College Mom's Blog

End of one Journey

deebird611@cox.net (Dee) — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 03:33:00 +0000

So...it is now less than 90 minutes before it is officially 2009.

I quickly went up to Gainesville today to check on the cat and to make sure the rent was paid. She seem to be happy I was there. I played with her for a bit. She serprised me when I found her actually sleeping in HER basket/bed. Yes!! like it is about time girl! I just hope she remembers that it is HER bed and not her litter box! (LOL) Yes, I have caught her using it as her litter box. She can be smart but at other times, I wonder about her.

My sister tried to fix a daqauri today but, trust me it was disguesting. Number 1-she didn't mix it correctly; #2 -she failed to use crush ice; #3 it had NO rum or vodka in it. and #4 she mixed a mojita with a daqauri. <<<>>> thank God for Samuel Adams! Although my nephew wants me to try a new beer call "Blue Moon." never heard of it but he say's it really good with some fresh orange in it.

Speaking of oranges...while I was heading back to Gainesville for the 1 hour (4 hours round trip)...I stopped off at the rest area on the turnpike. Strawberries. Big plunk juicy strawberries. Not this little punnie green stuff. Huge delicious strawberries. I bought a whole flat ($18). When I got back into Orlando, I washed, cut and sweetened them. At least whatever is left of it. OMG!!! It was soooooooooo good!!! Where is my whip cream when I need it?! Or vanilla ice cream. I also picked up a bag of oranges and grapefruits.

So, this is the final chapter of this book- college mom's cafe/blog. It's a new year, a new book, a new chapter...a new journey. A new Mom's journey. Tim's life at college has ended...I'm no longer that "college mom." Maybe new life experiences will teach me (as I share them) some valuable lessons. Maybe my new year's resolution should be about the goals in changes and as I suceed in those changes...accomplishments- I can gladly share them.

So tonight, as we come to the end of the day. Sun has set, stars are shining....the moon is glowing and this chapter has ended, the book is closing, one journey has ended and another new journey has begun.

Happy New Year!!!

The End!

Last Minute catch up....

deebird611@cox.net (Dee) — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 13:07:00 +0000

We are quickly approaching 2009. It doesn't seem like we are now (9) nine years into the new millinum. Where has the last nine (9) years gone. Time just flies by to fast. Makes me a year older...when I rather be a year younger, know what I mean?

I know it has been a while (ok about a week) since I've been on. Last week I was in so much pain with my right hand, I couldn't even hold anything, or make a fist much less try to type with it. It was hurting yesterday,but today it feels "normal" (ok...whatever that is!). So before this year ends, I wanted to make sure I put in my "last words" for this blog.

I am in the Orlando area for six (6) weeks for something I really needed to do for myself. I am also going to help my sister. It is now tax season and her business is growing rapidly, so I'll be helping her for a bit.

Christmas...well. It didn't turn out the way i wanted it to be. I was in a lot of pain. I couldn't cook and it got so bad that I ended up in the ER. Because I was feeling sick as it is and then for my right hand to become so painful, we didn't even put up a tree. And for Christmas dinner, KFC. Yes, you heard right. KFC-Kentucky Fried Chicken with some cole slaw and bisquits. Fancy dinner...it was good even if it was not what I had planned I wanted ham, stew cabbage and some good ole fashion vegetables with black eye peas. Yeah I heard that is a New Year 's ever tradition, but I was to hungry for it now then later.

Well...last week, curious about "Sweetie" the kitten I took to the shelter to hopefully find its rightful owner, and if not, to be adopted out...died. She had the feline luekemia. Now it really worries me that my cat, Baby might have it since I heard it can be transferrable. I should take her in to be tested, but the last time (2) I took a cat in, guess what? They had it and was put down to sleep. I can't bare for that to happen again. So I've been watching her, see how she is doing and what is she doing. Right now, she is acting like sweet spoil self! (LOL). I'm praying that God will protect her from this disease. She is such a good sweet cat...my baby.

Tim is doing good...so far. Glad the semester is over....me too! It really exhausted us. I'm proud of his final grades! He passed! Yes!! Finished with a GPA of 3.11....and what seem to be not over exerting himself. (LOL) He proved me wrong. He really was pulling my leg (even if he says he was not).

Well I need to get going. My white chariot will arrive soon. I will be back before midnight strikes in the new year tommarrow. I know I had something in mind to share, but right now my brain is clouded with weariness. I guess it is the 40ish thing. It's hard to beleive in 2 weeks I'll be this "miseble old maid" (LOL) hitting 48 and coming to the end of a stretch of my 40's and perhaps fastly approaching my 50's. YUCK!! (I was going to say, there goes my love life!).

Adios...for now.

End of College days

deebird611@cox.net (Dee) — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 02:52:00 +0000

Have you been anxious to get your hands on something and no matter how patient you tried to be, you still feel the sweat in your hands, you pace the floors, you try to sit down but can't for long. You know that feeling right?

Well....for the last several days I have been waiting for Tim's UF grades to show up. It's like, "come on!!" It's the 23rd now...and it does say "late" but how late are they talking about. It's now about 10pm and still there is nothing! So do I have to wait till 1 am? Hell No!!! I might as well wait till sunrise than, you know?!

It seems hard to beleive that his college days are over for now. I am hoping to encourage him to go back at least to the community college or the online classes, if all possible. But he seems to given up.

It's less than two days before Christmas. I did some food shopping but we didn't have enough to do some really xmas shopping. I would like to get him something for Christmas since he is unable to eat real food. It's confusing, ya know? Maybe I'll get him a gift card so he can go get what he wants. He is still waiting for his christmas gift from his dad...and a DVD from Netflix.

The last few days I've been suffering what seems to be a cold...or allergies. Miseble. Then I got a call from CJ. She too has been sick with this. I had to laugh since this is not the first time this has happened. Then today she called me to come in to see her at her office. I needed to go over anyhow to take care another issue. I brought her christmas gift...a little Tiki water hometherapy.

Today, I've been suffering from arthristis in my right hand. No matter what I have tried to do, I can't ease the pain. It's painful to make a fist.

Tommarrow, I'm taking Tim to withdraw from the college. Then perhaps take him to Walmart to see if he wants anything for Christmas. Then I need to go home and clean house. Thursday, I wan to cook some ham, cabbage, black eye peas with vegetables. Maybe whiz some of it up and give it to Tim for his g-tube. That is the plan..for now.

