and be spontaneous?

One simple question, what if you didn't have a tomorrow (or later), then what? How do you deal with this, if you do? Is it a coping skill you've learned to deal with? If so, what do yo do; if not, how do you deal with it? Are there any reqrets from the past that you "waited till later."

When there are to little 'Hello's"

2008-11-10T11:42:00.000-08:00

I have been having confusing feelings. Not sure what I'm suppose to really think, feel or say. I think I've been setting myself up for a great disappointment- maybe desperately needing to be accepted.

Then after a year, today I saw something air on television that I didn't think would ever happen. A year ago, after Catherines death, I was on the local news about that accident and after the interview I had given the reporter a DVD from the PPMD Advocacy with Olympia Durkasis on it. I didn't think they would air it since they were the MDA Telethon and there seem to be a "conflict." I had to laugh. Who cares! Its all about Awareness. Its all about findng a cure for Muscular Dystrophy. But suddenly today, our voice was heard here in Gainesville by airing the PPMD Advocacy DVD. It was just sweet air to hear and see it. I could not help but jump with excitment. I had to call and write them to thank them!!! Thank you!!

However, I was still feeling stuck with something else. You see, I'm a family person. To me, family is important. Its the link to who we are, where we are from and its the support to our good and bad times, for each other. Its the times together that we can laugh with the happy times and stories, and the times we cry together when a love one is gone. Though I wonder how my family would really remember me if I should be "gone".

I feel my efforts of somehow keeping this family together - somehow keep & stay connected. I have thrown out ideas of family reunions, online connections and even video (internet) conference and so on seems to go on as useless. No one responses. Its like no one cares.

Over a year ago, I asked my siblings to send me recent photos of them and their family. Until this day, no one has responded. I even suggested to my siblings that we get together this Christmas and have it my dads. We have not done this since we were children. NO one has responded. I feel all my suggestions and ideas are just useless. Why do I keep doing this. Why do I keep making suggesions and persistent in having a reunion when no one wants to do it or care to do it. I never hear from my brother or my eldest sister. But I do make the effort to contact them.

For many years, since Tim's diagnosis, I've asked to help support by raising money for organizations like PPMD. and while there are some relatives who have cared to do it, I think after so many years they do get tired of giving. I think I can understand that. So I stopped the fund raisings. Even I got tired asking, even if I do want to save my son's life...I don't think anyone else cares to do so, inlcuding his father. It does get tiring, exhausting. Worrisome and wearisome. I get it.

So...you can see why I may feel the way I do. I'm afraid my little miracle of a family gathering won't be till someone dies. Sad as it may be that people make the effort to come say "good bye" to someone but they could not make the effort to come and say "hello."

When was the last time, you made the effort to go say "hello" to family member (s). Are you lucky enough to have family close enough to say alot of "hello's" that the good byes are terribly hard. Or are you like me, where there are few "hello's" and lot more "good-bye's"

So...(God forbid) if you should unfortnatley taken away from us in this world, how would you want your family (and friends ) to remember you?

I Want to go Home

2008-11-08T19:36:00.000-08:00

As I was assisting my son with the adjustment of his wheel chair, my son suddenly blurted:

"I want to go home"

I looked at him strangely. He chuckled abit and looked up at me, "I don't know why I said that." He chuckled again.

" Are you wanting to go back to Sebring, or Orlando?" I asked him. He laughed again.
"No."

"so why are feeling like this?" I was curious.

"I'm not sure, I've been feeling like this for a long time." He replied. And the conversation ended there.

I thought it was interesting that suddenly Timothy felt he needed to go "home". To which neither of us understood why he felt this way. But then I got thinking, is Tim's body really deteriorating so much that maybe his home is someplace other than here on earth? Why did he feel the need to go home?

I think the way things are going on right now in this world, I think many of us are feeling the need to go home.

Is Tim feeling homesick? I know at times I feel homesick. Do you feel homesick at times too? Wanting to go home.

When you think, "I want to go home", what comes to your mind?

I have been helping Tim with alot of his class work due to his physical limitations. He has a 8 page paper to write on the Samarai. We have watched the movie, "Twilight Samaurai" and now having to find the resources. I found it interesting that these men are so high skilled trained to be warriors but lived poorly. In this movie, he chooses to fight over to kill a man, and not with a sword but a bamboo sword...only because of his morals and values. But when he returns home, he finds a treasure he could not resist and kept till the day of his death.

My son wants to go home....I just wish I knew for sure where that is...& when he will leave. I hope soon he will realize that he is already home.

TGIF

2008-11-07T14:52:00.000-08:00

So lately, I have been in so much pain. My low back, hips and downward. Sometimes just to painful to get up from the chair or the sofa. I just can't take it anymore. It worries me, because at times, its to painful to lift Tim- or to move him, adjust him in his chair. So I just sigh for now and pray that God gives me some kind of answer? Ok...there is Advile...or Aleve. I can take something stronger maybe. But lately, I've been having problems swollowing. Even pills. Often liquids. And my stomach is just....ugh! (LOL) I feel I'm just getting old.

Today I got a packege in the mail. I had been waiting for this packege for a year now. Yes, a year. Last summer (2007) I hosted my High school homecoming in Chattanooga and many, of course, took pictures and video. Its finally done. 3.5 hours of photos and video of our reunion. ITs nice to see faces and hear people having a wonderful time. I hope my fellow classmates/alumni enjoy their DVD's when they receive them. Beleive it or not-me, the person who loves to take pictures and video- hardly did any. Seriously. No...I'm sorry...Crazy!!!! Me?! the so call photographer. I guess I was to busy putting events together I just didn't have time.

This evening, I found several College friends on Facebook...some whom I went to Academy with. Some I knew from church when I lived in Maryland. Some I just remember doing fun thngs at College. Isn't it nice to reconnect. I even ran into one gal I never met only knew by penpal but we both had a crush on the same guy. OMG! this is 30 years later and we reconnected...on Facebook.

Well...nothing new with Tim. He is hungry...so I'm going to order some Chineese food. Anyone want some?

Memories of November 5

2008-11-05T14:13:00.000-08:00

I can't beleive it already has been a year. The last year has gone by quickly-perhaps to quickly. A year ago today- was a very sad day. It had traumatized me-but problably not as much as it traumatized many others, including Ken.

I never met him before. But early Monday morning, we drove side by side on 34th street in Gainesville. He was on his way to work, and I was on my way to an english class that Tim was attending at UF. He was in the inner lane and I was in the middle lane of a six lane road. Both, heading the same direction-north. I was driving fast- I needed to get into the right lane to make a right turn that was soon coming up, but that car would not let me in.

Then suddenly.... out of the blue, there she was. I don't know where she came from. But she was jogging across the road, in the walkway, with her ipod on loudly. Somehow, and I still not sure how it happened, but my van stopped right in front of her. The light was still green, there was early morning traffic and I had suddenly stopped in the middle of the road. only inches from her. She looked at me and I was pointing at the light-she turned to look and then looked at me again and continued to jog...I had only moved inches when suddenly I heard a loud boom and saw her body fly into the air-like a rag doll, thrown 30-40 feet over Radio road and fallen right back into my lane.

I remember screaming, yelling, swearing. I had quickly stopped my van and jumped out and ran to her. Her limp body laid there, her lips blue, and slowly blood pouring out of her head. I had given my cell phone to another young lady who was talking to 911. The man who was behind me, was also on 911. The car that hit her was damaged badly and had stopped by had driven onto the southbound lane and stopped in the left turn lane. He came out and was shaking. He had not known what happened. I jumped up and ran to him to check to see if he was ok...and gave him a hug.

I was in pain from running back to my van for a sheet to help hold the blood in without moving her head. I kept talking to her, we all did. I could not believe what had happened. Somehow, I don't know why, we missed from hitting her but the car next to me was not so lucky. She ran right into him. He didn't see her. He didn't knwo why I had stopped at a green light.

I knew she was already gone by the way EMS picked her up and put her on the back board. Even the gal who was on 911 with my phone, a nursing student could tell something was terribly wrong. I learned later by the police that they knew from the beginning from when they arrived and saw her that she already gone. But she was an organ donor-so they had to keep her alive and try to save her. That they try to do.

I learned her name the next day, after she passed away. Her name was Catherine. I learned more about her by reading newspaper articles and coming in contact with friends...and later with family.

After her death, I had not been able to contact Ken. He had isolate himself, with guilt and grief. I understand that...but we learned later, it was NOT his fault. Investigations showed she ran into him, not him into her. He did not see her-how could he. He didn't even know why I had stopped. He couldn't see. But she saw where she was, and has her dad said, she could had walked back but she chose to move forward. I felt so bad for him. But for some reason, I still lived with guilt. How was it possible that at the last seconds, I was able to stop and not hit her? I had been in dismay about this. Had her guardian angel-or mine stopped by van?

Due to her death, many of her tissues and organs were donated to many, including a heart to a 13 year old boy.

I had written a poem- "I think I got it, God"....her uncle thought it was appropiate and very precise...but I think it helped explain that day for me.

I Think I Got it God
by Dee Bird

It was just an ordinary Monday, an early sunny morning
God had a special plan for a young lady and a middle age man
lives will be affected by the impact of one special soul
little did we know what God knew, broken hearts He will heal in time
lessons for others to learn from a sudden tragedy
Strangers, friends and family will learn together-and bring hope to a community
I think I got it, God you needed one soul to save another.
Why God did you put her in my life at that one moment - a stranger so dear
I didn't know her - only by her last look into my eyes
I m not sure why she stopped in front of my car - pretty lady
I dont understand why God stopped my car & not his to save her soul.
I just don't get that, God! Is it a lesson you speak for me, tof he middle age man too
Maybe the strangers in the community, maybe her family and friends too
Tell us o Mighty One, what do you speak of to teach us from this tragedy?
I think I got it God. you needed to bring her community together.
In his plan, God knew what this day will mean
Although we may not understand His plan,
do we dare ask Him why he chose her and not another
While her soul hung a little while longer, their sweet whispers she heard.
But when God took her to his heavenly home, she shared a gift to many.
While one family mourned the loss of their child, a miracle gave joy to another
Like her friends and family, although a stranger to me, we wept
Grieving for the stranger, I live with guilt -
Grieving for a family- only strangers, I mourned .
I think I got it God, you must sacrifice one soul to bring a miracle for another
A stranger I knew not, but a story of another, a newspaper, a website
Her friends, family, classmates and strangers shared how she gave them joy
The black ink helped me realize, she no longer was a stranger, but an angel
Her sweet friend, her pastor, their prayers gave more light
Her sudden death brought thousands together-only to discover
they are no longer strangers- but her family too.
Little does her family know, it took a tragedy to realize they had raised a hero.
I think I got it God...you needed a hero to guide another soul to You.

I'm sad today...because of a memory that still terrorizes me of that fateful day every day-the nightmares, the flashbacks...and what doesn't help is the investigators from insurance companies, etc.. keeps calling and asking questions. Its something I wanted to forget-and couldn't.

So today, I had found myself sleeping most of the day...& crying.

I want to forget, but they say, that won't ever happen.

The People has Spoken!

2008-11-04T20:20:00.000-08:00

I could not help but sit here and cry...tears full of joy. Salvation has fallen on our laps rather than damnatioin. History now stands before us, as we live in a diverse country, a new fresh man stands before us to make changes. Changes that I know we hate to do, but what we need so much in this country. Yes-we can...change!

Barack Obama has been elected as our President...as of this moment he has over 300 electrols- over the 270 to win as President. The Democrat senate has won over the majority with over 56 with only needing 51. This is has proven that God is watching over this country and will for sure bless it more so in the years to come.

Obama has won states, Florida, Pennsylvania, Ohio Virginia and New York . States that put their trust and faith in President-elect Obama instead of the Republicans. We have won!!! We have WON!! This has proven that our people have spoken-voiced that we do need a change. They are tired of what has happened the last eight (8) years. We are opening windows and doors- we are making the necessary change!

Please don't boo this blog...as this is a GREAT VICTORY. History stands in front of us- for now our country will go forward...& postitively! Whether you support Obama or not, know that you will see what God has given us-a gift...hope....faith. Whether we agree or not, know that no matter what, we stand UNITED under God!!!!

It is clear now this made him a winner! This made all of us winners! I'm so excited...I can't stop dancing on my chair...& table!

John McCain: His speech was very moving and I feel his sincerity. I hear there is a chance he may still work with President Elect Obama as well. President-elect Obama is a diverse man-including when it comes to politics.

We may not always agree on the same views- but I beleive that Obama is often misunderstood and more often rumours and gossip mislead alot of people.

President-Elect is a diversed man. We live in a diverse country. We ALL are immigrants from some country beyond. We all brought our faiths with us, whatever it may be. This country is still a Christian country-but we also have many who have faiths of all types. It does not make us less of a Christian country. So yes, our country does need prayers, and more then ever. Not because who is elected as President, but because we need healing, we need recovery, we need change, we need growth, we need God's blessing for each home, for each family including those who live in the White House.

This country and the world has spoken-they have voiced their opinons and feelings and in my own opinion, God has heard us. This is good. Something good and positive will happen.

As I said, we may not always agree on everything, your opinion and views are heard and respected. Your voice still counts!

I'm sorry that McCain did not win...but maybe because God knows something that we don't. So we just have to keep our trust and faith in God to lead this country in the right direction. If He thought McCain would be a good leader, I beleive McCain would had won. But the polls tells us, McCain was not the answer right now. Maybe someday later in the future, but right now, God is still in control.

I fall to my knees...thank you Lord!!!

Three Straws and a popcicle stick

2008-11-03T15:43:00.000-08:00

How about creating the 12 days of christmas on this topic. I'm sure as creative as we all are, we can come up with something very funny - about straws and a stick. LOL

I was brushing my hair this morning, getting ready to leave the house to go see CJ. I was anxious to hear about her cruis trip, when my feet felt somthing bumpy on the floor, under the carpet. I was curious to what it might be, but figured what it may be. I pulled the throw rug up and to my serprise there laid three straws and a popcicle stick. Now I know I did not do it, and for sure Tim did not do it, so the only guilty one would be Baby. Baby our cat.

Baby our cat has a thing with straws....& popcicle sticks. It seems she is not content with the toys we bought her. Of course not!!! She has to be adventous, mischief and curious about all sort of things she finds. For a while she has been playing under Tim's desk. For a while it looked like she was chewing on the caples. But then I discovered she found the box of straws that fell back there that I could not reach. Ah-Ha!!! Her favorites, the straws.

Now if you could see Baby play with the straws. It is so cute and so funny. She really puts her energy, time and excitement into those little suckers. And then to make sure they don't get thrown away- she hides them...under the carpet. Now how intelligent is that.

Now, you probably ask what does the popcicle sticks has anything to do with it, right? LOL, so am I. Its something new that she has added to her toy hide away.

While I was glad to see CJ back from her trip, when I saw her at her office, our conversations didn't go to the trip, but to some old memories that suddenly popping up...some mystery memories. We, of course, tried to discuss it.

Its only one more day and then all this campaign will be over. In 24 hours, we will know who will be our next president. It will either damnation or salvation.

Well...Tim has a paper due tommarrow and I need to write out some checks for those bills; and he has an exam too (yes, again!)

Tommarrow!!

Small Lessons of Life....

2008-11-02T07:18:00.000-08:00

I had "promised" that I would write about the tire that was locked to the bike rack that I found at UF Wiemar Journalism buiding. Unfortunatley, the picture from my cell phone wasn't save (part of my ignorance). It's ok...I'm sure everyone has a vivid imagination.