Hopefully by tommarrow, we may also have a serprise for you. God willing!

Hope everyone has a safe & Happy Holidays!

A Celebration

deebird611@cox.net (Dee) — Sun, 21 Dec 2008 00:06:00 +0000

It's the Saturday before Christmas. Only five (5) more days until Christmas is here. Many families will be gathered and celebrating the holiday together. There will be gift exhanges, eggnog served along with all the dinner fixings of turkey, or ham with stuffing and the delicious side dishes. We, of course, can't forget the delicious desserts that most serve, either the apple or pumpkin, maybe the pecan pie. Of course I'm sure there will be brownies, cookies and little candy canes.

It is also where many families who are struggling financially will either be in a shelter or just spending the day together perhaps with no Christmas dinner and gifts. Some to no choice, while others due to the financial crises our country is dealing with, stock loss or other means, including loosing their jobs.

While Christmas is a day we celebrate the birth of Jesus, it should be a day also to be thankful for each other and the moment of graciously reuniting. Many families won't have that opportunity to reunite with loveones. Some will be mourning the loss of a love one, young and old. There are many who don't beleive in Jesus, while there are many who don't believe in the holiday itself.

When I listen to the Christmas music, it reminds me of my younger days. Times often with family on this holiday and the many times spent alone. There is something about the songs we listened to...it does put you into the Christmas spirit. It gives you a sense of joy, hope and even praise. It also gives you a time to sit back and relax with a hot cup of cocoa...or tea. It gives you a sense of thankfulness, appreciation, acceptance and excitement. It also gives you a sense of respectfulness for "holiness," reverence, a sanctuary.

This year I had hope to have my family gathered together for this holiday...and when it was suggested last year, none of my siblings responded. It was like no one wanted to spend time together...at a time when we needed to be together. I have yet to meet my new sister-in -law and her son. But seeing that my siblings and I are guilty of "hating" our father (well hate is a strong word) -can't stand being with him, I think that even the idea being with him made us all sick. Don't get me wrong...its just my dad can be very argumentive, insulting and still emotionally abusive. I don't think anyone is up to that for the holidays. Of course at the time of suggestion for the gathering, gas prices were outragious too.

In the past, I had put together alot of reunions, including my family; but for some reason I can't put together my immediate family. It not only scares me that they don't want to spend time together while we all are still alive, but the fear that they will have the same attitude when we die. So its like there are no "hello's" much less any "good-byes"...ya know? (LOL) Its pathetic!

This year, Tim and I will again spend Christmas alone. I will put up our little tree and deocrate it even if he does not care for it. I just don't know if this is his last Christmas or not. But I will do my best to make sure he enjoys something of it. Because it needs to be a memory for both of us, if there are no money for the Christmas dinner or gifts. It will be a happy and celebrating family of our own.

I hope this year, that you and your family remember to not only say "hello" that you remember the "good-byes" too. Be thankful for each other. Talk about the good ole days and laugh with it. It will everyone's memory-a good & happy memory. It will be a day to remember, the day Jesus was born. A celebration for all.

"The Poster boy"

deebird611@cox.net (Dee) — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 17:20:00 +0000

There is a poster that hangs on my bedroom door. When you close the door, it hangs there...and then if you are single like me (or even if your married)...you start to drool. Yes. He is a very hot guy, in his blue jeans, shirtless, sexy body. But then it reads this:

"I don't ask for much in a man. He only has to be tall, rich, funny, sexy, single, strong, good-looking, smart, romantic, charming, warm, sweet, sesitive, clever, athletic, kind, generous, punctural, sincere, and of course he as to be willing to feed me ice cream in bed every night for the rest of my life."

Of course, I have to smile when I look at the poster and laugh after reading the recommendations of a man. You can't help but dream for a man like that...and rarely would you find a man like that and if you do, you better hang on to him with a leash. In these days, its not easy finding a good man to love and who can love you back, unconditionally and always, no matter what.

I guess I can dream...seeing that I've been single all my life. A choice I made since I've been in bad relations and of course my fear is to find someone who is as bad as my dad. Maybe that is one thing I lack my faith and trust in and where the fear seems to take over. I know I need to "snap out of it" when it comes to that. LOL... I do. however, at this time of my life, as much I would love to be in a romantic relationship, I can't. Tim does take alot of attention out of me. I have a very liitle social life-if any. My best friend moved back to Texas so I don't go out as much and when I do, it was with the Gainesville Mom's. I don't think I've dated since the last 80's.

Oh I know... that is sad! It's actually pathetic! So maybe for 2009 I make some changes and take the risk? I just don't know where to start. church? clubs? grocery stores? library? social parties? maybe first what I really need is a REAL makeover. That I know I need. No disbute, no doubt, no argument there.

So...will I ever find my "dream" man? Who will I find along my journey this next year, or will I? Maybe after the "makeover" I should again put my faith and trust in the Guy above and maybe by miracle, he will be standing there...all along he had been waiting for me.

Survivors

deebird611@cox.net (Dee) — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 04:26:00 +0000

Survivor. It's a CBS show that I have watched the last 8 seasons. I can remember when it first came on back in 2000. I had just moved into a new town, started a new job and Tim was starting a new school. I was not into Survivor when it first came on...but my fellow workers were. They talked about it every week. You would think I would jump in and just watch the show...eventually I did towards the end; and that is what got me addicted.

I just finished watching the fnale of Coban where they played the game in Africa; and it was one of the best seasons I've watched. The person who I felt should win, did win. He also won as the most best player of the show. A whopping total of $1,100, 000. A physics teacher from the little town in Maine. It proves to you that no matter who plays the game has to have a good stragedy to win the game.

If it was not for my health, I would play the game, as I am so eager to play also Amazing Race, another great reality show. Both shows has your challenge yourself mental, physical and emotional. A lot of physical challenges to get to the end to win the game.

Tim faces his challenges everyday with his disability. His greatest is getting over the final exams and he is challenging himself by not studying for those exams. My challenge is to positively encourag him .... to study those exams to keep his GPA up. Even if right now he does not care. Physically and emotionally he is just to tired and does not want to deal with it. Part of me understand that. However, in a year or two or more, I don't want him to regret that he didn't do his best when he should decide to go back to college. I know he is intelligent, he knows it too. But I guess he is at the point that he feels physcially he just can't do it anymore.

And that scares me. It scares me because I feel he is really giving up on life. I don't if it was due to my own poor health-my exhausation of being his only caregiver or if he feels the disease is winning this battle, no matter how much he (and I) have fought for his own survivor. It scares me because (God forbid) I am afraid he will die sooner than he wants to muchless I think. I had been a big advocate on prolong life due to proper treatment and care and I pray that I have pratice what has been provided to me for him. I know God placed him in my life for a reason and why my "purpose" has been the last 19 or so years. But I don't know if I can "survive" his death. His father has not been there for him muchless for me. His father is a coward. Ran when he heard of the diagnosis...and continues to run like a coward. He had ever oppotunity to be this boy's father and he chose not to. But yet he preaches to his nieces and nephews about "success" when he can't be a successful father. He is souless. Clueless. Guitless. Heartless. Shameless. A two-face. He preaches but he does not practice what he preaches.

But in this world that we live today, we all are survivors. We all face different challenges in our lives. Whether it be physical, mental, spiritually or even emotionally. But it is through this "amazing race" that we face through our journey that helps us to become survivors. It is through the faith, the trust, the strength from God that pulls us through.

Are you a surivor? What "amazing race" have you won to succeed in life?

A College Memory

deebird611@cox.net (Dee) — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 01:10:00 +0000

I have searched for hours. I suddenly had the urge that I needed to find her. She was a college friend that I became close to. We did a lot of crazy things together while at Southern College. I knew she had lived in the Cayman Islands, but there were no guarantees that she was still there- after all it had been since 1984 since I saw her last.

I was going crazy not being able to find that address book that had her last address and phone number. Ten years ago I tried to come in touch with her and it was briefly. But then we lost touch again. Probably my fault. But lately, I had been thinking of her alot...maybe because whenever I hear something about the Caymen Islands I automatically think of her. I've always wanted to go down there, mostly to see her not just visit the Carribbean island but to visit with her. I knew once we sat down that all those memories will flash up and we would remember all the stupid but yet fun things we did in college.

We had attended a private SDA college in Tennessee. It has it ups and downs...its advantages and disadvantages, ya know? So due to that we learned to be creative with our journey in college. Like the big bulky car she bought and lugged around town. Or the apartment she rented for the "insane" boyfirend she had (but he was so cute and so nice!!) or when she tried to set me up with her brother as a "nanny" for his kids. Or how would sneak in Lin into her dorm room and hide him in her closet. LOL yes! we learned to have fun and tried to be as adventous as we can without being caught.

But now I needed to find her. I don't really know why. I just wanted to talk with her again and laugh with her again. I searched the internet. I searched and searched for hours. If I could just remember her mom's address (I remembered part of it) or her brothers name. I tried searching her by her maiden name-there were like hundreds of them. I laughed and wondered if they were all related. I went into different websites trying to find anything that may link me to her...somehow.

Then I found her in one site and from there, I found her at another website. I think I had found her. It was not 100% guranteed, but I believed I had found her. So I sat there and emailed her...hoping this was still her email. But I took the chance and emailed her.

Then this morning, I opened my email and there she was. She had replied to me and it was her! It was her!! I was so excited! I couldn't beleive it, I had found her! Cherry Delight was a name I would never forget. Not just her name, but who she is. I was thankful that she was still alive and well (hey they did have alot of hurricanes down there where many parished). We emailed each other for a few hours.

Then...tonight we talked on the phone. We talked for at least 30 minutes (hey international fares are not cheap!). I was excited that we had finally reconnected. IT was a good feeling to not only reconect with her but to know that she was doing good, she is happy and enjoying life even if she is NOT doing what she graduated with-a biologist. But hey, she is happy with her life, whose complaining!.

thank god for the new technology...without the internet, I might have never found her. and without the internet, she may have not been able to call me (she used through the internet).
I can't wait till the day when I can finally see her again.

It will be a joy...it is going to be fun...it is going to be Awesome!

Thank you Lord for the gift of friends!

Motivation in Recession

deebird611@cox.net (Dee) — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 04:37:00 +0000

I realized today that after next week, Tim will no longer be a student at UF. He will be college-free. Not because of graduation...but because he is "giving up, lost motivation" or as he better said today, "my motivation is in recession. the dow is -500...." lol He took two exams today, exams he did not study on because he just "didn't care" any more.

It seems that no matter what I tried to do, or say, or motivate, or encourage this last few days, it just didn't registered that he needs to keep his GPA high enough for financial aid if he should decide to go back to college in the future, even if it is not UF. But in his own words, " I just don't care!"

I don't know what else to do or even say to him. I can't force him. I do understand his reasons. He has lost alot of abilities, his limitations are really obvious. when it comes to the point that you no longer can feed yourself, type, write, brush your teeth, brush your hair, etc..etc... it does get very discouraging-or better term, depressing.

But to me, as his mother and main moral supporter (not even his day has encouraged him with anything), I feel I have failed him. I feel I should had done more or could have done more. I just don't know what more though. I really couldn't do his work for him. But he now fights me with it and even "threatens" me. I have told him that I want him to have a bright future. I reminded him that he has been foturnate to go to a good college and got plenty of scholarships and grants...and he had good GPA. But now it just does not matter to him. He just feels that his life will not mount anything. Of course, I disagree.

So I 'm not sure how much more I can persuad him. Even his primary doctor and others have encouraged him to stay in college. Do I let him take a break? Will that only make it worse?

He has two more final exams and I have advised him that despite his age, he is going to study with out any TV or his computer anime's Tough!! I just want to make sure his GPA stays above 2.0 and I want to make sure in the later years, he does not regret screwing this up. Know what I mean?

So...beginning January 1, 2009 I will have to start a new blog. Because I no longer will be a "collegemom" I don't know what it will be named...but it will be a new journey in blogging.

Today...I prayed and hope I found a dear friend that I met in college back in the early 80's. Although she lives in the Cayman Islands, I just want to chat with her, catch up and maybe go visit her. I hope I have reconnected with a classmate...a friend.