Close your eyes, do you see a long bike rack with lots of bikes locked to it. Now...suddenly do you see just a tire..laying on the ground but locked to the bike rack? A nice and looke new tire. Just laying there...bound to a rack like a prisoner. Are you wondering where the rest of the bike ran off to? I know I am. Was it stolen? Did the owner loose his key and took the bike but left the tire behind?

I just thought when I saw that tire there, just laying there by itself-locked up alone; something was just odd about it. Of course, Tim thought I was just being weird. He told me I always find the wierdest things to think of "lessons of life". Well, maybe I do. But you know what, in all that we do, or where we are at...you will find lessons in it. After all, life is full of daily school lessons. We never stop learning. Right?!

Often we are addicted to the things of life that often locks us up. We are afraid to let go of those things or memories. Parts of us may move on, leave and go to other places, while there are other parts of us that just hangs on. Protest. Lock ourselves up in things that may not get us anywhere. Our minds may spin, round and round...but it can also be stuck ..left behind...holding on. We often become "prisoners" to those things or to those memories.

Are you like this? I know I am. So....what are we going to do to find that key, so we can go on that merry way....find the bike it belongs to and move faster to better things...better memories? Are we willing to unlock the chain....or do we choose to stay locked up as prisoners to the past?

I think I can go to much more places and faster if I have two wheels on my bike, than one (1). Don't you think? What is your thought on this? Perhaps you have a lesson you found it it too...let us hear it.

This morning, an elderly couple that I met at the Fair yesterday delivered my Culligan water-the cooler, the 3 five gallons of water, a case of bottle water and a cute cloth case to cover the water. I had found a great deal to have some cold spring water constantly. The 3 five gallons were free, so was the case of bottle of water. The rental of the cooler is only $1/month. The five gallon of water will be monthly only for $5.00. So basically, I'll only be paying $6.50 a month . Its surely cheaper than the bottle waters I've been purchasing ($5.99/case) and that last less then a week and tasted horribly. The water flter ...well that didn't last long either.

Water was delivered to me....water. I knew something good had to come out of this. It meant more to me then just satisfying my thirst. I knew it had a much meaningful lesson. God often uses nature to teach us lessons of life. He has known that I have been thirsty for a better life- good health, good friends and family. And today, He delivered the message to me...reminding me that there is still hope, love and faith....but the greatest part of it, He wanted to remind me that He still loves me....unconditionally....despite who I am, or where I come from, or what I've become. And he reminded me...as long as I accept this, I shall thirst no more.

Water- the gift of life.

...and She sings...

2008-11-01T12:06:00.000-07:00

It really had been a real nice day. No rain, not to hot, not to cold. I decided I was going to go and just have fun. Tim was undecided, so he chose to sleep in. I left him the tv remotes, his cell phone and peace n' quiet. I packed up my cameras, some extra clothes and headed out to the Levy County Fair.

My dear friend, Karen whom I met at Gainesville Mom's.com is singing today at the fair. She is part of a singing contest. I've heard her sing before and knew she could sing well....well actually good or better than that...Awesome!!! So I wanted to go hear her sing some more and record it. She had just had a CD made, was about ready to start marketing and selling it. Mostly gospel music, but it didn't matter, her talent was beyond words.

I ran a little late because I had no cash on me. So I had to find a bank and get cash. Fortunately, when I arrived, they were just starting, even if I was 20 minutes late. Actually I was there on time, just to find a bank is what ate up my precious time. Karen was #3 to get up and sing. The ladies before her we doing good...and I knew this was going to be a tough competition. Her best friend and partner for their ministry was #20. I wanted to hear her sing too. Just as Karen was getting up to sing, my cell phone rang. I thought it would be Tim, but instead it was my sister, Jeanette. I told her I would call her back. As Karen sang, I video tapped it and took some shots. She was doing good. I kept whispering a prayer for her. But she did good! really good in my eyes.

Right before I had left to the county fair, I had checked my email. I had recieved an email from an old friend that I had not seen for over 25 years. He had sent me a track that he had recorded. He was pretty good and I loved the song he sang.

But now it was Karen's turn to sing...and when she finished, she deligently sat back down next to her family. I walked around a bit, got my hearing and vision checked. Tasted the BBQ hot dogs and sausage and went back to the tent. Her friend (sorry forgot name) still had not sang yet, they were only on #9 when Tim called. I was disappointed that I didn't get to hear her sing. I hope to one day, if not, at least the Cd.

Tommarrow, she sings at the fair again, but gospel music this time. I wish I can go back to hear her sing some more. But there is still much to do in helping Tim finish his class projects.

*** Karen won first place for the gospel songs on Sunday!!! Yeah!!!!! She did it! ***

Besides....CJ is suppose to be back from her Cruise...I want to hear all about it!

Strangest day at UF

2008-10-31T08:33:00.000-07:00

The day had been a cold one. It is fall here in Florida and we can feel it. Some Canadian brought it down with them. Even to cold for Tim. We manage to arrive at his Astromony class and stayed on to the Japaneese class. Both were quite interesting. I enjoy sitting there, listening to the instructors as they teach the facts of life in different topics.

After class was over, I took him over to have his hair cut done. He badly needed one. But for some reason, the Taco Bell fruity frozen drink really gave me a brain freeze. I could not drive his wheel chair into that barber shop. I was a wreck; and it didn't get any better once inside the barber shop. The drink was good...but it did get the best of me, like Vodka! LOL

I left Tim at Rietz Union so I can walk to the Stadium to get the van. It was a nice (but lonely walk). On our way to Rietz Union, we ran into a few funny obstacles. Someone had locked their bike tire to the bike rack. the Bike was gone, but the tire remained locked. I had to get a picture of it. I just thought it was interested that someone would lock their bike tire to the bike rack and the bike be gone. I knew there was some kind of lesson in this. I knew I would eventurally figured it out the lesson. I normally do.

While we continue to walk across to the Rietz union, we ran into some faithful and loyal Democrats...and a democrat robot ... and you can hear Obama speaking from it. It was so cute and yes, I did get pictures of it. Talk about unique, challenging and yet such gifted artistic talented students to put a gimic together. It just had me laughing. Not in a bad way-just in a fun way.

When I arrived at my van, the Gators were loading up their photography/camera equipment onto a truck. It was obvious a game is out of town. However, they left their equipment behind my van, so it made it difficult to back out. But I got out, of course. Once I got back to Rietz Union, I made a mad rush to the Smoothie outlet. the line was to long. So I ran back into Taco bell and ordered some food. The line at the Smoothie outlet was still to long, so Tim and I just left. Once we got home, I laid him down so I can unload the van. But when I got back in, Tim was of course sound asleep. I figured while he sleeps, I would run to the library, do what every citizen of this country should do-Vote.

Yes, I voted (yesterday). I made sure my voice was heard. And I voted for the candidate I knew would do the right thing for all of us.

When I was done voting,I went to the library to find some books for Tim for his Japaneese class project. Then ...instead of going for the milk and juices and water...I took a little drive. I don't know why, but I did. Once I got home, Tim was still asleep. I knew I had to get him up for his poetry class projects. Which he eventually did work on -though it did take him a while. His left arm is not getting any better - but at least he still typed.

Then it happened. While getting him ready for bed at 1-2am, I lost it all. Painfully I lost all that I ate during the day. It went on all night and till this morning. Its not the flue, that I know. I've been having problems with my stomach and esophegus and my airway when I eat. The doctors can't figure it out, but it really is getting annoying...and sickning. But it is part of my binge eating disorder as well.

So today, I got up to get Tim ready for his Poetry class, and I felt so faint. I lied down for a few more moments and was out and was awoken by some loud noise and there the clock read, 10:30am. NO!!!!! Tim's class started at 9:30am. I was angry at myself. He had done such a good job on the poem and we had all the pages printed out and ready to go and again, I screwed up. I'm thinking Tim may need to withdraw from this class. We have only attended the class once and have not been able to catch up. I feel bad because the class is such an interested class and, of course, the Instructor is so good looking.

Well...for now, that is it. Except for the locked up tire at Weimar Journalism building. I still need to write up on that. And let me see if I can upload the pictures.

Always

2008-10-29T20:56:00.000-07:00

"Always"- is a Japaneese movie that we had the chance to watch tonight. It is a delightful movie to watch. If you ever have the chance to watch it-please do. It has a wonderful message in it and it is funny ...& a tear jerker too.

It is with my understanding it is not in USA yet, but it is about 3 yrs old. Tim had to write a paper on it for his Japaneese class. I really wish we can get a copy of it. Not for the paper but because the movie is worth having to keep.

I took Tim to have his exam done yesterday and only to come to find out he had have it taken by 3pm. Well, we weren't told that at all. I feel there was a big misunderstanding and alot of miscommunications. It did pssss me off. But he was ready to take it. I don't understand how they expect him to take it by 3 pm when the Astrology teacher didn't call us till 1pm and Tim had to be in class by 2 and didn't get out till 4pm. I don't think his Professor understood that when I told him this. But I was angry...that we made the effort to show up to take the test and they wouldn't let him take it. And the fact no one took the time to either email or call him to tell him the time.

Tim was thristy for hot chocalate. So I went to Starbucks to get him the Signature Chocalate and it was delicious. But Tim found it to be bitter. Then I discovered that the cups had quotes on them. So I'm going to share it with you ...

" The Way I see it"

"The way we get to live forever is through memories stared in the hearts and souls of those whose lives we touch. That's our soul print. It's our comfort, our emotional nourishment at the end of the day and the end of a life. How wonderful that they are called up at will and savored randomly. It seems to me we should spend our lives in a conscious state of creating these meaningful moments that live on. Memories matters. " -Leeza Gibbons

So I slept most of the day today... and then the phone rang. It was Tim's doctor office. They were wondering why he didn't come today. Well...lol...because it was postpone to another time and they were suppose to cancel today's appointment. Second time they have done this.

I am hating myself more and more...simply because I can't get myself into this kitchen. Its like all those bad memories keep flowing in. I have to just suck it up and get in there and clean it. Just do it.

Well...I feel like I have other things to say, but seeing it's almost 1am and my 40ish brain has become a "zomby"...I'll wait till later. So have a good day!

Do we listen to our surroundings

2008-10-28T10:37:00.000-07:00

I had to delete the last post...only because I know the topic can be such disray-cause to much conflict. I know we all have our own views, our difference, our own beleifs. No matter what it is, it doesn't make any of us bad. No one is going to really be "right" or even "wrong"..simply because of our moral beliefs ...in polictic values. Whatever it maybe, whether we agree with it or not, we still need to respect each other. It does not make us less of a person because of a differences. It only makes us stronger.

I should be at UF right now with Tim. But he woke up ill earlier. His blood pressure had dropped, his face was pale, his heart rate was over 130 bpp. He was heaving-ready to vomit, I was not sure what was going on...or was he having an "anxiety" due to have a test he had today.
Forutnately, his Astromony instructor is still letting him take the exam today-just later. So Tim is resting right now. He should be at his Japaneese class. He needs to try to pick up the movie he has to write a reaction paper too.

The last few days- well I've been so tired. On Thursday evening, I attended the Mom's night out. We 8 moms met at a nice Mexican restaurant and had our Marquitas. On Sunday, CJ left with her DH to go on a cruise. I'm so jealous!!!! I would love to go on a cruise...again!!!

Yesterday, I slept most of the day. I don't know why I just don't have the energy to do anything. I needed to go mail some packeges and do my early voting...so it will have to wait till tommarrow after Tim's wheel chair clinic.

So today I read up on a few articles. One of the Orlando mom who now has murder charges on her-which she is claiming her daughter is still alive. If this is so true, please be honest and tell us where she is and stop hiding her. Otherwise, you and your family needs to admit what happened to that dear child. Know what I mean. I read another article on an 8 year old boy who accidentally shot himself with a weapon that is used in wars. He was at a gun show with his dad and brother and they were letting him try out the weapon. Excuse me?? He is 8 years old!!! Why is an eight (8) year trying out a war weapon? But the good news was that the High school that raised funds and collected cans of food for the food pantry...and how this one high school challenged another high school and Albertsons. That ...we call Angels of Mercy.

My dad's email to me from yesterday had me thinking. My father is a very stubborn man that is not only selective hearing but seems to forget all the facts. His accusations tells me that he does not have all the facts and most are twisted. It also tells me that if he cared enough, he would had known the truth about alot of things in my own life. One of them that he is the abuser and I was the victim. But no...he forgets that he is still the abuser ( mentally & emotionally). But for some reason, I didn't let his email get to me this time. Because I knew of his ignorance. The abusive side of him. So I stepped up and guarded my heart from him. I had to-to protect myself-to save my sanity.

God has ways to teach us about life...whatever it may be. He leads us to circumstances that we often don't always understand and often hard to accept. But in time, as we look back, we realize the lessons He has taught us. We just need to open our eyes, and learn to listen....to Him.

Well...I need to wake Tim and take him to UF and pray he will do well on this exam.

Friends on Facebook

2008-10-24T08:00:00.000-07:00

I did it again! I forgot to come in here to post a blog the last few days.

I come on line...been in Face book alot. I have found a lot of my High school and college friends, including one I wrote a book with. She actually remembers writing the book while we were in college and she remember the names of the characters. After twenty (20) some odd years, she remembered it. That is just to funny but awesome. It was just good see her her again even if it was online.

It's cool how in these days-that all this technology can reconnect friends and family via the computer-via a phone or cable line. Its amazing what you can do online.

I finally got the van fixed. Took Tim to his Thursday classes and came home. Last night, I went to the Mom's NIght Out with a bunch of moms' from the GAINESVILLEMOMS.COM site. We went to a nice Mexican restaurant. All eight of us. It was good! Even the Marquita's (sp?). I had mine and those who drank also had theirs. The food was good, the company was delightful and the conversations, well! LOL let's just say you knew each of the ladies is a mom or about ready to be a mom. Just a lot of mom conversations. Lots of laughters. Lots of preganancy talk and so on. But we forgot to get a picture of the whole group...but we got one of some of us...and one trying to run away! LOL

Today and this weekend, Tim is going to do a lot of catching up and plus study for a test. I still yet need to clean thise house...and Cj is about ready to leave for her cruise. I'm so jealous....of CJ of course. Not the studying and cleaning part.

Baby, my cat seems to have this thinking that she owns the sofa, like she thinks she owns my bed. Sounds familar? She reminds me to much of grandniece who just turned 4 yesterday.

Well I have scrapbooks I need to mail out, so I'll be back later ...hopefully.

A Bad Sensor

2008-10-21T20:18:00.000-07:00

OK....I've been a "bad" girl. I'm sorry I have not posted the last week. I actually thought i've posted one or two days after Wednesday but I can't find any proof of it. So I guess I didn't do it. I don't know if I can even remember what has happened the last five days. I do remember the halloween costume party by Gainesville Moms.com at the Corn maze...& the hay ride we had. And the food was so good. Otherwise, any other day is a pure daze to me.

I have been sleeping alot...slacking off. Lost of motivation, interest and desire for alot of things. Then yesterday...I went to Perkins to get Tim his french toast. I was standing there waiting for the order when my eyes fell upon this big delicious scrumnches big juicy plunk strawberry and cream cheese cake pie. OMG-to die for! Yes...I bought it...like an idiot!

On my way home, I noticed a light on my console of the van. My instance was that the transmission is bad. But I don't hear anything, and it is shifting ok. Why the transmission light hanging on like that. Its not blinking-just steadily on. I started to freak out. I can't afford this. We are probably out of a vehichile now. Of course my mind is going haywire and I'm just a worrier and my anxiety has just now hit the roof. Tim has classes tommarrow and I was not sure if this van can drive up that way. But I had to make an effort to get him to his classes.