It's something I hope that someday Tim will experience in his later years.

To Agree or disagree

deebird611@cox.net (Dee) — Sun, 07 Dec 2008 16:36:00 +0000

I'm afraid I might have to do something that will be the hardest thing for me. And it will affect my social life -what little I have of it. But it may be the sacrifice I need to make anyhow.

Although I love and care about many at Gainesville Mom's- I have found that at most times, I don't belong. I feel misplaced. And although I have alot of respect for many there, including their value opinions, even if some may be right or wrong, I don't if many, or all have any for me.

I know we can disagree on many things- especially when it comes to politics. But I sense at times that I'm not wanted. It may be because I don't have a small child. It may be because people just think I'm crazy. It may be that my suggestions are just lame or not worthy enough or respected enough. I don't know. But my intuition speaks louder than anything else.

I cry now, but it won't be the first time I have felt the tears shed. Have you ever been with a crowd of people you think are your friends and suddenly you feel left behind. Left out. Lost. Confuse. Suck. Unwelcomed...to the point at times you feel sick. Not necessariy due to the individuals themselves, but perhaps the behaviors of not wanting to be wanted. I know that may not sound right maybe it sounds crazy. and although I would love to have friends, or even want friends, I'm not really sure if I have friends. I had hoped I did.

I disagree alot with my dad, because he always thinks he is right when most of the time he is wrong-even with" his facts." I noticed his cousin is like this too. they base their information from the wrong resources instead of searching for the correct information. It makes me sad that people depend on "wrong" information and not look to see what is right or wrong. I've learned not to depend on the media or what others say but to search it out first before making my judgment. Its call fairness. And I believe in fairness. I believe in chances. I do.

But I have given many fairness and chances-including Tim's dad, Victor. Far more forgiveness then he deserves...but he gets it anyhow. Maybe its me. Maybe I'm just the stupid one. Maybe more people are laughing at me than I know. I don't know. I could be wrong. I hope I am wrong.

I agree that people deserve fairness and chances and even forgiveness. After all, I know that God has given us this, everyday. I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful for whatever he has given me today, because I may not have tommarrow. Tommarrow is no guarantee. We have right now, today, the present. We need to agree to value life as it is and those we have around us. It is God's gift to us. for every day, God has a plan for us. we may not know what it is and we may not agree with it either...lol. But His plan is to help us become a stronger person, a better person, a understanding person; a forgiving person. So if we have tommarrow, we know what to do with the gifts He has given us.

I agree life is unfair. I hate where my life is going. Where Tim's life is going. I'm watching my son die-slowly. And instead of support from friends and family, I'm left alone to deal with it. I don't know if it because people care or not. I find people running more then coming. I disgree to put him in a group home. I don't want him to feel abandoned. he does not deserve that. No one does. I would feel guilty and ashame. But my feelings don't count, nor does his.

So even if we agree to disagree on different issues & topics, know I'm still sitting here shedding my tears, feeling my fears, worrying what can happen next.

Saved by the Bell..Lost & found

deebird611@cox.net (Dee) — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 18:08:00 +0000

Tim had been preparing for a couple of months (or more) for a class presentation for his Japanese Class. He and his partner, Janelle was in charge in presenting about Anime's. Both have a lot of knowledge in it. So when Janelle came over on Sunday, we had the chance to see the two in work preparing thier slide show, etc...etc...

Then the moment came to present the Anime in class yesterday. After spending time putting it together and ready to present it, the instructor decides not to do it, as he felt his lecture was more important since it was the last class. But wait!!! Wait!! after months putting this together and watching all 40 of the other students present it, Tim and Janelle couldn't do it? And although the lecture was good...it seem unfair. He had decided to let them present it on Tuesday- final exam day. Now the pressure is really on. One problem. Tim isn't taken his exam with the class. He has to go to DRC to do his, so he won't be around to present his portion.

I sort of laughed and told Tim he was saved by the bell for not presenting it, however it is like 15% of his grade. He also had to had an 8-10 page turned in. Well he turned it in, but it was no 8-10 pages. It was moreless just a draft. It was not completed and had alot of the elements missing, so I know that is not going to be the greatest grade. That is suppose to be another 15% of his grade.

I don't what all will happen...but I do know Tim is so tired of classes and exams. And to be frank, so am I. I know for sure he will not be going back to UF next semester or ever. It is just to tiring and I no longer have the energy to do it anymore, nor does he.

So when we got home yesterday, he went back to bed and slept. While he was sleeping, I stepped outside and a little kitty was strolling by....and I called out, "hey kitty kitty"...she turned and looked at met and came running to me. Now I've never seen her before and I don't think she 's seen me, but she came running like she knew me. She was the most friendly and sweetest kitty. She did have a flea collar on her. It was obviously she belong to someone, but no tag. I brought her in and fed her and comfort her and she took it with stride.

However, Baby my cat was NOT happy. She was psssss that this kitty was sleeping in her room, eating her food, drinking her water and hopefully using her litter box. The two hissed at each other, so I knew it was not safe to keep them in the same room (even if Baby basically grew up with 20 cats or more at the Humane socieity, but not for the last year). So I set up Baby's litter box and food and water out side of the room. It has been funny to see her guard that door, pacing the floors and acting like she is all worried about the kitty. I just think she is jealous.

So today, I took some pictures of the kitty and will pass out flyers -only if I can get someone to scan her to see if she has a chip so we can find her home. This cat has something to do of hiding behind washers/dryers and I'm tired of pulling out the dryer so she can get out.

Today, I saw the neurologist-getting ready (again) for the sleep study next week. She put me on some meds that may help with my nightmares. I seem to can't get rid of this headache and yet my sore throat is really feeling better.

Well I need to go find this kitty her home.

Do Not Block the Intersection

deebird611@cox.net (Dee) — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 15:39:00 +0000

I often wonder where people get their driver's license at. I have to laugh, cause I wonder if they get it from the Internet. Its seems that we all forget to follow the rules of the road-which by the way is for our own safety, right? But yet, (LOL) we still ignore it.

What amazes me is that the sign is right there! Right there! looking right down at you. Right next to the light that you are staring at. It clearly reads..."Do Not Block the Intersection" but yet people ignore it and, of course, block the intersection. And guess what? The folks on the other intersection can't go anywhere because cars are blocking their way. It's like, "hello! Can I please go through..." and yeah, those horns starts beeping, and before we know it, its almost chaotic.