I was awaken by CJ around 9am. She was calling to remind me of my appointment with her. She wanted to make sure I was coming, without thinking I said yes. Until I jumped in the van and suddenly there is that stupid light again. OHHHH Shit!! NO!!!! I suddenly found my self pleading with God to please PLEASE help us with this. I really can't afford to have a transmission fixed - so I begged that it be something under the warrenty. then I took the risk of going to see CJ. She knew something was wrong, I had not been myself lately. My depression was just ravling down to the grave.

I arrive at CJ's appointment and I pulled out the Caravan manual book. I had to know for sure why the transmission was going out on me. I found the symbol and realized it was NOT my transmission, but my engine. I nearly fell to my knees thanking God. IT is not as complicated as I was afraid it would be. So I called the Dodge dealership and talked to them and they were willing to take me in right away. It was time for an oil change anyhow.

I learned later that it was the engine- that a sensor for the exhaust system had gone bad and it was covered under the warrenty. Thank you God!!!! It had to be ordered, so I have to go in tommarrow to have it fix.

I arrived at home earlier enough to take him to his Evening class. Since it was still safe to drive the van per Leonard. We arrived a few minutes late, but we stayed for the whole 3 hours. Now what happened after that is a whole different story. IT just became my boiling point. I called CJ but she of course was in the middle of something, so I emailed her when I got home. Full of anger, I just had to walk it off ....somehow.

...to be continued...

The Book.

2008-10-15T12:01:00.000-07:00

Oh I'm so excited. Talk about pushing me off the soapbox about yesterday's contagious rail...but today is my day. It finally arrived!! I had been waiting for this for almost two weeks. And when I opened the boxes, I found my items to so much better than expected. I know for sure now I can print off more for gifts.

I recieved my scrapbooks that I had published from my online scrapblog. I had Julia's butterfly forest printed up as a soft cover. It just turned out beautiful. Now I wish it was a hard cover. I also had Angie's scrapbook/scrapblog also published but on a hard cover (which of course cost much more) but it was well worth it. Now I wish I had one done for me too. I was just amazed how well they turned out.

I'm now working on the scrapblog on my mom and grandparents. Some family members are interested of having one of their own. So maybe this weekend I 'll work on it, after the halloween/corn maze party. I'm hoping Julia can spend the weekend with me so she can go to the halloween party with me. I know she will have loads of fun with other children and doing something different. I'm waiting to hear for daddy's approval. She will have a blast! With lots of food and goodies, the hay ride, going through the corn maze.

Tim is still asleep and it is after 3pm. Yesterday was just to exhausting to him. But he has an exam tommarrow and I need to awake him before leaves us to his dream world. It must be good because he has not said a word in over 6 hours! I went in to check on him...he is still breathing...so it must be a good dream!

So I called my dad...something entered my mind the other day and I was just curious about something from the 60's. I'm a twin. The 2nd-born at 1am. Back in the 60's there was no technolog like today. And in these days, if you are have multiples, the technology tells you what is going on and when to expect the baby. Most are born early, right?! So I got thinking last week that we had to been born early-we are considered "multiples". So I called my dad and asked him when we were suppose to be born. He told me we were actually born on schedule and they did not know they were having twins until 2 weeks before we were born and they found this out because they did an Xray. (hmmmm....i thought xrays were bad for pregnant women).

So...I was wrong. We weren't born early...just on time. But then again, my dad is a male, and is his memory that good.

So I had to call my aunts in Miami and see what they remembered. but they are at church so I left a message. so we sort of have to wait and see what the female memories are like!lol

...and he is BACK!

2008-10-14T19:46:00.000-07:00

I really don't remember much of yesterday. I know it existed, I just don't remember what all I did. I do remember taking Tim for his Japanese exam-which we found out that he got a B- he ended up getting more right then what he thought. yeah!! He has one more exam to do this week.

I do remember going to the super Walmart to shop for food. I didn't get much since Tim was in pain. But I did get my popcicles. Yes-I had to get that! But no sushie for me. I'm right now tired of it. I couldn't find the rye bread. I had a craving for ham and cheese sandwich on rye bread. But anything else- I'm out! All I know once we arrived home, I hit the bed. My back was just killing me. So were my legs....& feet.

Today, I spent more time walking the hall of the Florida Gym building that is next to the Stadium. We didn't have a choice. For some reason the wheel chair elevator for the lectur hall-the door was locked. So we thought. I kept requesting for someone to come unlock it so Tim can go to his class. After 30 minutes, someone showed up. Come to find out the elevator was working just fine, it was the door that was broken. You would think they would put a "out of order" sign on it. Finally the maintance guy showed up....and Tim got to class 30 minutes late. So we sat there and learned about Pluto and Saturn and their colorful gas rings.

After his Astromony class, we went over to the Reitz Union to see if we can find a bean pillow for Tim's arm....and a watch. I again forgot my cell phone at home. Sometimes I don't know where my head is?! We could not find either one at the book store-so we got our Smoothie and headed back to Weimar Hall for his Japanese class. Only we still had another hour. We were heading back when a disguesting thing happened. Due to my back hurting, I was using the side railing to help pull me up the ramp...until my hand had something ucky all over it. It was someone's spit-the mucos slobbered all over the railing...and now on my hand. I was so angry. I ran to the bathroom and scrubbed my hand over and over. It was like this for the rest of the day.

How can anyone be so careless and so irreponsble. If you are going to spit make sure it is where no one can even touch it. For the rest of the day, I became so obcess of cleaning my hands with hot water and soap. Some idiot had spread germs and bacteria for anyone who will touch that rail. Didn't even bother to clean it. That is how irresponcible these people are on the campus. Now you see why I hate being on this campua!!!

So we had our smoothie and waited for class to start. Today was presentation day- several of the students presented something about the Japanese culture. It was pretty good.

Then he passed out the exams that were taken last week. I could not believe Tim's score. I tought for sure since he had not study much but he only got 14 wrong out of 50. He thought he got more then 25 wrong. He got a B!!!! I was for some reason expecting a D!! at least a C. He was shock himself.

After that class, we headed over to Turlington for his Psych class . It was a very interesting and participating class. Tim was really interacting- participating with his peers. It was good to hear him talk and laugh with them. I could tell Tim was really getting better-even if he is having problems with his left arm. He does have a Neurologist appointment next month.

So now we are home. I'm so exhausted. I thought he was too...but he is at his computer watching one of his many anime's. (LOL....only Tim)

A Weak Study Hall

2008-10-11T13:10:00.000-07:00

It's a fall day...and the birds are still chirping same as the early spring morning. However, the pouring down rain by mid-day on Thursday brought fear of another Hurricane. Not so. But it surely was pouring down cats and dogs. It kept interrupting my soaps. oh NO!!! "I don't how else to catchup on that...as tonight is all the best Thursday night shows" I thought to myself. I somehow to had to give and take on my Thursday night shows. I couldn't miss ER-but I didn't want to miss GH either. LOL!! "grow up girl!!!" I laughed at myself.

Tim missed his astromony class. Whose fault was that now?
<<<<<<----- raising hands "Oh! I know! I know! I know whose fault this is!!! It's me!!" Yep-it was me-the lazy bumb to tired to get up and was not feeling well either.

Tim attended his English workshop. His instructor seems to be thrilled to see him and is working with hm in catching up with his poetry and essays.

Wow!! Where have I been the last two days or so? I've been exhausted and felt sick Wednesday night -Thursday morning from the sushie. I don't know why, but sometimes it feels like food poisoning or maybe an allergy reaction to something....maybe I'm just over-eating it. Overdoing it.

Last night, however, we did have some chineese food. Today, I've been "munching" on chocalate pudding. I had a delicious Firehouse Sub yesterday. I love Firehouse subs. I just wish they weren't as expensive. I like Subway, but not like Firehouse.

Tim is still sleeping. He is so tired, but he has alot of studying to do. So I'm about ready to get him up and let him eat abit before we dive into his catch up work. He has two catch up exams for next week. So he is studying for this.

I don't think Tim's health will allow him to finish this semester or to go to next semester. I can see it in his eyes. His body, the pain in left arm, unable to eat and his motivation is just totally gone. Almost like he is giving up. I have done all I could to motivate, encourage him. I think physically, he just does not have it in him anymore. I sort of understand.

Well- I think I'm going to get Tim up, feed him and help with his studies. Sounds like he is to tired to get up. Boy this last illness really took alot out of him. I've never seen him this weak and tired. It just really concerns me that he is like this. I guess the MD is really taking alot out of him.

I'll try back later.

Addiction of a game

2008-10-08T14:49:00.000-07:00

I have become addicted to the McDononalds Monopoly game. I guess I feel so close to winning. Today- after my doctors appointment, I stopped by the one McDonald for a breakfast. Got a few more stickers. Then I took Tim to his doctor appointment. Tim got all thumbs up for his health and he has gained back nearly 10 lbs already. She was so thrilled. He can now go back to his classes. Although, I'm not sure if he will survive to the end of the semester but I'm asking him to try. I think next semester, we will skip out on going to UF and maybe try going to Santa Fe College and take the online classes.

Of course, on the way back, I stopped by the McDonalds on Archer Road. Because the drive thru line was so long, I ran in. Nearly NO one in there. So I ordered a meal. Well...before I knew it, I had people approaching me asking me if I was keeping my stickers for the game. I laughed.

"OH yeah!! you bet I am!"

It seem even the McDonald employees were playing by actually digging out of the trash looking for stickers. Something I honestly thought of doing myself. (talk about desperation). Everyone is playing the game so everyone is fighting for every sticker they can get.

I, at least, got five more stickers from lunch. I can't go back online until after midnight (the online limits to 10 per day). But I did get a few new stickers and one repeat. I have to keep the stickers due to the codes on them (proof) that I use for the online games.

Once we got home, Tim wanted to lay down...& honestly so did I. I even fell asleep while watching one of my soaps. And missed General Hospital since Tim's case manager stopped by to check his bi-pap machine. We learned a few more new things about his breathing issues talking with her.

Tim's computer is back, so we are trying to install the new printer onto it and the Microsoft Office 2007 as well. Its taken longer than expected. So we both are having a nice cold glass of chocalate milk. (Yes!!!!) its so good!!

I am looking at my coffee table. I laugh a bit. It is filled with Mcdonald's medium-large drink cups. As you can tell....I've been going after those stickers...again. I seem to be determined to win that Monopoly game.

Wonder if it will really happen?

A win to UF Classes

2008-10-07T19:49:00.000-07:00

I can't beleive I'm doing it. I'm actually feeling like a bubbalie teenager playing a "stupid" game...but this "stupid game" may help me win $1million dollars. I'm only 1 sticker from winning it. Yes...it's the McDonald's Mononply's game. 1 sticker!! Mind you, I'm playing a game- "gambling" with my health by buying their non-nutrious meal to play a game that I probably will not win on.

Mind you- OK...I still have not check to see if anyone played the 9/20/08 Lottery game. I know someone won-but who and where. I need to just pull my lottery ticket and check the numbers I played and see what happened. Did I win. Probably not...but you never know?! right?! what are the chances. God we need the money...however enough to get us out of one debt (the van) and to live in something more comfortable (for Tim & his power w/c) and then we will go ahead donate the other 80% to charity of our choices.

Well...Tim missed his Astromony class. But he did attend his Japaneese class and his psychology class. He had a hard time reading and have been in pain. We did get our smoothie and our sushie and his Microsoft Office 2007 porgram. Apparently he needs it to read his teachers notes online (sent by email but need the program to read the attachments).

Otherwise he is doing ok. I'm tired ...& in pain.

I think I'm taking a ride to McDonalds. LOL....will be back later!

Its only a sandwich!

2008-10-05T15:07:00.001-07:00

I gave in. I no longer could resist the temptation. It had been a craving for the last few days and I had to give in. I couldn't handle the craving any more. So I went to the grocery store, bought the ingredients plus some sushie and came home to make it. I had to have it...my grill cheese sandwich and tomato soup.

There is nothing like a nice hot grill cheese sandwich and a bowl of hot tomato soup. HmmmmmmMMMMMmmmm....so good...so relaxing....so scunchious...so irristable. It seem like one of those fall or winter day lunches or small dinner meals. Whatever, I had a craving for it and I was going to make it and eat it.

As I walked through the grocery store, I noticed how the holiday treats laid out. You can see the Halloween treats, the Thanksgiving treats and even the Christmas treats. Its decorations of all sorts, cards and streamers. Candy and all other sorts all laid out in different parts of the store. You knew that the end of the year was soon approaching us. 2009 will be upon us faster than we expected.

It had been a cloudy day. I was awaken by Tim around 9:30 am and our power was out. The whole block. I was feeling anxious. So I took a little walk and came back. It was getting hot and I wanted to shower. I couldnt take one since there is no hot water and our bathrooms had no windows for lighting. So I lied back down on the sofa and try to sleep it off...until the fan and AC powered on. I continued to sleep, as did Tim.

You can tell his body was so exhausting. It's like he still has no energy to get up. His body and mind struggling ... this week, he needs to go back to classes. But he has not yet catch up with any work. It worries me. He can't afford to miss any more classes or any assignments.

The day is slowly coming to an end...and Tim is now awakening up for the day...or night. I'm feeling hungry for my suschie....again!

...or maybe for some Yoohoo!

In Memory of... Scratchie

2008-10-04T14:00:00.000-07:00

It's Saturday. It's actually a real nice day. The Sky is blue. The sun is shinning. It is actually quiet outside, other than the laugh of children that run through the grass. It is a day to be greatful for. Look what God has given us. Another lovely day. A day full of clean air in our lungs to breathe on. A home to sleep in. Food to give us strength. What are we complaining about? We are blessed, probably more than we can see or hear.

Tim is actually feeling alot better today even if he is still having difficulty swallowing. He did eat half (1/2) bowl of tomatoe basil soup last night. Ohhhhh last night we ordered from Applebe's. I was quite disappointed that they no longer have this delicious turkey sandwich. Its like how can you take away something so good, right?! (LOL) so I ended up with a boubon steak and medly vegetables and what was suppose to be a baked potatoe (but it surely tasted more like a loaded mash potatoe). It was soooo good. I did order Tim his soup and mash potatoes. But it had skin on it and he can't eat it with that. Oh well! It was funny though, because it had the basil in it, and for some reason Tim can't swallow it, so he would spit it out. By the time he was done, it looked like he was in a spitting contest. All over his shorts and his wheel chair. And guess who has to clean that up! <<<<<--------- (the one and only...me!)

I got most of the house clean. Tim finally got his computer back and it is running. Now we are trying to figure out what is wrong with my desktop. Its like the power outlet is gone. Ryan thinks it maybe the motherboard. I hope not-suppose to be a "new " computer. So he will test it next week, hopefully.

Baby, my cat. Well....lol...she is cute and funny. And undecisive. She just loves finding the strangest place to take her kitty naps. She always comes up with new places. Now mind you, she does have her own little bed. Sitting right next to her water jug and food. But NOoooo! she has to sleep on the shelf above the washer, or on the washer, now the new place is on the dryer next to a small pillow, behind the fan. She loves sleeping on the sofa and on the sofa pillow by the window. She, of course, has to sleep right smack against me too. But I tell you what is so fun to watch...

Last year, we had a cat name Scratchie. He was a country outside cat till we moved here. Then he eventually got use to being a house cat and in fact suddenly would only eat cat food and stopped eating our left overs. He was so sweet. He had balls so big, he looked like he hemrroids. I would tease him about it. Well, of course when we lived in Sebring, he would hunt. At least we thought he did. (Someone left a headless rat on my front porch). Well, when we moved up to Gainesville he, of course, stayed in, often afraid to leave the house and when he did would be gone for days. But when he was "locked" in the house, he would watch for the lizards ( and often bring them in to play with-yuck!) but!!!!! when it came to squirrels. I never saw a cat run so fast....to hide!!!! LOL it would crack me up that Scratchie would be so afraid of the squirrels and run under the bed to hide. I wish I could had video tapped it.

Scatchie passed away a year ago this month from luekemia. I will never forget that loss. I knew he was sick so I took him into the vet, never realizing he would never come home...alive. I could remember sitting in there in the exam room with him...crying. He laid on my chest, afraid. he knew something was up. He was anxious and frightened. I was angry at myself for making a decision to allow him to die so early in the illness. I knew he was crying inside. I just tried to calm him down and I cried as I realized I made a decision to put him to sleep so he would not suffer any more. I wondered if I was really making the right decision.

I felt if I was not making the right decision for him, what would it be like for Tim when his time came. It angered me more and more so after Scratchie passed on. They allowed me to take his remains so I can have the proper burial for him. Which was a hard decision. Then we decided to creamate him. We held on to his remains for a few hours and we put notes, pictures, his coller and little things to remember him by. It will all be cremated with him. Five days later, we received his ashes in a small wooden urn. And it sits next to his large framed photo. Our baby.

We inherited Scratchie when he was 3 months old, as a mistaken identity of one of Oreo's kittens in the Spring of 2006. But we learned to love him anyway and he learned to love us as well.

Now back to Baby (whose legal name is Brosheta)- she is the oppisite of Scratchie and frankly even bigger than Scratchie. (now can imagine both in the house at the same time?) Well Baby not only lovess trying to chase lizards she also gets excited when she sees the Squirrels. Infact, she forgets there is a window and screen between her and her predators and tries to jump through the window to get to them. Now that is a video to watch. LOL!!! And she is definitely a house cat. I laugh every time she tries to climb the windows to catch the lizards and I laugh for every time she tries to break through the window to get ot he squirrels. Most of the time she pounces back and falls to the ground. But she gets right back up and keeps at it. Like a true hunter. Two cats from two worlds and has two reactions.

God makes each of us so different and so unique. It is His gift to us to be who we are and the fact that He loves and accepts us so unconditionally. Isn't it just great?!

Our Environment affrects our mood

2008-10-03T08:58:00.000-07:00

The October breeze flows through my body. I can hear the birds chirping loudly. My environment at the moment is not really pleasant. Let me tell you why.

Although nature around me is so inspiring, but where I live has not. When we first moved her in Spring of 2007, it had just turned over to new managment. They redid everything including landscaping. The property was kept clean, the buildings were taken care of. But then this last summer, they changed managers. (Big mistake!) and suddenly the property started to look terrible...and now another new manager and the place is still fallen apart. They don't even have a mainteance man yet. I have become so disappointed. There is trash all over the place...cig butts, broken glass. The trash bin- where a large wooden fence surrounded it is a disaster. What has happened? I even went in and talked to the new manager about it. But all I see is a disaster.

I like to be enjoy my environment- it's important how our surroundings affect us. It almost takes over our mood.

Tim is doing a little better -however somethings are little slow. I finally was able to contact his pulmonologist and still waiting for a call back. He is eating a little better and since Amy adjusted the bi-pap, he is sleeping better during the night with it. I'm still exhausted and out paying bills and doing some grocery shopping.

The weekend is now upon us. I know there is alot to do. I need to clean house and finish laundry and help Tim catch up with school work.

I made a great suggestion at GAINESVILLE MOM'S- a cook book . I was serprise of the positive response. So if we do it, we will begin the process after the holidays.

I'll be back later!

September fall

2008-09-30T17:40:00.001-07:00

It had been a clear day, the sun's was radiant. You can feel it scorching down on our over-heated body. Tim was not doing much at all, but he was sweating as I lifted him to carry him to the van. I was already feeling the thirst in my mouth. I needed some cold water to satisfy my weak and tired body.

I scooted his power wheel chair up into the back of the van. Locked the front door and jump into our van. We were out of gas, it would be our first errand. I had to take Tim back in to see his doctor. He was not doing well. He still had problems coughing and breathing and was still not eating solid foods. I was feeling exhausted but at the same time very worried about his condition.

CJ had called early in the morning to remind me of my appoitment with her. The day before had been just a quiet day. Tim was feeling weak, exhausted and breathless. I had made an appointment to see Dr. N again. Just to be on the safe side. I had gone to see my own doctor and asked again to for a sleep study. I finally got the referral.

I was awakened early this morning by Tim. I could hear him in the background asking me if I was ok, as it seems my breathing was not on track. I was having another one of my many horrid night terrors/nightmares. It was just to scary -and breathless.

After filling the van up with gas, we made it to his doctor appoinment. We waited nearly an hour before we saw the doctor. She was concern and thought he should go back into the hospital. She could still hear the crackling in his lungs. His O2 was like about 92-96 but not his normal 100%. She wanted him to see his pulmonologist right away and see if the bipap can be adjusted.

I had hoped that today he could go back to classes. He wanted to try at least one class. But I was afraid the way he was and if he needed the bipap it would not be there. So we figure we would wait till maybe Thursday and see how he does. The doctor figured it may take several weeks before he gets energy back. He can't wait that long to go back to classes. So hopefully tommarrow we can start some of the classwork.

I finally saw CJ today. I couldn't beleive that she dyed her hair autumn red. I was use to her being gray or blond. It gave her color to her skin since she has been so ill. I feel for her. A subject came up- my mother's death aniversary. It had been 37 years since my mother was murdered. It was a day I will never forget. My mother's death was the result of a domestic abuse. Her 34 years of life taken so short. Leaving behind 6 children. I still can't beleive or understand it all. For the last 37 years I have tried to find out the truth of that day. Only 3 people know what really happen that day, and only one of them is unable to voice it. My youngest brother witnessed it and although he may keep the deep secretes of that day, it has affected him tremondously as an adult now. Part of me lives with the guilt of knowing I had the chance to go into her room that morning to give her that last kiss. If I had known that she would not come home and that would be the last time I saw her, I would had done what I usually did every morning. But that day, I chose not to. I chose not to go into her room and not give her that (last) kiss. To me, it was the curse of the day. Perhaps...maybe it might had prevented her death.

Over the years, I 'v heard so many stories of what happened that day. It seem like every adult of that time told me something different to what happened. No one was on the same page. No one could tell us what happened. So one day, in the early 90's, I went to the court house and I pulled out the records and read the police reports, the Medical examiners report and the witnesses report. It was then, I knew a conspiracy was going on. For now I was reading the 5th version. My mother was brutely murdered and no one wanted to admit to what really happened. I suppose by lying, they thought they were protecting us.

My father didn't allow us to go to her funeral. His mistake. As no closure came to me even if it was a closed coffin. I needed that closure. As it made it so hard to accept or belive she had died.

When my maternal grandmother passed away in 1998, she was laid above my mother. I could remember my brother, Danny, like me, was struggling to see our mother's coffin. There was that need of connection. There was that need to at least try to accept that loss. There was that need to ...let go.

Every year, it has been the ups and downs of accepting my mother death. I deal with it differenly each year. Some years, its just another day, while other years its a day of grief and pain. Where is she? Why isn't she here? Why can't she be here to enjoy her life and her grandkids lives.

The sun has set now. The warm evening reminds us of the Florida fall. The trees have not yet changed colors, but its coming eventually. Its time to rest the mind, the thoughts, the feelings, the pain. It's time to ....move on.

Its another Sunday

2008-09-28T18:23:00.001-07:00

It's already Sunday night and I feel like I still have alot to accomplish. I' m just so exhausted. I know Tim is as well. He is just sleeping more n' more. He seems so physically and mentally exhausted. Its seems like that he has no energy to get up or do anything. The bi-pap is not really helping. He still can't eat (but the chicken noodle soup and cream of wheat is helping abit).

I decided tonight we are eating out. So I ordered him their chicken noodle soup and wonton soup from the chineese restaurant. Their soups are so good. And for some reason, my computer that he is using (since his still out in the shop)is no longer working. Its like the electrical part of it has died. So here is another expense.

nothing much more happened today...and since his puter is not working, I need to get off so he can try to get on.

I try again later. ..hopefully.

Just another Saturday

2008-09-27T20:48:00.000-07:00

Sometimes life takes us to places that we least expected. Often it also takes us to people that can be so inspiring as well.

Ok...I cried like a baby Thursday night after watching ER. I'm sorry. But after watching this show for nearly 14 years (or seasons) now, you sort of do get to know each character -their ups and downs, their flaws, their happiness, their sadness and then our own sadness when one of them (character) dies. Yeah, you can grieve for the character. I know they are not real people but the acting is so good and so real, you become part of them. Ok...call me crazy, but I can bet there are many many out there wo feeel the same thing as I do.

I have been looking forward to the Mom's Night out and the scrapbook day for a while, believing that this one event I will not miss. But my procrastination of doing laundry made it impossible. Plus Tim is having difficulting breathing, so I chose to stay home. Tim has been home since Tuesday and yet his breathing is not the best, even after being on the bipap, which I think at times is more trouble than good. The "farts" from the masks and the alarms that go off. I'm feeling the anxiety that he may be on the trach soon and on a ventilator and I'm not sure ready for this at all. I know its the one thing that will save his life. but its just scary of all that is involve.

Before leaving I decided to check the mail. Finally the PIN came in...for one of the debit cards I finally got. I got two. Not sure why. Then I discovered the bank failed to close of the accounts that I know I had closed. Why is it still open? Why is this pin for a debit card for an account that is suppose to be closed. What is this bank doing?! I knew I needed to make a call to see what is going on.

BTW...someone won the lottery from Wednesday. I have not checked to see if it is me or someone else. I should check it...but I'm afraid to. Afraid because I know I most likely lost....but afraid because of the chance of winning and not knowing what to do with myself if so. LOL....I know it sounds stupid and crazy, but someone has to know what I'm talking about.

Today I drove through the University to get to the Scrapbook event. There was a game going on at the stadium. There were so many people and cars parked every way. I had not been down that area when there is a game...thankfully the traffic was slower then the weekdays. I found the library and I found the room. There were already two mom's there. I was late by 30 minutes. I had plan to bring Tim with me but at the last minute he decided to stay home. It was nice to get to know a few more mom's and to share stories of our scrapbooks. We decided to pack up early so that we wouldn't miss the game traffic. Thankfully, there were none. I stopped by Wendy's to get Tim a frosty.

By the time I arrived home, I was so exhausted. I just wanted to nap. I really wanted to catch up on a show -it had a marathon today. But I was already to late and would had missed the first five episodes which I had already originally missed. So I napped. and I napped for a while.

welll....I would like some more hot chocalate. So I'll go for now.

A case of Blog Phobia...or anxiety.

2008-09-25T18:47:00.000-07:00

It had been a long few days for us. Tim's swallow test came back negative. It was just awesome to watch the swallow test. You can actually see him swallowing and it go down his throat. It was a rough day. The doctors were debating to let him go home since he was still having difficult swallowing and breathing. The last it seem that he would stay one more night. It was just debatable. I decided to go down for sushie. By the time I got down to Enstien to buy some sushie, they were closed. It was not 4pm yet and they were closed!!! Its bad enough they did not sell their frozen drinks/smoothies but to be closed by 4pm on a Tuesday?!!

By 5pm, we were packing our bags and loading the van - heading home. Which shocked me because I thought this was one more nighter to be on the safe side. Look like they thought it was safe for him to go home. By 6:30pm, we were home and with our smoothies and sushie. For some reason though, the one packege of sushie did me no good- I end up throwing it all up. I was shock. It was one I had not had before (California roll). I wasn't sure what cause me to throw it up, all the coughing or the sushie itself.

We were so tired, it didn't take us long to go to bed. We slept in most of the day on Wednesday and by mid-afternoon, I had gone to pick up photos for scrapbooks and went grocery shopping. and by the time I got home, and given Tim his g-tube feeding and chicken noodle soup, I was so tired I conked out on the sofa. My body was just exhausted. My mind was exhausted. I slept until noon today and realized Tim had his doctor appointment at 1:30. I quickly made myself a sandwich and got Tim up and changed into clean clothes and was out of the door by 1:15.

Dr. Novak was glad to see Tim in her office and not at the hospital. Come to find out she saw Tim at another time in ICU but she said we were both sleeping when she came in. I'm not serprise. She decided to up his gtube feeding to 14 hours and we adjusted the bipap to a different setting. We also learned that they were close to ventilating him. So he was lucky he was healing better than expected.

I realized tonight if Tim had to be ventilated for the rest of his life that we would have a major problem. Our van is not wheel chair accessible. It would be major difficult to transport him and his portable ventilating machines. As it is, I have to lift him out of his chair and put him in the front seat and then push his 200lb w/c into the back of the van. With a vent machine, that would be difficult. I know its going to happen eventually, but somehow we need to raise money for a wheel chair accessible van. I don't have the money or income to get one and I rather be prepare then to be sorry when the time comes. So now, I pray and put my trust and faith in God to help us with this project.

Tonight...out of the blue, I suddenly had a nose bleed. It took a good 20 minutes to stop it and not sure where it was coming from ...or even why.

Well ER is on...so is CSI. Thank god for tv remotes! Sorry I have not blog for a couple days, but tonight I suddenly felt blog phobia. I don't know why. I wasn't even sure if this was going up tonight. It may be my anxiety. I'll try again tommarrow.

Care for a Fig Newton?

2008-09-22T20:33:00.000-07:00

It has been another day here at the Shands ICU. It was a drizzy day and it was determined that Tim be evaluated for a swallow test. They came in and evaluated him, but it can't be done until tommarrow (Tuesday). He is still having some difficulty swallowing. I had him try some water and tea today and he is still choking on it. However, he sort of didn't when they came in to evaluate him. But she said it can be something they don't see -deep down. They seem to think he may be having anxiety and may be depress as well, hence the rapid heart beating. I don't know since these doctors seem to run around the bush with so many things. Its one thing, but no it may not be or it may be something else, or whatever. They do believe the pnuemonia is still there.

Tim slept most of the day. He seems to be extremely exhausted. His father called to check on him. I was able to go to my own appointment and went home to shower, spend some time with the kitty and learned that our apartment complex is under new management (again!). Nothing exciting in the mail, as I had hoped. Baby, our cat, seem to be excited to see me. We played a little and I gave her some of her kitty treats.

I did go down and got some sushi. I poured some cocktail sauce on it and enjoyed the appetizer for a moment. I was determined that today I would have my smoothie. There will be no "buts" about it. After resting at home, packing some of his books and his bipap I headed to the drugstore for some medication that I needed. I did grab a few bottles of yogurt smoothies but it was not the smoothie I wanted.

I needed to get in touch with CJ today, not only to check in with her but to see how her weekend was. I know she had been ill and I had hoped she survived the weekend. I missed her call. I did try to call back, but I've sort of become accustom to her routines that I chose not to keep calling her. I could tell by her voice mail she left on my cell phone that she was still feeling ill. I felt bad- I think I gave it to her when I was sick last week. She missed her weekend trip with her husband that they take every 8 hours. I sort felt guilty about it, but I hoped she rested. I think I was able to rest most of the weekend, as I am feeling a little better comparing to the last few weeks.

Now for Tim to get better so he can assume his classes. He really can't afford to miss any more classes.