I often have to laugh at those who ignore the signs and/or the lights. I don't know if it is a sign of forgetfulness, blindness or just plain ignorance. I sit there...my light is green but I don't dare move, because I know if I do, I will begin the lead of blocking the intersection. And since I'm related to Uncle Murphy (Murphy's law), it will happen. So I do ignore the horns beeping behind me because the light is green, however it is traffic time and the cars in front of me are not moving forward enough for me to cross the intersection. And even if I'm considerate to the others, the cars- ooops, I mean the folks behind me will not be considerate and block the intersection.

It's worse at traffic time- the 4-5pm traffic rush. Ohhhh how much we hate that time of the day. I hate it. But what I hate more so- is those who ignore the traffic signs. Not to mention the idiots who make U-turns in places that clearly says: "No U-turns" and nearly causes an auto wreck because of their ignorance. The sign is right there- right next to the light.

There are reasons why these signs are posted. And as humans, as smart as we are, we choose to be ignorant and make choices that are risky. Oh I know, some people just love being risky. LOL ...including me. But there is a limit to when you want to be risky. You want to be risky, but you don't want to be "stupid risky"....know what I mean?

God often gives us signs to direct us to the right way...its a way that will protect us and keep us safe. It will bring us much joy and happiness when we do follow those signs. When we make the right choice and use good judgment, we skip down our journey knowing that despite the bumps along the way, He will pick us up and give us a little push to keep going. I don't want to make any wrong U-turns or block others from where they need to be at. Including those emergency vehicles.

Help make this a safe & happy holiday for all...& don't forget to "obey" those traffic signs. They are there to protect you and those around you. Keep your eyes open and watch your environment, because even if you are a safe driver, there are a bunch of others who are not.

Tired of Waiting...

deebird611@cox.net (Dee) — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 04:42:00 +0000

Yes, I'm one of those folks who is tired of waiting. Tired of waiting in line. Tired of waiting for the food to be cooked (and I'm the only cook in the house). Tired of waiting for the house to be clean (yet I'm the one responsible for that). Tired of waiting for tickets to go on sale. Tired of waiting for this sore throat to just go away. Tired of waiting at a doctor's appoitment. And oh this is the best one...Tired of waiting at the Emergency room. (we all know that one to well.) And then tired of waiting in line at the pharmacy....ya know? Tired of waiting for the car to be fix. Tired of waiting to grow up...to get old. I can go on and on of what I"m tired of waiting and I'm sure anyone else can add more to the list.

Today I made an appointment with my physician due to a serious and painful sore throat. I was seriously hoping that I didn't have strep throat since I did not want Tim to catch it and he end up sick and back in the hospital again. At least not now. This is is not the time. He has a paper due, a presentation and exams coming up. My appointment was at 3pm. I got there at 2:40pm. I did not see the doctor until 4:45pm . Yes. I sat there...& waited.

The good news I don't have strep throat. However I was referred to the ENT to check my ears and throat and make sure my tonsils was still in tack. By looking in the mirror, I could tell my tonsils were enlarged and red. It hurt to much to drink, to eat, to swallow and even to cough. I was having discomfort laying down-struggling to breathe. I needed another refill on my inhalers as well. She was of course all on top of me about my diabetes....my sugar level was extremely high. I knew it was.

I'm actualy tired of waiting for this semester to end! I know Tim is as well. Just end!

"Just end!" why are so anxious for things to come to an end. Why are we tired of waiting? What is so important that we just can't enjoy this very moment. Are we also tired of waiting for Jesus to come? It's been talked about for years and we are still waiting! Because He is not ready to come and yet we see all the signs that He will be here soon. He is asking us to be patient and to enjoy this moment- to be thankful for it. To be thankful for this very moment that He has created just for each of us to enjoy.

Close your eyes. Take a deep breath...do you hear it? It's His voice whispering in your ears-in your heart. Can you hear the voices singing? Do you hear the wind blowing in the trees? Do you hear the birds singing...or chirping? Do you hear the rivers rushing by? Do you hear the waves of the ocean? If we took this very moment to listen- we hear God talking to us. No need to wait in line for this event. It's here ...everyday!

Pot Pie

deebird611@cox.net (Dee) — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 19:18:00 +0000

My grandniece,"lil' J" and her neighbor friend, Heather.

Traveling to Orlando on Thursday morning, was amazing how many families were still on the road. As we quickly drove past each car or van, you can see mothers or grandmothers trying to find a way to entertain the children either by feeding them or reading to them. These were families on their way to either celebrate the holiday with family or taking a nice small vacation.

Once we got to our desitination, we participated by helping out with the cooking. My sister was working on the turkey at the same time making the stuffing. It smelt so good, the onions, the mushrooms, the celery, the greenbeans and smelling the turkey baking made us all the more hungrier.

My sister had invited some of her friends over, the nighbor with his two daughters (his wife had left him), another male friend of theirs (whose car still sits in the garage with most of its parts missing) and a family from up the road. Their brough several apple and pumpkin pies (she claimed she baked them when she doesnt know how to cook). But then there was my nephew who was to lazy to help and spent most of his time complaining that the food was not on the table yet. Yet he was not doing anything to expedite it.

Once the food was laid out, I made sure I took some pictures ... families gathered around the buffet table and began to pile up their plates with turkey, yams, greenbeen casserole, stuffing (sorted ones), cranberry sauce, mash potatoes, salad and roles. We ate outside on the picnic table -enjoying the cool sunny weather. Later we enjoyed the deliciuos pumpkin and apple pie with cool whip.

Thanksgiving is suppose to be a day of thanksgiving- a day of fest with family and friends- a day to be thankful for the blessings God has given us. God created each of us differently and unique and for special reasons. Like a pot pie, we are deliciously made to serve a good purpose in the world we live in.

Like Thanksgiving, with sorted goods of food, meats, vegetables, potatoes and even the flakey crust- we are God's pot pie. Each of us are uniquely created for a reason to serve a purpose. Whether we are singers, mothers, fathers, mssionaries, teachers, doctors, lawyers, policemen and so on, we all have unique purposes here on earth.