Well...we were watching CSI-Miami and coming to the last 20 minutes of the show when two (2) nurses showed up and told us they were moving us to another room. Yes- we have moved to another room...again! And at 10:30 at night. This is our 3rd move. Still in ICU, but on the other side of the floor. Which means I will miss watching the helicopters hoover over us, miss the construction below us and we are in a smaller room. And I can't emphasize smaller. They can't fit all his medical equipment in here. Not even his wheelchair. We are now pratically tripping over things as well. I don't understand why the change of rooms. Why couldn't they put this kid coming in in this small room? It is hot in here. It is noisier (sp?)...(we are closer to the nurses station) and by being on this side, that weird nurse we had over the weekend is here! (ugh!!) but our favorite nurse (Renee) is here on this side.

I'm still in dismay to why we are moved here to this side. It seems there are more babies on ventilators here while the older kids are on the other side. Confusing. But sad. Very sad. I've never really seen a baby on a ventilator... so still...so quiet...so sad.

I tried some herbal tea today- Apple Cinammon. It is really good. However...lol...I still did not have my smoothie. It is driving me nuts but I know I will survive without it. Maybe tommarrow I'll take a walk to the Rietz Union and see if I can get my smoothies.

Anyhow... I think for now I'll lay back and rest some...or try to enjoy my fig newtons.

Give me heathcare or give me SMOOTHIES!

2008-09-21T16:35:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry...but as big as this hospital is, with all the little restaurants they have, why doesn't one of them sell smoothies. Let's see, they have Wendy's, Subway, Java, some other coffee place, starbucks, Einstien and Chic-a-flic and not one of them sells smoothies. How is this possible? What poor excuse do they have for not selling smoothies?!

It had been a strange night for Tim- or moreless the weird nurse. At 9pm last night she storms in here and switches on the light and decides she is going to give Tim a bath and change his bed. Now mind you, I 've been cleaning him up all day and keeping his bed fresh as well. I had just turned him onto his side and his bed was adjusted just right. He had just started to watch one of his Saturday night anime's. I was like, "hello" what is going on here? I told her I had already done this and I had just put him on his side. So she leaves...but later comes back and moves the chair to the middle of the room and rotates his bed and says he needs to be turned over to his right side. She puts the iv on him and the RRT comes in to put the bipap back on him. Which I didn't understand since they took it away and told ushe no longer needed to be back on.
Well...between Tim and I we tried to explain to him why he can't be on his right side. Well she left...and left the bed in the wrong place and the chair, that still sat in the middle of the room. So I got up, and readjusted his bed so he can see the tv. and put him back on his back.

Tim and I slept through the night...pretty much ok. But then this morning a RRT comes in and demands that he gets up and and if he is in bed to lay on his right side. I looked at her, as Tim did too and again explain to them why he can't. She wouldn't take our reply as an answer and demanded that several times of the day he lay on his right side and to get up and sit in a chair. I got thinking, "what? is this pms day?" Even the doctor had this early Sunday morning wunchie attitude.

Tim did get up and sit in his wheelchair for several hours. I did bath him (again) and I did put clean sheets on (again). He stil had problems sipping water and eating, so a swallowing test is order for tommarrow. Between both of us, we took a couple naps. I had a big bowl of fruit that I had purchased last night at Publix. I had run over to publix before coming home and got some sushie, watermelon and fruit and while I was at it, I purchased a lottery ticket. I have good intentions with the lottery if I ever win it. All I can say is that it would had been good contribution by the Florida community- to give back to the community.

I've been also enjoying watching the construction go on down below. They are putting in a tunnel from Shands to the new hospital. Its not summer time, so no shirtless guys :( . But there is some progress.

Well, its about 8pm and our "friendly nurse" is back on the scene. Tim wants to watch some of his anime on the computer so I need to get off and see what I can watch on tv. Emmy's is suppose to be on tonight. (boring!) but may watch it.

Tommarrow I have a doctor appointment, but I think while I'm out of the hospital I go and get some Smoothies! I still don't get how such a big hospital/college why there is NO smoothies at this place!!!

Until tommarrow...hopefully.

It's Saturday!!!!

2008-09-20T12:10:00.001-07:00

Well I don't know what happened to Thursday blog as the posted for Friday is somehow on Thursday instead of Friday. Not sure why that happened but it seems like a day is missing. I'm not going to look for it since I'm just to tired.

It is SATURDAY and it is drizzling outside. Construction workers are still tearing up the roads outside, the flight helicopters still hoover over us and Tim is still laying in ICU. His heart rate is still high even if his vitals are normal. He is still having problems swallowing liquids muchless food. The doctors are thinking of maybe doing a swallowing test, but right now they think (the thingy that hangs down back of your throat-what ya call it...u know what i mean?) is agitated.

He is waking up from a nap and is really feeling really tired and exhausted. I'm about ready to go home for a shower, some laundry and check on the cat. Received some calls from family and friends-thank you for your support.

I've been trying to get into the Gainesvillemoms.com site but it seems to having problems pulling up, so I'll try later. We have been watching the History channel all day and wow- some of the things they come up with...lol.

Later!

Home vs. Hospital stay

2008-09-18T19:00:00.002-07:00

Noon update:

It had not been a good night for Tim. Everything I told them would not work-didn't work. I slept most of the night, however in the background I can tell Tim was not doing well and the nurses and doctors were trying to figure what to do. He ended up sicker by sunrise and before they knew it, they had to order another stat x-ray, echo-gram and put him back onto the bipap (breathing machine). His heart rate will not go down at all...it just kept climbing higher and higher even after putting him on the bipap. The Cardiologist was called in. He 's been struggling to breathe most of the morning.

They wanted to send him home today and I said "no"- if it was yesterday when his stats were normal -maybe. But today his heart rate has not fallen below 130 and he has shortness of breath and he is complaining of chest pains. So they agreed, keep him here. (gish..wondering where they got they degrees from...its just common sense, right?!)

As you can tell, I'm exhausted and fustrated. I'm still demanding they do a cat scan of his left lung and heart. He has a history of an infection near his heart. Look deeper. Look deeper!

I'm suppose to have an appointment with a doctor today. I missed last months since I was sick and in PHP and could not make it. I'm debating if I should go now since Tim is in this respiritory and cardiac distress. Only I can't find their number!!!!

Anyhow, that is the latest update...please keep him in your prayers...as of right now, he needs it. I'll try to get back for another update this evening.

Evening Update:

I know the thought of it is a sin, but perhaps this is one sin God will forgive me. This child is killing me!!! His stats got better once they put him back on anitbotics and saline. It is still above 100. His O2 is much much much better. But his heart rate is a little high. He is having problems swallowing liquids and/or food products. Suddenly he is choking on it which is causing his heart rate to triple. He's been up watching tv most of the day.

Bryan, his health aid (a nurscing student at UF) from last year came in to see him today. The OT came in to see him and help him with the call nurse button. They still have not done the cat scan after telling them a dozen times.

Anyhow...I know there is something else to bring up but right now this "40ish" brain just can't remember what it is. Maybe it will come back to me later....maybe not. (hehehehe)

Cable vs.VHS movies bedrest

2008-09-18T19:00:00.001-07:00

Have you ever laid there in your bed, knowing you are asleep and yet you know in the background you hear something but you are not sure if you are really hearing it or if you just sort of dreaming of it? Only to come to find out-you find out later it was real. You just can't help but laugh about it.

Well...we slept until 10am. Hard to beleive. Was just so tired. Even Tim slept most of the night. Then (well what we just heard) about 4-5am, there was a crowd in the room. Now, I don't recall at all about the crowd. But apparently, something happened (but was not told until this evening) that radiology was here taking xrays of Tim. Why at that time of the morning, not sure. I just know that his stats went in the red again. Why I was not awaken or called upon, that I'm not sure but it had not to been that serious for them to let me lay there (probably snoring).

Tim's stats have been normal all day. Nice to see. They kept him on O2 though since the pnuemonia was still there but not much of it left. He is still having some difficulty coughing, which of course causes his heart rate jump from 89 to 163 quickly. They have been giving him respiritory therapy. He is eating better.

I had the chance to try out Meditterrian food for lunch -it was good. We had some ice-cream this evening. The Physical therapist came in and so did a social worker. So far, he is not going home tommarrow. Maybe Saturday. Maybe Sunday. We have heard from friends and some family and those who are in the area...thank you for your support.

Tim sat up today in his chair. He did pretty good. Ate his dinner from the chair instead of in bed. He is enjoying his hot chocalate.

The moon is glowing right outside our window. Tim noticed it. So you know he is alert. But I know I am ready for bed. Which our nurse, Renee got me a nice "new" sofa bed.

So that is the latest. Hopefully tommarrow he will be in the mood to study some. I know he enjoyed watching his anime today. OHHHHHH we had NO tv for most of the day ( we jokingly thought Shands forgot to pay the cable bill), so we watched movies most of the day and one of the movies we watched was TOOTSIE. Anyone remember that movie?

Well Tim wants to be turned over-so I'm going to go and help him and watch ER. Till tommarrow. Sweet dreams!

Update on the College kid!

2008-09-17T15:02:00.001-07:00

It was a long night and not much sleep for either one of us. His fever seems to be bouncing around like his blood pressure and now even his heart rate is boucing due to the fever. When we try to feed him today, he would choke on his food and of course his heart rate would jump up. So we are trying to give him his supplements from his g-tube and soft foods.

I went home earlier to get a shower, pack up a few things and took a nap. Not long enough to make a difference but enough for the cat to enjoy my company for a bit. When I got back, I was serprise to see the garage full...but when they finally let me in, I was serprise how many empty spots there was-so I got a nice parking spot right next to the elevator.

I have been missing my morning walks...but I'm just so tired and exhausted.

Anyhow- we are laying back just watching television. I"m going to try to nap a bit here. Will catch up later.

ICU vs. classes

2008-09-16T08:35:00.000-07:00

9/16-Evening

Well...Tim is being himself! Up and watching TV but having difficulty eating. Right now his vital stats are stable- but I won't say anymore to "ginx" anything. LOL He still has a slight fever, his heart rate is still above nomral, his b/p is bouncing around like a basketball. He has slept most of the day and the latest is that there is pnuemonia in his left lung but also there is talk that they belived his left lung has collapsed as well. As long as he is on oxygen, of course his O2 level is acting normal. But as soon as they take it off, he feels like he is suffocating. He is still complaining that his lungs hurt and he is still having difficulty coughing.

Oh...and "the food sucks!" At least there is subway and Wendy's downstairs.

For me, I'm just tired. I've been drinking lots of water and trying to get those little kitty naps here n' there. Fortunately, we can have teh lap top in here, so that too helps keeps us "busy".

His instuctors have been contacted and positively responsive.

The nurses have been great and (somewhat) helpful.

As you can tell, I'm to tired to say much more. So I'll go from here and update you later or tommarow if anything new comes up.

9/16-Noon

Just wanted to update everyone on Timothy.

When I got back to Shands last night, they moved him into his own room. He still had a fever but was doing a little better. He did well over night until six (6) o'clock this morning. He awoke me to be turned over to his side when he went into respiritory arrest. He was unable to breath and his heart rate jumped and his b/p dropped. I think there must had be 10 -15 people in his room, about 4 doctors, RRT's, nurses. They did a stat x-ray and tranferred him to ICU.

The xray came back saying the pnumomnia is behind his heart. Which is not good, as this can affect the heart and make things more complicated.

Since being in the ICU, his stats got better, however his b/p dropped again. They plan to keep him in ICU for at least one night and may transfer him back to the unit we were on before. He is sleeping well for now.

Its a little nerve wrecking. He is feeling hungry and I'm asking at least a smoothie! (Of course!)

I am exhausted as I don't know how much of this we will go through, but for now he is stable. They have talked about incubating him and putting him on a respirator, if he didn't improve. But the meds and the bipap is right now stablizing him. Which is good news...for now.

I do need to find a place to just cry and get some kind of break but it seems he needs me for almost everything (he relies to much on me).

Anyhow, this is the mid-day up-to-date. I'll try again later tonight.

Studies vs. Hospital addmittance

2008-09-15T18:57:00.000-07:00

It has been rough the last few days. What was suppose to be days of studies for Tim, he ended up sick. From a soar throat to a fever of 104 and admitted into the hospital. Yes, whatever it was I have, he now has it but only worse. His small fragile body lays on a hospital bed at Shands fighting this virus off.

He seem to feeling better yesterday, at least that is what he said. Than this morning, it hit him like a brick wall. He started the works of heaving and then his fever jumped from what appeared to be normal to 104. I took his vitals, they didn't look good. So I took him in to see the doctor. She was not please and told him that due to his condition, he needed to be back in the hospital. It took about 2 hours, but we got him in. When I left to come home for a shower, they were poking him and about ready to take his picture (of his lungs).

Tim has had a history that when it starts out as a sore throat, it will either just go away or turn into pnuemonia. Since living in Gainesville, he has not been sick at all. I was so afraid he would catch whatever it was that I have. Sure enough, it hit him. I, myself, still trying to recover from this virus and still fighting it. So having him in the hospital is probably better off since they can give him much better care since I"m still so sick.

Tim likes how I care for him. So he wants me back. So it still hard to fully recover. He hates the nurses over at Shands. The only thing I hate is those stupid little chairs that turns into a little "bed" (if that is what you want to call it) as it is more back breaking then a sleeping chair. If you know what I mean.

I'm just concern of him missing his classes. I know how important it is for him to attend those classes. He really enjoys all his classes. I even enjoy the classes myself. It just fasinates me about so many things that goes on in our lives, and its like.....ummm...its just awesome.

Anyhow...I promised Tim I would be back by a certain time, so I need to pack this up and head back. Please keep Tim in your prayers as he recovers and is able to return to his classes.

Water-down Coffee

2008-09-13T22:09:00.000-07:00

Ugh!!! It has been an awful few days with this virus. From my body feeling like it overheating to this terrible cough. Now Tim is not feeling well at all. I called his doctor right away to be on the safe side. But because I was not feeling well enough to drive, they wanted us to wait to see how he did over night and the next day. They were alittle concern that I hadn't taken my meds yet and my condition had worsened. I just didn't have the money to get it or the strength. I felt that I didn't have the strength to take him in to see the doctor, even if I know he needs to before getting worse.

So...I told Tim not to do any school work-just rest for now. A whole day with no studies I'm sure he was glad-but he has so much to do. We had some white rice and chili for our lunch/dinner; and then for some unknown reason, I had cravings for coffee.

Of all times to have cravings for coffee. I had some in the house, I could had made it. I wanted to make it. I didn't need it, just wanted it. But I put it off as long as I could and when I realized I had nothing to snack on at all, I gave in. Its been so long since I had real hot coffee. I usually enjoy the cold coffee by Starbucks.

So I made some, thinking I was measuring correctly, I realized by the second cup, I had not measured the water correctly. Ok...so I'm a dork. I'm not normally a coffee drinker. But the water-down cup of coffee was still good. It took that hunger away...for now. You can tell how sick I am-enjoying a water-down coffee. I know to pay more attention in the morning.

And!!!! I finally did it, against my own will. I know I need to make a payment on the van, but there just isn't enough in my account to do so. I needed my meds and Tim needed something for his throat. So I gave in and went to the Pharmacy-in the middle of the night. I'm alreaady feeling a little better. I put his g-tube on and gave him his meds through his ensure. Hopefully this will start to work on his virus-if this is what is starting. I want to be on the safe side. I know Tim..once he gets sick, starts with the throat...then the bronchotis...then the pneumonia. I have to find a way to stop it at the throat. I have been given him liquids most of the day, but he feels like he's absorbed the ocean already as much as he has released. (Yes, he said that!!)

I'm hoping he will feel well enough tommarrow to do work on his Japaneese studies and Astromony study.

Well...I had my water-down coffee and now I'm on my drugs, so maybe I can sleep for the next few hours before he awakes me... again.

Good night...for now! (or is it "good morning?")

Super Mighty Mom...syndrome

2008-09-12T10:51:00.000-07:00

Recently, I was called the "Super Mighty Mom"...I can't recall who said it or considered me that. I don't consider myself that at all. I just wish I can remember who said that to me...it might had been my therapist....or a friend....or someone I met at church....or that reporter who stopped by...or his social worker....or perhaps even my son's father who is finally admitting and giving me more credit for all the years sticking by Tim -while he runs off to his merily life. I guess it does not matter who said it, I just don't wholly agree with it.

What does it take to be a "super mighty mom?" What are the criterias or the "rules" to be that super mighty mom?

Ok, I have been there for him 24/7.
I do have to help him to and from his chair & toilent.
I do have to help him with his books and set him for his class work.
I do have to help him set up to eat.
I do have to transport him to and from his classes, and his doctor appointments.
I do have to transport him to and from his daily activities.
I do have to advocate on his behalf with his insurance, government agencies, child support issues, his education, disability rights and so on...& on.

...and yes, the many, many, many sacrifices I've had to make to be there for him 24/7. I had to give up my job, a nice car, a house, family, friends. Yes. Many parents will tell you the same thing of what is given up for that one child (ren) in order to provide that proper treatment & 24/7 care. People actually think because he is disable that he gets alot from the government. Nope!!! they are so wrong. Most of us end up loosing our homes, our jobs, our dignity and sometimes even our self-esteem. The government does very very little or nothing to help and in most cases, they rather you dead then to help out. I lie not!

Without me, he just can't get around. He can not live on his own and if was to, he would have to hire an 24/7 living aid. And guess who would have to pay for that? Yes him. Because we are dealing with a government who just rather you be dead and be buried in their cemetary then to pay out benefits for him. Yes!! truely. I've heard the government agency tell me that. Our very own government that we pay our taxes too...Our very own government that does DOES terroize their own tax payers!!!

I fight for my son and people like him because we who are on disability DOES HAVE RIGHTS despite our illnesses. Doesn't make us less of a person. Doesn't make us less humans. Doesn't make us crazy or bad people. Like everyone else out there who may be in low class middle class or high class ( who cares what the income is) we still have RIGHTS!!!

Ok...I do moderate a Yahoo group for Mom's whose children suffer from MD/NMD. I know what those mom's are going through. So guess what, they too are that "super Mighty Mom". Yes?! I also get involve in fundraisings. I get involve in other things too. I even want to start a KIDS SCRAPBOOK WORKSHOP after the holidays for the Gainesville Mom's kids. To some, I'm just perhaps doing to much and overwhelming myself.

However, If I don't do other things, and spend 200% of my time with just Tim, I probably would not exist. I too need a life. Even Tim knows that. But I do have to base my own life and activities around Tim & his needs.

I am tired alot. I have been sick alot. I am exhausted. I do get little or no help from friends and family...most of the time it seems I'm being criticize for the things I do or don't do. No matter what, I don't win.

I would like to date....again. I don't know if that will ever happen-again. I miss it. I miss going out and dancing. And although occassionally I do go out on the MOM'S NIGHTS OUT with the Gainesville Mom's....and I am starting to go back to church (something I vowed I would never do again)...but I am trying to make some positive changes in my life.

I'm sure I can say alot more, but I just won't bore you. I just can't see myself as that "Super Mighty Mom" or having that "syndrome"...lol. I'm a mom who does love my son with all my life and might. I am loyal to him and I ask God each day to give him health and strength...& each day I ask God to help me to be a better person.

Recently, while at a doctors office in Orlando, I saw a doctor. Here was a man who just met me, really didn't know me at all, and yet he told me right off the bat before leaving his office that one day, God will reward me greatly for all that I 've done for my son...to be there for him and not to give up on him...or God. To me, God has already rewarded me- He gave me Tim as a gift. Not only to have a human being to love and care for- but to teach me lessons about my own life.

I think it takes alot to be a special mom of a child with special needs. I think all those moms are SUPER MIGHTY MOM'S...because without them, our children wouldn't have someone special in their lives.

September heat...September chills

2008-09-11T14:45:00.000-07:00

Well! Well!! Well!!! I've been sick the last few days. I was feeling extremely hot yesterday, like burning a fever but when the doc took my temp, it was normal. I don't think so!!! He said it was a virus going around. He gave me a script for two anitbotics. Only to get to the pharmacy to fill it. I didn't have the energy. I just wanted to get to bed as quick as possible.

Tim missed classes today- not his choice. Being his only caregiver and aid, he has no choice if and when I get sick. So he spent the day studying while I try to recoop. I still feel miseble. More so since I'm running out of juice and food in the hoouse and we have absolutely no more money to go shopping and we still have another 2-3 weeks before the month is over. So i'm going to have find the energy to go the food banks...again.

Anyhow...I need to lie down. Until I have a cooled off brain and body, I'll blog later.

College Anxiety...or heat attacks

2008-09-09T19:03:00.000-07:00

I had woke up earlier enough to take my early morning walk...I just didn't have the motivation. I wanted to sleep more, but I knew my walk was far more important. I slept instead. Tim had another Tuesday of classes. I needed to shower, get him up and leave for his first class.

It seem the day was just hot...so hot I thought I would not survive the day. To enter a building that blew a bold breeze was my kind of thing. But then I was still feeling hot. I don't know if it had something to do with what I was wearing or maybe I was actually going through my "mid-life crises." I was extremely thirsty, constantly drinking. I contributed that to my diabetes...or dehydration. Tim's astromony class was really interesting. I really enjoyed it and I could tell Tim was getting alot out of it.

But then class was over and we had to go outside...again. I dreaded dealing with the September heat. I got Tim to his next building...and I ran over to Starbucks to get us something to drink and eat. As I was walking back with our smoothies, his banana-nut cake, and my salad; I noticed he was talking to a pretty young lady. At first I didn't recognize her...so I thought maybe Tim made a catch...so I walked slowly. As I approached them, I realized who it was. I didn't recognize her at first since she was dressed so casual. The last I saw her was at my place and she was dressed up (the reporter). We talked for a while. I saw her as a different person and casually friendlier.

After eating, I was feeling more and more anxious and more and more hot. Like my raditor was over boiling...about ready to burst of hot steam. We managed to get into his classroom an hour early. I had hoped being in the classroom would cool me off. Instead i was feeling worse. By the time class started, I thought I was going to pass out. I had to excuse myself from the class-quickly. I sat outside-where there was an actual cool breeze. I sat out there for a while and then I went back into Tim's class. I could tell no air was circulating and with over 40 students sitting in there, no cool breeze was not around. I found myself falling asleep-or passing out. I had to be aware I was sleeping or out of it to make sure I didn't "snore". Tim said I didn't-so I knew I was not sleeping. It took me a bit to wake up and then I had to leave again. Only moments later, he dismissed the class.

I was just to hot...my body was heating up to fast. It was like I could not get enough cold water in me fast enough. I had to take Tim to another building for the bathroom (one that is W/C accessible). We went back to the Hub for something to eat and then headed to his Pscyh class. Again, I felt my body heating up. Plus the slides/pictures she was showing was triggering me, so I just left the classroom and sat outside for a while.

I was not feeling good at all. My throat was hurting, I was hacking and I wanted to lie down to sleep more. I talked to my sister about the Power Point program, she actually thought I was crying. I had to explain I was not feeling to good. I found out that my maternal grandmother's sister and brother had died the last two weeks.

We are now home...thank God. I 'm catching up with my soaps. Tim is eating his spaghetti & meatballs and I'm laying back ...resting (or trying too). My body is slowly cooling off (thank God for AC's!!!!)...& thank God for a soft warm cozy bed! I figured I must had been overheating or going through more of my panic attacks. Whatever, I know I'm home -safe for now.

From the View down here....

2008-09-08T16:28:00.001-07:00

Ok...I give you permission to call me an "idiot" or to even slap me in the back of my head. Talk about Roads! I did something really stupid today-on a road.

I had just got out of the shower earlier today...I had alot of errands to run in a short time. I had to get Tim up so he can eat and start on his studies. He had a lot of reading to do and a project to start on. I had recieved a call from Cox that they were about ready to disconnect us if they did not recieve a payment. Yes, we are in a financial stress...but I assured her that as soon as I was dressed and put gas in the van, I'll be there to make the payment. She told me they will keep it on if paid before 6pm. So I dressed quickly, got Tim up and ran out the door. I quickly stopped by my bank to get some money out for Gas. I still had not recieved my debit card in the mail, and I normally don't ever carry cash.

I got to Cox by 11am...and was heading back to an appointment. I needed gas and yes, I needed to pee ...badly. So I decided to take Millhopper road to I75. Now, I've never taken Millhopper road to I75. I assumed that the road would take me to I75 and to a gas station. Little did I know, the road would take me over I75 but not to get on the Highway. I don't know where it was taken me,but it did not take me to what I needed to go to. So I had to make a U-turn. There were NO signs that didn't say "No U-turns". I turned into a driveway and made my u-turn and headed back to 43rd road.

I ended up on 39th Street-that I knew would take me to a gas station and I75. OHhhh never been so thankful to see a bathroom, a bottle of cold water and gas for the van. Talk about taking a deep breath and releasing it. Breathe!!!!

After my appointment, I met with the financial aid at UF to resolve whatever it was that was holding the remaining of Tim's scholarships and grants. Its funny how they say one thing but do something else. I think I got it resolved. I ended up at the food court to grab something to eat.

My back and hip was still bothering me big time. I could not reach my doctor. I needed something for this pain. It was like Aleve was not doing anything, nor was Tylonol. I skipped my walk this morning due to the pain. I figured maybe I was feeling the pain since I was finally doing some good to my body and my body just didn't like it.

After I arrived home and gave Tim his lunch, I lied down for a bit. I still needed to get in touch with library and a few places for the Scrapbook activities. I missed most of my soaps and I wanted to nap. I suddenly was feeling a little overwhelmed and decided to nap. Just nap it off.

Then I got some news from a phone call. I was thrilled and excited. I knew now that good was going to come out of my next project. I had hoped.

It's hot. I'm still tired. I'm growing weary. But I'm on my bed...for the moment. From the view down here, things were looking up...for now.

Cinnamon Rolls

2008-09-07T16:52:00.000-07:00

Tim had not woke up so early as we expected. He had alot of studies to do, including making up some work for his Poetry class. He had been reading up on the chapters, now to write about them and to share one poem he had written. Tim, beleive it or not is a wonderful romantic poet. Yes, he is! There are days I wish he was around when I was a teen. Although he denies being a good poet, even his english teachers in his High school days admits that no one cen write poems like Tim.

For breakfast, I offered him a tall glass of chocalate milk and a cinammon rolls. He normally loves those cinemmon rolls. Only the catch of this was that it did have raisens in it. Hey! its still really good. But Tim does not like raisens anymore (not sure why)...so it "ruined" the roll. But by the time I was ready to lay out his books ...I noticed that he had picked out the raisens. I could not help but laugh. As always I tell him he is pulling out the best part of the roll. Of course, he does not always see it that way.

Its funny how in our lives, our taste for things have changed. At one point in Tim's life, he loved raisens, and now he just hates it. The raisen has not change the flavor. It has not change its color or texture. Its still a raisen. However, as Tim grew older ...his taste for that raisen has changed. Its almost like how children at one point loved their vegies and suddenly just can't stand it. its like they outgrow what is really important to them. Anyone ese with children experienced this?

I had taken my walk this morning, but while on my walk I ran into back pain. Fortunately, the walking stick I had with me was my cane. So, for a bit I used it. By the time I got home, I was in an anormous amount of pain. I could not find anything to releive the pain. I lied down for a while-hoping it would bring some relief. I found myself lying down most of the day and helping Tim with any of his immediate needs. I did talk with my sister in Virginia and eventually talked to Tim's dad, Victor.

I didn't get the hosue clean like I had hoped...and does it need it! I'm hoping to accomplish this tommarrow before I run on my errands....if I have enough gas to complete my errands.

Well...Tim is hungry -again. So I'm going to fix him something to eat & drink. Although Flight 93 is on, I want to make sure I'm not missing anything else that may be on. this movie is a bit emotional for me. Its a good movie, but it still devastes me to what happend on September 11. Its like a memory that is still so fresh on my mind that emotionally drags me down.

Till tommarrow!

Rules of the Road

2008-09-06T15:06:00.000-07:00

There are just so many different rules, pratically for everything. (sigh) There are rules for our daily lives. There are rules for school (no matter what grade you are in). There are rules at the library. There are rules at the doctors office and hospitals. There are rules at the grocery stores. There are rules in church. There are even rules for the road.

As you remember in one of my previous blog postings, I did talk about the roads of choices we need to make. Remember the inspiring song by Enya, "Pilgrim" how she talks about the different types of roads we must choose...including the one road that leads back to us-our hearts. We must choose these different roads- to find our final distination. The chooses we make -the end result is what leads us to either success (eternal life) or to failure (well, we know from there). God gives us the choice of roads. Some may lead us to a road that may end with diamonds while there may be another road out there that may have gold at the end. But for most of us, we always find ourselves on the road that leads right back to us.

How about the NO U TURNS, or DO NOT BLOCK THE INTERSECTION signs along the roads. There are also the STOP and the YIELDS signs as well. These are some of the rules of the road. Rules of the road are to bring safety, prevent choas, right?

There are so many times I sit at a red light...usually means to STOP, as the Stop sign does; where there are often little signs next to the red lights. Sometimes there is a sign that clearly reads, "Do Not Block Intersection" Now when you read that sign, what goes through your head...assuming you do know how to read. At least we hope all who is driving knows how to read. Not meaning to be rude, disrespectful or insulting, but the general rule of the road is to READ THE SIGNS. The signs directs you -gives you direction-keeps you safe...right? so what do you do when you sit there at the light and a few cars pulls up and ignores that sign and continues to pull forward and blocks the intersection. Making it impossible for other vehicles to approach the intersection to cross. Who has now broken the rule? Do you feel that because they broke that one rule, they may be breaking other rules? Causing chaos. Causing problems. Causing danger.

I have seen so many times this sign be ignored and many autos continuing to cross the intersection and blocking intersections. Ignoring the rules of the road. They have NO respect for the road ...or other drivers. Most intentionally block the intersection hoping to get across with no problems...while others, it just happens. Still ignoring the sign...the rules of the road. Perhaps they are blocking something in their lives-along their own roads. Maybe they are use to blocking the rules of life...hoping to get ahead; not knowing that this road they are on is only going to lead back to them...not the road that has gold or diamonds.

There is another sign I normally see, when sitting at a red light. It usually sits right next to the left turn signal. It is read in black and red. It clearly reads, " NO U TURN". Funny how many times I've seen cars, trucks and even semi-trucks ignore that sign. They continue to ignore the rules of the road...not to prevent chaos, not to prevent danger.

In our daily lives, when we choose a road we don't like, we seem to think if we make the "U-turns" and head back to the beginning that maybe choosing another road will get us where or whatever it is that will give us happiness or success. I'm sure many of us make many "U-turns" especially after an experience knowing it will lead us to no where...but back to ourselves.