However how you like to make your pot pie and enjoy the frangance and tastes, know that pot pie is a real healthy meal. Which healthy vegetable are you?

Lil' J enjoying her thanksgiving meal.

Thanksgiving Feast

deebird611@cox.net (Dee) — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 16:21:00 +0000

It's the day before Thanksgiving. The house needs to be clean-especially the kitchen (LOL) and the little Turkey roast we got needs to be defrosted. Groceries needs to be put on shelves and my temptation to the eat the pumpkin pie now needs to vanish so I have it to enjoy tommarrow.

Tim has a 8 page essay that needs to be written before the 4th and an anime presentation for his Japaneese class. So we gave up the idea of going to Orlando so that these things can (and WILL!!) get done. So this Thanksgiving, we are spending alone.Tim is still not able to eat solid foods since his hospitalization in September, so he is schedule to see the Gastro next week to see why. He still is having difficulty swallowing as lately I too been having that issue. He can eat soft foods like Mash potatoes or sweet potatoes. So I am making him candy yams for tommarrow and see if maybe he can try the roast turkey. We are going to give it an attempt. He does not like Pumpkin pie at all, or any pie for that matter. Please don't ask me why. He is strange in his own way. Funny...I guess that is how some men are. Even his dad is like this. He is truely a Lopez. Its like...how can you not like Pie? Right?! Only Tim...you gotta love him.

The Florida weather has been playing the Roller Coaster game. I like to blame all the northners or /and Canadians who bring it down and cool off our nice warm weather. Please leave it up there. Florida is our warm state, we like to keep it that way. If we want the cold and snow, we know where to go to get it...lol. I like to still run around bare foot and wear shorts, but its sort of hard to when somebodies bring all that cold weather down.The trees have not turned to those beautiful golden and auburn colors yet here, but know it will soon -at least in Northern Florida it will.

My family (the Bird part) will be scattered throughout USA. Most likely Christmas will be the same. My family apparently don't beleive in Reunions anymore- not even trying Skype. Its like they all are in their little world-all of them. We could go to Orlando and put off the essay til the weekend. But I know Tim, he will put it off till the last minute. I hate that. I'm debating whether we should go to Orlando to be with family. Maybe we should. go....or they can come here. nah that would mean i really would need to clean house....lol. (Ok, I am trying to get out of cleaning the hosue- what a lazy bum! )

I was on my way to go see CJ when I jumped into the van and all it did was "click click"...it did not start. I was like "NO!! not again?!!!" It happened just like this last March. So I'm wondering if God is trying to tell me something, right?! (LOL) After an hour and half, it was finally jumped. Come to find out, this cold weather is really draining alot of batteries. And no, I never got in to see CJ. (sigh!)

So....for me Thanksgiving is about family. Not just all that good food. I love family gathering. There is something about FAMILY. Something special. The thrill of listening to laughter. The excitement of cooking together. The joy of hearing stories. The sacredness of praying together. The santuary of feeling safe...& most of all loved.

Although I have a very dysfunctional wierd but strange family, I"m still thankful for them. And at the rate we are going, I'm afraid the next reunion won't be till we are in Heaven. It's sad and ashame....that there are not enough "Hello's" down here on earth when we do have each other, and to many "good-byes" at funerals where it ends.

Happy Thanksgiving!!.

Finding the Dream

deebird611@cox.net (Dee) — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 23:13:00 +0000

It had been a quiet few days. I finally took the courage to use my crock pot and cooked some fresh vegies and Roast pork. It was good! But quite spicey.

Tim was not feeling well today. He had been having some shortness of breath and a bad headache. I got up this morning, took my shower and got dress getting ready to take him to his classes. But he was just so out of it. I felt bad for him but told him we can go to his later class. By noon, he was still so out of it. I had to leave the choice up to him. Not that we were going anywhere this year anyhow.

Today, I had plan to just lay back for most of the day, since he was choosing not to attend classes. Then I discovered that Baby (our cat) had got into the M&M Premium candy. OH No!!!! I quickly took it from her. She must had mistaken it as her treats. I watched for the most of the day hoping the chocalate did not affect her. She seem to be doing ok after a few hours.

While reading one of the posts in a thread at Gainesville Mom's forum, I learned one of the mom's had a fear of wolves due to a nightmare she had as a child. I could tell the dream or nightmare had a clear message in it. So I told her about. The more she told me about the nightmare, the more I clearly could see what was really going on. But I knew she had to figure it out mostly on her own.

I was reading another friends info on Facebook and found a group praying for a friend with cancer. It also led to another site. Then the news sadly read that she had died on Sunday afternoon. But as I was reading her journal, it clearly was reading that the last few weeks of Valeries life, her parents, her husband and her brother had spent time together traveling up and down the west coast. Living her dream in an RV.

Isn't it just wonderful that Valerie knew that the little time she had, she chose to spend time with her family instead of a hospital dying or feeling sorry for herself? She spent quality and precious time with them-because the memories of good times is what lasts a life time for them, even after she is gone. Now that her battle is over, her husband and parents are taken her home to her final resting place.

I wish I could do this for Timothy...take him to places he wants to visit-people to be with. Its something I think I would want to do if I knew I could.

But now part of me understands why Tim said earlier..."I want to go home."

A Cold Week

deebird611@cox.net (Dee) — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 03:50:00 +0000

I sat down on my recliner chair to rest after a long afternoon. I had opened the bottle of wine to relax on. Sipped a little and then went to lie down to rest my hips and back. I was ready to watch my movie, "Savannah Smiles" but needed to put the cold food away first.

Ok....I don't who the Canadian that brought down this cold weather, but they should had dropped off all the cold weather (and I can't emphasize enought "ALL" the cold weather) -leave it up north and leave the warm weather to us in Florida.

The last few days has been freezing cold. Thursday I had to make sure I brought Tim's Gator blanket to keep him warm. It was even cold in the classrooms. He had his X-rays done on his left shoulder on Wednesday...it came back negative. But yet he is still in so much pain.

I attended the Mom's Night Out with the Gainesville Mom's. We went to Fresco. It is a nice small Italian restaurant. The food was good. I had ordered a dish I have not had a very long time-eggplant parmesan. Today, I went to go attend our Scrapbook afternoon, but no one showed ...:( So Stacy and I discussed the cookbook we want to put together next year along with a few more Gainesville Mom's. After that session, I spent a few hours at one of my favorite places...Super-Walmart. How Suhhhhhweet! I went into purchase only a few things and came out with a cart full of food. I know it will last no more than two weeks.