When we ignore the rules of the road ...or life, we do end up no where. Because we choose to ignore the important things of our lives...the people...the right job...spirituality...true happiness. When a auto chooses to ignore the sign and make the u-turn (even if the sign clearly says not to make that u-turn), we often cause accidents, chaos, we bring danger to ourselves and to others...& maybe even death. It makes me mad when people ignore the sign and make the u-turn-especially a semi-truck with a trailer. What an idiot. Yes, they are idiots-totally.

God gives us signs for a reason. God gives us rules for a reason; and when we choose to ignore the signs, we put ourselves in a place that we will have regrets, maybe remorse, pain, and alot of other garbage floats up and makes us miserable. Is this the road we really want to choose?

What road do you choose...and do you choose to read the signs of the road and obey it...or do you choose to make an illegal u-turn and let it lead back to you...the answer is within you. The rules of the road...are within YOU!

Slacking off

2008-09-06T05:14:00.000-07:00

Ok....it seems that I'm "slacking off" here. I was honestly ready to post last night but I was just to tired to think, muchless to write, Thursday too.

For the few that are interested in, Scrapbooking at GAINESVILLE MOM'S we are still looking for a reasonable place to have it. Seems no church or community center is willing to take us in. So we continue to search. But then.....

...I came up with a great idea. To have a KIDS SCRAPBOOK WORKSHOP. Three (3) of them infact-for the different ages. (3-5, 6-12, 13-17). Now to find a place who would be willing to let us have the workshop. Do you know how much fun that would be? I already have some mom's whose interested in it and volunteered to help with.

Tim's classes on Thursday was ok, but better on Friday. We finally made it to the Creative Writing- Poetry class. It was very interesting. There are a bunch of good writers in this class. I look forward to hearing more of their poetry...& of couse watching the instructor. (Yes, he is still fine!!!)

I missed my walk yesterday...but will make an effort today to get it done ...only because I am determine to loose this weight and to get in fit. I'm still looking for a walking partner. But I've been advised not to do the Boot camp. Since I have arthritis in my hips/pelvic, that may cause more damage then good.

Well...we had a nice surprise the other day. A Gainesville Sun Intern happen to fall upon some of my posts and my blog and decided to do a feature story on us. Yes. Shocking, ha? Thrilled. So we shall see if/when it is printed, how the story will turn out.

Wow...this year we are making up all those storms we've missed the last few years. Its like one storm after another is hitting us.

Well that is a quick update. I'll do better later on today. I still need to wake up. I need to get Tim up, give him breakfast and help him get started on classwork. I know I have something I want to write on.

Rules of the Road.

Sleep-talking

2008-09-03T14:07:00.000-07:00

I was awaken at 1am by my son, Tim, whom I knew wanted to be turned over. We both had actually gone to bed early and I felt finally I was getting a good night sleep. I, of course, went to his room to only hear him telling me that he needed to be "connected". here is how this conversation went...

"I need to be connected" he spoke in his sleep.

Why do u need to be connected?" I responded

"just connect me" he responded assertively.

"connect you to what? I laughed, knowing he was talking in his sleep.

" Just connect me to the internet" he pratically yelled at me.

" Tim, its the middle of the night, I'm not connecting you to the internet now" I laughed at him.

"you are so stupid, you don't get it" he responded.

"What? are you serious?!" I laughed at him "What am I suppose to get. I'm telling you I'm not connecting you to the internet at this time of night."

"NO dumbass, turn me over onto my back!" he yelled again. I laughed.

"Well then say that, don't tell me to get you connected to the internet." I laughed again with a response.

"You are stupid, I said that." He angrily reponded back.

" NO Tim, you told me to connect you to the internet, not to turn you over." I replied

"No, I didn't" He argued back.

I, of course, was not going to argue with a sleeping young man. He had not realized that he was sleep talking and of course was denying it.

I spent most of the morning at the PPMD website, realizing that they have done a marvelous job reconstructing their site. It was exactly what I needed on my Homecoming site. So I called (or tried to) my webmaster to ask him about it (see if it will cost more). I also talked to Ryan about having a seminar down here for physicians who were interested in PPMD research and teachings for DMD/BMD boys.

I had to go visit a good friend- and we talked for a hour. I felt it went by to fast before I had to leave. I ended up back at Chopstix to get food for our lunch. I love that place now. I spent at least 30 minutes at Reitz Union at the food court to get more food. You see, we are out of money...and until our disabiltiy checks are deposited, we have to eat somehow.

However, I caught several people "illegally" parking in the diable parking spaces who are NOT disable but takes advantage of the permit and leaves those of us who have valid disability with place to park and unload wheel chairs. So I did what the officer told me what to do last week. Report those vehichiles. And that I did! Yes I did. Hey, it is criminal to use a disable parking permit if you are NOT disable. Yes it is. So....maybe some folks need to learn a few lessons.

I was just fustrated last year as much as this year that there were NO parking for the valid disable folks cuz those are NOT disable are taking up valid spaces because they are to lazy to find a real parking space. I had a good discussion with a Parking enforcer last year and thank God I ran into one of the UFPD 's who advise me that she is enforcing this big time. God does send Angels.

Well...my hips, legs and feet hurt. So does my knees. I'm just getting to old! I'll use the excuse that its just a 40ish thing. I sure hate to see what it will be like when I turn 50. It's all downhill from here on.

College Burritos & Bagals

2008-09-02T18:56:00.001-07:00

I am so exhausted! My lower back, right hip and leg has been killing me. It has been another long day at UF. I was so tired last night, but felt I finally got some rest. We found a route that got us to UF in 8 minutes. Yes! considering where we live, it should had taken us at least 15-20 minutes.

Thank God for the many roads we can choose to travel on.

I again missed my morning walk. Tim tried to assure me as much walking we do on campus that should be it. I tried to explain to him that walking around on campus with a young man in a wheel chair and having to stop here and there was not the "consistency" of a walk. It needed to be steady. (He still didn't get it. )

We decided to try to tape record his classes. Now to sit and listen to them and hope they recorded...You know, to actually hear what they are saying? You know -how these recorders are not as always as they claim to be.

We had a nice brunch at the Einstien Bagals. Tim is strange. He has no problem sucking up the Wildberry frozen drink, but when it came to the wildberry coffee cake, it put the brakes on. I told him it actually is very good. It became so defiant on it. So I broke up the coffee cake so that he can eat it with out the berries. And although I tried to sneak it in a few times, he was just to smart to know the difference. I had one of their most tasteful turkey sandwiches and some blackberry lemonade, along with some fresh fruit. Now if you never had that, its times to give it a try.

We then spent some time wandering around and (like a little walk) then Tim wanted to study his Japaneese more. (such a good kid, ha?! )

I wanted to call Angie all day. She is one of my closes friends whose still in the hospital from the surgery she had two weeks ago. Today is Angie's birthday. I'm sort of was upset that I didn't bring her hospital phone number with me to call her during some Tim's class breaks, but I can assure you that as soon as I arrived home, I did call. No birthday cake today. But we do agree that the one cake we both enjoy eating is the lovely strawberry shortcake, with the whip cream iceing and large plunk strawberries and sliced almonds.

Sounds good, doesn't it?

We spent the last 3 hours in Psychology class. It was quite interesting-and funny. But I have to say the 150 students that sit through this class is blessed to have a good instructor. She really allows the class to particpate as much as possible.

I had to find a bathroom that would take his wheelchair. We have been lucky that only very few buildings has the standard Wheelchair accessible bathrooms. All the others are only handicapp accessible. Most of the campus is NOT (and I cannot emphasize that enough) ...is NOT wheelchair accessible. It may be handicapp accessible, but NOT wheel chair accessible. Most of the handicap doors that is suppose to be electical doesn't even work. And if you know me well enough, you know I will be assertive, maybe passive aggressive -but definitely advocate in regards to this issue with the ADA on campus. It is inexcusable.

It was dark when class finally was let out. We decided to go to Moe's or Chili's for dinner. It was so hot. Dripping hot. Its about 8pm and I'm still sweating from the humid heat. Where is the air conditioner? (ok...maybe it's the 40ish thing). We finally arrived home, to eat and relax in the presence of our cold AC.

I am tired...exhausted. I am tired. Its not easy being the caregiver-the mother of a disable son and the worse part is drag my old body around to help him. Until we can find help, an aide for him, I'm it. I hate being on that campus!

Well I do need to go for now. Another day has come...& gone. Sweet dreams.

The Long Weekend

2008-09-01T11:47:00.000-07:00

"Not my son!!" I remember this very thought over 10 years ago while Tim and I were at a resort and watching the MDA telethon. Like most parents, we just don't want anything horrible, whether it is a injury or a disease to affect our children.

But.... it does happen. Whether we like it or not, or accept it or not; it does happen. Timothy was diagnosed with Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy in early 1996. I did not think this would ever happen to my child. It already is emotionally overwhelming when you have to see other families go through it, but when it comes knocking on your door, you know you've been ginxed. And that we have.

Every year, whether I 'm involve with the MDA or not, it is emotional-overwhelmingly. You never want to see a child or even an adult experience this heart breaking disease. Whether it be MD, or MS, or Parkinsons, or diabetes, or cancer, etc..etc... its out there, we know. But when it affects someone you love-someone you know, it makes it all the more difficult.

I can remember soon after Tim's diagnosis when his father began to withdrawl. It was hard on Tim to deal with a disease ,but when a parent withdrawls and then abandons you, it does not make it any easier. Its now been over 10 years since Tim was diagnosed, and yet still thrives. He is now in his 2nd year in College and physically, healthwise-he is doing amazingly well.

The last two days has been different. For one thing, I have missed my walks for (3) three days now. Shame on me! Yesterday, I actually went to a church. I went to meet up with one of the Gainesvilles Mom's. She sings; and instead of arriving at 10 am for church, I did what was out of "habit" and went at the 11 o'clock. I had missed the service, but did not miss Karen singing. Talk about a powerful and spiritual experience. She could really sing! Despite missing church, I did stay for the potluck.

Well I did it!!! I finally did it! It took me over 9 months to get my act together, but I did it.

I spent the night scanning photos in for a friend and spent the rest of the night & today putting their online scrapblog together...it turned out really good...bettter than the others I have ever done. I did it in memory of their parents-whom I've known for years as well -both died 9 months apart from each other. I'm sure they would love the scrapblog if they were here right now.

Well, for now, I do need to nap. Its been a lonnnnnnng day. I'll be back!

College Sushi

2008-08-29T22:22:00.000-07:00

Sleep finally came knocking on my door. Enough to keep me from my daily morning walk. I dashed to get myself and Tim ready for his 9:30 Creative Writing class. We arrived on time and waiting for a late instructor to arrive, only advise him that Tim's power wheelchair could not roll into the classroom. There were to many obstacles.

That was not just main reason we were missing out on. He was just pure good looking and talking about being disappointed. He advise us of what they will be doing and what Tim needs to do and he would talk to his supervisor about a room change. I advised him that Tim did NOT want to drop the class, just need to accomodate him. He agreed. He was still very good looking. I did all I could from drooling.

We ended up going to his Financial Aid Adviser instead of sitting in the 3 hour class and then roamed around the nearby food elements. We won't discuss the financial aid situation-it just upsets me.

This became the fun part. Interesting and just pure enjoyable. We somehow ended up at the Reitz Union for a real meal to take home. That we did, after spending some time in the bookstore...again. That was somewhat ok. The interesting and pure enjoyable part was watching UFPD hand out tickets for cars that were trying to park someplace temporary while the UFPD police stood there. Talk about daring students. OHHHH that still not it. They were handling out tickets to autos that were parked in the handicap parking spots. She had the itch to press criminal charges for those who took advantage of it when really they were not handicapped.

She allowed us to park in the loading zone since the other five (5) handicapp spots were not available, but for only 15 minutes. She allowed me to unload Tim and then I ran into the bank quickly. By the time I came out, there was a spot ready. She actually helped me paralle park into it and gave me her number if I should ever find people who were NOT handicap parking there. I can name a few.

I thought it was about time they did this! Where were they last year? Last year I was going as far as taking pictures of kids parking in the handicap spots (using their tags for it) when in reality, they mobilized just fine.

We decided to do something a little more daring. Tim and I are willing to try out anything. But there are some things we just don't step over the line. So this time we were going to try it.

Sushi.

Before we loaded back into the van, we pulled out the little pack of Sushi and pulled one out. I just remember thinking, is this going to make me sick or will it make me a Sushi addict (like Schrimp did)?

<<<<<....drums rolling >>>>>>

Let's just say that when I went to Chop Stix with some of the ladies from GAINESVILLE MOM'S that I ordered it as an appetizer as well! It was marvelous! Excellent. Better with the sweet n' sour sauce than the soy sauce. Even Tim loved it. It has now became one of our favorite appetizers.

When we got home, we both passed out sleeping....for a few hours. We were just drained.

I still was drained, tired. I needed to still do my daily walk but could not get myself up to do it. I was already late getting out to get gas for the van and running over to Chopstix for the Mom's night out....and of course, Tim always needed to do "something" as I leave. But I finally arrived.

There not as many mom's there as expected. Of course it is the holiday weekend, but still...the five there was ok. We had a wonderful time talking. The ladies were just pure fun to be with and talk with. The food was excellent. I challenged one of the mom's to try out the Sushi. She, of couse, was hesitant as we were. But she did take a bite into it.

After a lovely evening with the ladies, I drove home to a relaxing sofa and took another nap, only to find myself dragging myself to my own bed to sleep more. I needed the sleep-badly.

So...the next few days I've encouraged Tim to lay out his classwork and to spend each day on a topic. Now...let's see what he will do.

I'm up, not sure if my brain really is, but I'm up. Not sure for how long, but I'm up.

Now, (LOL) I lay my head down to sleep (some more!!).

Bittersweet Smoothie

2008-08-28T18:49:00.000-07:00

"YAK!!!! oh how awful!" was Tim's response to the Starbuck Chocalate -banana Smoothie.
"It's leaving a terrible taste in my mouth." He continued. Then I told him what it was and he really freaked out...."You know I don't like banana's" he angrily reponded. I took the cup form him and gave him his brownie.

The day had been long...& hot. Tim and I had a bit late start to class but we did make it on time. During his astromony class the fire alarm went off and we had to leave the building. then we marched back into class. I was so thirsty since they had turned off the water throughout the whole building (yes, the bathrooms were disguesting!!). I quickly walked over to the Hub to see what was available other than water.

By the time I returned, class for the 2nd hour had ended. So Tim and I headed to his 2nd class (Japaneese Cultures) which fortuantly was the same building and same floor. So I fed him his cinimmon twist and chocalate milk. We quikly went online to check out his Gator Anime club time and location.

By the time class was over and we spoke with the instructor a little bit more, we headed towards his pulmonologist. His routine check up. He passed. She was quite impressed how well he had been doing physically at this age. She had worked with so many musuclar dystrophy boys, most who have become severely ill by this time and is on a trech. Tim has no signs of needing a treach.

We stopped by one of UF's finest buffet food court. Talk about good food. Good food!!! Especially the Reuben sandwich. Top notch. then we headed to his AA meeting.

No, its not the Alcohol Annoymous group...its his Anime Annoymous club! Those addicted to Anime has a club on the UF campus. Its a joke....between him and Dr. Novak. It was a "joke". Someone had failed to make sure the classroom was available. We ended up walking to another building/classroom and watched a very interested Anime movie.

Now we are home and I 'm so tired. So I will try to get a cat nap....for now.

Daily Lessons of Life

2008-08-28T03:33:00.000-07:00

I was awoken this morning by Tim who needed to be turned over. I had not much sleep but I was so tired and the little cat nap I did have seem to have helped, a little bit. Then I turned on my radio. Well by now you should know how much I like "lite" rock. Those classic soft rock songs and even some of the current stuff usually has me on my toes. So now who can sleep?

Strangley, they started to talk about the DC Public schools and how they are giving them incentives to stay in school. All I can remember is thinking, why not? What a good motivator to help these kids become successful adults one day. After all, we know that going to college is the beginning of your life career. So why not start in Middle school? Better early than wait for them to "fail" in High school. (ok I do hope that makes sense).

So I got up and opened up my laptop to research the article. I found it. Now...I found the article to be quite interesting. But then it asked, Is this sending the wrong messege? I sat back for a moment and wondered why would they ask such a stupid question. Why would it be sending them the wrong message???!! I see it sending them a positive message. I see it giving them inititive goals and I see it preparing them for their High School and college career as well their life career. If they cheat (as one reader commented) they won't be rewarded for this. Its like people already had negative feed back due to that many of these kids are African American kids. Hey!!! lay off! White kids cheat too. so does Asians, so does latin kids. Give them a chance. Let them learn. After all, school is not just about learning academically, so is life. We all had to learn our ups and downs, why not them?

Seems like an over reactive response doesnt it? Well I, of course, didn't respond to the readers on that article. I only said it in my head. However, I should had said it to them.

Now, I'm not African-American. I do have Latin blood in me, as well as the English blood. But that does NOT make me better than them nor does it make me perfect. Trust me, if this program was around when I was in elementary or Middle school, I think my grades, my attitude towards school, etc...would had definitly changed. Unfortunately, I grew up in an abusive -dysfunctional family where if things were not done according to their rules or right, you were severally punished for it. It was the brainwashing thinking. My parents didn't really know better. Their behaviors, their attitudes, their rules ended up hurting us for life.

So! My opinon, whether people likes or agree with it or not- well that is ok. I do respect that. But I do want to say- launch the program. Give it a try. Help make it work....for the kids sake. See how the kids respond and watch how they succeed....or fail. They can only succeed if they make the right choices-to want to succeed in school...& in life.

After all...we are in school every day of our lives- we will always be learning....about life.

Walks of life

2008-08-27T17:16:00.000-07:00

Its been a beautiful day here in Gainesville. Tim had no classes, so we sort of slept in, at least he did. I have been extremely tired and try to put in some cat naps myself, but the nightmares still keep me up most of the time.

I ended up taking Tim to his doctor to figure out what the lump was on his chest. Fortunately it was nothing to get extremely worried about. However, he does need to get in to see his Cardiologist for the irregular beats. Its one of syptoms of muscular dystrophy. We did grab something to eat at the UF food court and headed home.

We ate. We fought. We laughed. And finally, he is doing his class work...after an argument of what the instructors has said. Usually I win at the end when the professors reaffirm my thoughts- read before class!

Well...for some reason I forgot to take my morning walk or even to clean house. So tonight, I walked - alittle shorter distance, but I walked. I did run into one of my neighbors and she may do the walks with me, but in the evenings. Suddenly I was noticing something with my right leg. Like it had a heavy weight. It was dragging...& I was in pain. My left leg felt like a lizard crawled up it...lol. Really! but think it was just my nerves. I know I need to call my doctor and get in to see her. I have watched my health deteriorate due to the lack of help for Tim.

So now, the sun has set. It is quiet out there. I can't even hear the noise of I-75. The music that played in my ears still sings its 70ish tunes. My feet and ankles hurt, but what is new. I feel for a nice warm shower and lie down for a while. I need to rest. I need to ease my brain from it racing thoughts- I need to drown it with my classic rock- so I can start dancing...again.

Things have fairly been good-outwardly. I'm worried about my friend who had surgery last week. I need to call her...first, I need to sleep.

...sweet dreams!

Jay walkers

2008-08-27T05:29:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, while we were walking to Tim's next class, I picked up the Alligator newspaper and an article caught my eye. I nearly jumped with excitement. It had been something I had been whining and complaining about for the last year.

Jaywalkers.

The high risk of crossing a busy street and not in the cross walk way and taking the chance of not getting hit by the many cars, trucks and buses that speed by.

Starting next week, GPD will now issues fines to those who Jaywalk and/or cross streets when the crosswalk says NOT to. And cars who "provoke" some of the jaywalkers may also be fined. That I disagree on, not totally but to some aspect of it.

One of the reasons why I have so much anxiety at UF is due to the jaywalkers, even on campus. They ignor your large car and don't pay attention and its like we are invisible. Accidents happens on campus too. It seems they are to busy looking down or looking at their cell phones -just NOT paying attention.

After the incident of last November, my anxiety has increased. A young law student jogging in the crosswalk ignored the crosswalk sign and started jogging across 34th street at Radio road. To make a long story short, she died. She died because she was to distracted to know her environment and ignored the signs that could have saved her life if she had been paying attention as a pedestrain.

I have to agree with the articles that the Alligator and the Gainesville Sun put out. Its time to start saving lives. Fines will help bring prevention of unnecessary injuries and deaths.

So yes, I jumped with joy..."Alleluia!!!!" God's saving grace has stepped in.

Now if UPD can get after those on campus who ignore the crosswalks. It will be a step closer to bring reality to those kids who ignore the signs of life.

Longest day at UF

2008-08-26T18:34:00.000-07:00

So...we had another busy day at UF. We left home on a timely basis and found parking with no problem. The only issue we had was finding the Astromony class. Talk about being in "lala land"...more like a bear cave deep in the woods. We spent more time looking for the classroom then being at the class. I had to pull Tim out early to go an appointment. But because I was "late" (due to the circumstances with Tim in classes, etc..etc....) they refused to see me. After all that effort I was not only fringy, but angry at them. Fortunately, I ran into someone who helped and gave me some type of reality check.

I quickly drove back to Tim who was sitting at his second class...we had a quick lunch break and shared a yummy smothie and bagle-dog. The Japeneese class was great-the professor is just helarious. Now I just want to go visit Japan.

His last class lasted 3 hours. But it was great. It was his pyschology class. I learned something about my procrastinating...it was due to my trauma as a teen (long story). The professor there was awesome and she was very understanding with Tim's situation. I look forward to more of her class.

So now we are home, ready to eat Mac n' cheese. I want to take a nice hot shower to ease off the pain I'm experiencing. It comes along with the caregiving-mom of walking more than my body is use to. But hey, I'm actually loosing weight! Yeah!!!!

Tommarrow we can sleep in- maybe. I need to clean house and stop procrastinating (ha! ha! ha!).

For now I need to go, but I'll be back with more inspirational thoughts.

College classes & voting!

2008-08-26T05:07:00.000-07:00

So I had a bad night...those nightmares & night terrors kept me up alot. I spent some time trying to watch television or go online to read and posts at my various forums, including Gainesville Mom's.

I left the house a little after 7am to do my (new) daily walk -listening to my mp3 player (well cell phone player) with all the greatest hits from the 70's and 80's.

I ended up by the voting precint and voted for my democrates...hoping and praying that God will guide them to a new or refresh leadership. It was just to easy. They were sitting there looking so "excited". It was just to quiet and not busy at all. By the time I was done voting, I was set to continue my walk. I walked and walked ...well until my feet could not bear it anymore.

One project I hope to start for this area is to beg the county to please put in sidewalks. Buses- RTS and school buses come through this area and there are NO sidewalks to keep our kids and families safe. Is the county waiting for a tradegy to happen? Why not start with PREVENTION!

So I decided to name the project: PREVENTION-KEEPING OUR KIDS SAFE and I was talking to the Villa's manager about this- see if we can get a petition, not only from our own apartment complex but the other 5-6 on this road too.

Anyhow, now I need a shower. Eat. Get Tim up so he can start his first day of classes at UF. Although I looked forward to the classes, I don't look forward being back on that campus. It totally gives me anxiety. So we are thinking of hiring an aid (male) to be with him at his classes. So if you know of anyone needing a part time job and have some CNA/PCA experience, please let me know.

Maybe tonight (or tommarrow morning) I will have more news of the day. The College son is starting his 2nd year of classes....the college mom is putting her college career on hold for now (its call money).

Have a safe & Happy day!

Sometimes, Miracles comes Knocking

2008-08-25T16:35:00.000-07:00

Sometimes miracles just come knocking at your door. You just never know when it will happen.

Today was the first day of College classes-at least for Tim it was. We spent most of the day performing various errands on the campus.

We first got his haircut-one so needed...badly!

We actually remembered to pick up his letters to his professors due to his disability.

We, of course, had to eat lunch. he had Sweet Terikayi (sp?) noodles w/ Sierra Mist & I had turkey with Mash potatoes, steam green beans and of course my cranberry sauce. And oh!! Of course my apple cobbler.

Then we spent the next 3-4 hours in the book store. Was able to get rain pounchoes, a fabic glass umbrella big enough for him and his wheel chair, the last of his books (pyschology), school supplies, a new printer w/ toner and few other things. The lines were sooo sooo sooo long!! But by the time we got out it was almost 5pm and the other two errands that needed to be done (in the same building) were already closed.

We, of course, had to get our smoothies. Nothing like a real cold smoothie!! mmmmMMMmmm

But that was not our miracle for today. I'm sure your just curious due to the title, right? Well while we were gone, in our mail box sat a letter from GRU threatening to cut off our power and water due to a late payment. Our electric bill was 275 but we had paid what was in our budget-$150. I didn't know about the potential cut off until Saturday night. So!!! I spent most of today on the phone with GRU and begged with them to keep it on. We did some negotiation. I did what I had to do to prove my last 2-3 weeks in the hospital and why I didn't know about the letter.

Not only that, I recieved a letter from an organization that Tim and I was really involved with several ago. WE raised a lot of money for Tim's trust account. Well for some unknown reason I just forgot about it the last year or two. Not sure why. Until that letter fell onto our laps on Saturday night after getting home from Orlando (no it was NOT a vacation). It then reminded me of their goals and purposes. So today after talking with GRU, I decided to leave a message on their (Sparrow's) voice mail (they are 3 hours behind (Pacific time) us). I also emailed them and I faxed them a check request. Not knowing if they could do this- since Tim was past their age requirement now. Before I knew it, while standing in line at the UF book store I get a phone call from them and they would pay it for us and infact she said she would pay for next month's amount too.

Talk about the miracle of hope. Our power was still on when we got home.

All I can say is that our God above does NOT forget us during our greatest needs. He does take care of us daily needs even when we least expect it. He knew I needed that reminded that . It just takes a little faith, a little trust and alot of LOVE.

Thank you Jesus for taking care of us Today!!!

Life's Journey

2008-08-24T01:40:00.000-07:00

Life sucks? Does it really? Ok…It really does only when we allow it to be. All of us experience some kind of hardship, abuse, depression & even fear…but then there are many of us that experience life to it fullest. We experience joy, happiness, love, hope & forgiveness (Ahhhh!!!! There is that “f” word some of us are so afraid of). I wonder what kind of journey some of are on. Which road that we dare to chose to be on?

In our everyday life, we experienced the many roads of our journey that has not always lead us to the road we want to be on. Often it’s a road full of lessons that we need to learn but just deny it. Other times it’s a journey full of trials, tribulations, heartaches and pain. Its full of thorns, rocks, mud, wild creatures. it’s a road that I often think will lead me to gold. Maybe it will, If I only will open my heart…& ears to listen to what is told to me.

There is a song that ENYA sings in her album, “A Day without Rain.” (In fact there are many of her songs that she shares about a road); but the one that has me seriously thinking is call; “ PILGRIM” have you heard of it? If not, if you have the internet, look it up. There is one site you can hear the song and read the words. I suggest that you at least try to read and hear the song before reading on this journal. It talks about our journey-the roads we choose to come upon. It talks about our very own pilgrimage.

I’m a pilgrim. I’m trying to learn who I am. Where I come from. Oh…I’m sorry, did I use the word, “trying”. Let me replace this- I am learning who I am. Wow, what a difference of how that statement makes? Did you notice the difference to when we replace or rephrase our statements. When we replace the positive from the negatives in our lives, we make the choice of what road we want to place in our journey. The choices we make today does affect us tomorrow. We do choose to live (or what we like to say is “survive”) each day, and accept one day at a time. Why? Do we really know why? Why do we choose the different roads in our lives?

I choose the different roads because at times I just don’t know better, maybe I’m just ignorant; maybe I just don’t know better; maybe I just make bad choices or use poor judgment. But it does NOT make me stupid. Whatever the case is, no matter what I choose, it depends on ME of how that journey will end. I can choose to allow my journey be a bad one and allow my depression (ok, bad excuse) to control me and my choices or I can choose to allow my journey lead me to a road of gold and diamonds.

I choose today to allow my God journey with me to a road that will lead me to Hope.
I choose today to accept the road that will lead me to know me better, to love me, to accept me, to help me.

Only time will give us the grace and to empower our heart to grow and love. Only today will I choose to allow time heal my heart, my mind, my soul. Love lies within me, I just need to search within me. I must search, grasp and accept this as my healing and to move on to a better and brighter tomorrow. Who can say, the roads of our lives will meet…meet within our own heart. Love will grow and in time, we will find that road of the love & acceptance of ourselves.

Are we willing to do this? Am I willing to do this? Or do I still find myself stuck on the wrong road. I have to admit, I am stuck more often than I want to be. You too?!

So, through this journey that we traveling on, do you dare to share how to find the map to a better road that will lead us back to our selves? Not to ourselves in a negative way, the low self-esteem that so many of us are so unforgiving with; but to the ourselves that will lead us to a whole new life-a whole new journey.

So, did you find that song ? Have you read the words -listen to the song….yet? If so, tell us how your journey has been. How has your choices of roads lead back to you in this new journey today? My heart is a pilgrim….I am a pilgrim, choosing a journey-on a road that I choose to lead me to diamonds and to gold. In my heart, I do wonder of what I learn is true, I know a road that leads to nowhere, but I do know a road that does lead to me. I have found the answer- & it is within me.

May the road you choose be a happy and loving journey for you; and if it does lead to gold or diamonds -may it be road to riches that we so deserve-YOU! Me!!!

Thank you Enya for being such an inspirational writer!!!

Life of a College Mom

2008-08-24T00:34:00.000-07:00

In a few days, my son, Tim will start his second year at the University of Florida. Due to his Muscular dystrophy, I will attend classes with him. This year, we picked classes that will be a bit more interesting than English and the typical math. Creative writing-Poetry writing is one of the classes. Looks interesting, ha? How about the Astromney-study of the Universe. Now, you know that will be awesome to sit in on, right? Have you thought about studying another culture, like Japeneese and on top of that be part of a Pyschology guinea pig?

Attending UF is challenging enough, but when you as the mom of a college son, then I too decided to go back to college myself...but its not at UF. I want to study into Business Marketing (public relations), along learning more about non-for-profit organizations and grant writing. My only hurdle is (trying) to pass the college math. Ouch!!! How many of you also had to go through that nitemare? Gish...I hate math with purple passion and know that the Algebra will NOT help me in any life career. But it's required.

We moved into Gainesville in 2007 because Tim chose UF over UCF (Orlando)-simply because of his original major (Vet-microbology). Since than, he has gone from History to just not sure. However, I have told my 19 year old son that he is a student of UF- don't blow it! Know what I mean?!

Most likely, I will share a few of other things as well that will help us on our journey-choosing a road to success.

So Monday-we are running around to get things in place. Tuesday is his biggest class day. We have a few days off and another day or two with a few more classes. We hope through out this journey, you will learn along with us about....College life!