Due the Economic issues within our state and country is going through, my nephew was unfortunately one of the thousands who lost his job. And of course, it will not be easy to find a new job either.

Sometime I wonder how much longer we will have to deal with all this. It's something we of course will have to deal with until someone tries to fix what Bush has done. But the good news is that the cost of gas is going down. My feeling is this...just a theory whether it be right or wrong, just know others agree with me. As the days come closer that Bush leaves the white house, the more the cost of goes down. He earned his money from all this oil and now he is leaving the presidency, the cost of gas is fallen.

I do hope those who missed out in their summer vacations or trips has a better Christmas.

I finally took a nap today. I needed one. I must had slept for a hour. Then I sat back in my big chair and watched my movie. It was the perfect family movie to watch. I needed the laugh after the tears....then I browsed through the internet before watching move television. The sun had already set...Saturday was coming to an end. One day closer to 2009.

Sunset Praise

deebird611@cox.net (Dee) — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 03:23:00 +0000

I awoke this morning to see the sun shinning, the sky blue but the weather freezing. I am in northern Florida, in Florida. I moved to Florida to get away from the winter weather. I can't stand the cold or even snow. And now that I suffer from Arthristis- it does not help to have all this cold weather, ya know?

Once I got Tim up, dressed and we rolled out into the cold, it was like....burrrrrrr! this is just to cold for my blood. We got through the day just fine. I even ordered him some hot tea from Starbucks- passion (he didn't like it even if I loved it). The weather was indeed to cold for Tim. His small frail body just couldn't handle it. I did bundle him up, but the cold weather caused him alot more pain in his left shoulder. I didn't know what more to do for him. The herbal tea could had helped, if he had drank it.

Then we arrived at his Pysch class. It was on Gender. The subject was moving along just fine. Many of the students were participating in the topic. I raised my hand, because I caught the instructors talking about mothers choosing to work over staying at home, but then she did bring up how some mothers chose to stay home with the kids over working. She was sort of being critical about that. I kept my hand up for at least five (5) or so minutes. I waited and waited for her to call on me to my opinon...but she kept calling on others who raised their hands long after I did and then she decided to change the subject and move on. I felt that they should also be advised or informed that there are many mothers who choose to continue with their careers and still raise their children by working at home. However, she never gave me that opportunity to speak about it.

For some reason it upset me that she continue to ignor me. I stepped out side the classroom for a moment, came back in and sat there again listening to more of the lecture, and then again decided to step out. Part of me was upset due to that she ask for everyone to participate but yet she chooses to ignor some. How can she credit them for participating if she ignores them. I stood up and walked out again and as I walked out the classroom I began to hear music.

I was not sure where it was coming from, but I followed it. And then there they were. A large group of UF students standing there singing Praise music. I continue to walk closer to them, noticing that they were praying. The closer I walked to them the more I heard a guitar and voices singing quietly. Hearing them softly sing praises, I suddenly felt calm and mentally at ease. It was a just a wonderful sense - a circle of love and hope.

I slowly walked away and headed back to Tim's classroom. I felt a little better about myself. I felt God's presence for that moment. I felt a need of belonging and for that moment I belonged to a group that praised God in prayer and song.

When class was done, I was disappointed that the group was gone. When we got back to the van, I found a ticket on my van, not because we were parked in the wrong place but for an expired UF decal. $30!!! I'm going to fight it. But as we drove off, we turned on the radio, and lo & behold the Christmas carols were ringing there.

Despite the cold winter evening, I understood that despite my anger over something small and stupid, God was still there. It took a group of UF students softly singing His praise and their circle of prayer that help me to open my eyes ....& to listen to Him for that one moment.

Isnt' that fabulous!

The Chair

deebird611@cox.net (Dee) — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 20:06:00 +0000

When you look at this chair, what do you automatically think?

If you were to sit on it right now, how would it truely make you feel?

And what does it represent to you in your life?

Of course, when we look at this chair we automatically think of a doctors stool in an exam room. Right?! So what is the signifinces of this exam chair. If you ever sat in it, you probably enjoyed swinging around, roll around, slide up and down and even maybe slouch on it. However, I have found that fun part of it is rolling around...& sliding on the floor. You know, like we did with socks.

The feeling I get when I sit on it- is some type of satisfaction of ownership. I enjoy the feeling of rolling, or swirving in circles. Feeling the little breeze and even the butterfly feeling, until I start feeling dizzy. Part of me also likes to hear it roll on the ground and the loud grounding sound if it rolls on wooden floors. It just reminds me a little bit of what happiness must be. Its just an exciting feeling.

The chair represents alot to me, mostly authority. For some reason when I sit and play on it, at the same time I have that "authority" feeling; even after a childlike play. Its like I have a sense of a very large bubble slowly flowing in the air and crown you with some kind of power. I know we laugh. It probably sounds totally stupid. But maybe at this moment you are having a "flashback" if you ever sat on that chair (or any office chair that swirlves and rolls).

In our lifetime, we have our ups and downs, our swirvling, and even our rolling when we face the tribulations and trials. Perhaps from spinning, we feel lost, confused, & out of control. Out of control...do you ever feel that your life is out of control or/and the things around you are? I know at times I do.

God is our greatest Physician and if we allow Him to sit on the exam chair and help "fix" our sorrows, our pain, the out of control feeling, the lessons from the joy sitting on His chair will give us the power to put our lives back in control . We don't have to be rolling around in anger and hate, or spin in circles with confusion, or slide up n' down in and out of love with ourselves.

That is what the chair means to me....not just an doctors exam chair.

It has power.

It has authority.

It has healing.

God's Art work

deebird611@cox.net (Dee) — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 00:21:00 +0000

I had been browsing the web most of the day, other than trying to read a book. My eyes had become weary. While on Facebook, I read a comment a friend mentioned of the ministry work she and her husband was doing...so I thought I would call and see if I can help with something. We, of course, got to talking not only of the DVd she was working on but all the people we suddenly found on Facebook that we knew from church, academy/HS days, even college and casual friends we have met along the way. We even talked about our kids. But while talking to her she mentioned somone she knew from MM up on NH. I then knew who she was talking about and she told me that her father was dying.

I nearly stood up in shock. Why didn't I know about this? After hanging up with Lorna, I ran to my room and wept. I was so angry that I was not told and was of course afraid it might had been to late to talk to him. I needed to clear my eyes with tears so I can read phone numbers, and I was not able to reach anyone (his ex-wife or his two daughters he adopted that I knew). I was growing more and more discouraged and depressed. Finally, I just left a message on Marcia's voice mail.

The Mietlzers have been like my family to me for many years. I sort of adopted them, as they have "adopted" me. They were just wonderful and fun folks to be with. Marcia at the time was taking nursing, Niel, a well known artist from the west was working at the press/printing office. Their daughter, Charlotte had just graduated from Castle Valley and Carrie was still at Stonecave. I felt that I had a family I could accept or accept me. I knew even in my early 20's I still had a lot of growing to do. But they seem to help make me feel a little more comfortable with myself and we always had fun doing things together.

When I ran off to college and the things of my life, although still kept in contact with them, our relationship sort of distanted. Then they were living in Maryland when I was. They had the cutest cottage in WVA while he worked in Hagerstown. Then suddenly, without any warning and such haste, she left him for another man. I could remember feeling so heart broken. So afriad for both of them. Char and Carrie was already all grown, Char married with a baby and Carrie out and about with her own life. I tried to talk her out of leaving Neil. He is such a good and loving man. He had been good to her and she knew that. But for some reason, she had fallen out of love with him. I knew there probably something more to this, but it didn't matter to me. I felt suddenly this "family" I had was fallen apart and I could do nothing to fix it.

This happened about the time I was ready to get married and of course they were part of the wedding- or would be. But of course even my own engagement fell apart too, and the wedding didn't happen. I wanted so bad for them to stay togther-like a child not wanting parents to divoice and finding guilt and blame. Oh I knew I was not to blame...but still.

Today, I felt the pain again as I learned that Neil, whom I've kept in contact with over the years was ill with Pancreatic cancer. I could not find his number and prayed that he was ok...I needed to talk to him. It was something I needed to do. Marcia and I talked and she gave me his number. She told me what was going on. I still felt the pain of knowing a good friend was suffering. He is now 78 years old...and still works as an artist. His work is beautiful and I admire him for his passion. It is through him that I have learned to really appreciate art. He taught me alot about colors, and even in photography. He gave me one of his professional hassleblad cameras years ago that I used to enhance my photography work. He taught me to appreciate art and photography.

I'm sad to know he is ill, and may leave us. I pray God gives him the strength and hope for a better life. I pray that through this time, God be with him and his family during this tough time. But I know Neil - he will always find a way to make something beautiful out of this, if not in the life he lived, definitatly in his art.

Isn't it amazing how God puts people in our lives and we many not always understand or know why-but He surely finds ways to even teach us how to appreciate the little things. Not just the colorful flowers we ponder upon, but the amazing talent of art that gives us a message in the lines and colors. God's art work and gift to us are artist like Neil Meitzler.

I bow to him with graciousness and stand applauding for his wonderful accomplishments and the gifts, the talents that God has given him.

It just doesn't come soon enough...

deebird611@cox.net (Dee) — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 19:36:00 +0000

I laid on my bed this morning, trying to wake up. I turned over and realized my radio was sitting there, reaching over I switched it on hoping to listen to something I can lay and enjoy, but the first few notes told me they were already playing Christmas music. I quickly switched it off. It's just to soon to listen to Christmas music for me. These holidays have become to commercialized and it really ruins the joy of the what the holiday is really about. I heard it again early this evening while driving on the road....but it clicked as I listened, there is something about hearing Christmas carols.

I can remember as a child what Christmas was about in our family. It was just not the gifts, but the joy and time together. Now as adults, and trying to bring in our own family tradition, I realized I have failed that with my son. But even he saw how the holidays have turned into something else. So on Christmas, Tim and I just treat it like a normal day, other than have the goods of the food. Nothing like a good turkey, cranberry sauce, sweet potatoes or candy yams, mash potatoes with gravy, corn bread and of course for me, pumpkin pie! (Tim hates pies and I'm not sure why!)

Thanksgiving shouldn't be the one day of thankfulness...everyday should be. Yes, we have the joy of coming together and eat alot of good food- no doubt that is every one's favorite part of the day. But I'm afraid most people forget to be thankful for what they have and who they are with every day. Thanksgiving is a day to celebrate, it reminds us of our fathers who came to this country to give us freedom- freedom of values, of religion, of dignity, of hope....should I go on. I think we all know where I'm going here.

Christmas is not to far away from now...we all are most anxious for that day to come and it won't come soon enough. To most with small children, we will have the joy of watching our children excitedly open their gifts. It will bring back alot of memories for most of us. Days of our childhoods- happy moments.

At Christmas time, I think of my late grandmother, Rose. December 24 was her birthday and December 26 was her wedding anniversary. I remembered she told me once that she was cheated out - she only got one gift for the three days...not the three as she kept telling herself. I had to laugh. Anyone would think that. A gift for each day, her birthday, Christmas and then her wedding anniversary. On June 4, 1999 she passed away from pneumonia. We had her memorial service two weeks later. Many of her children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, nieces, nephews and friends surrounded her little grave site to share their love and memories of her. She will be forever the patriarch of our family, even if she is gone.

Well...I'm going to sit back, enjoy my hot apple cider and reminisce my childhood Christmas memories...of my mother, my grandparents, my siblings...& with God.

College & physical Challenges

deebird611@cox.net (Dee) — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 02:40:00 +0000

I actually got up earlier enough today to do some house cleaning. I had a goal of what needed to be done by noon. By the time I was done with the second room, I was so tired and in pain. My back and legs could not hold me up any further. The Arthritis is just getting worse. However, I did enjoy listening to my CD- music from the 80's! nothing memories of the old days! LOL

While at Tim's doctor appointment, I thought I would collapse. The pain in my lower back and hips was just unbearable. But I survived it...like always.

Tim's doctor was glad to see him...she is a joy to be with. She really likes Tim and really looks after him. She was pleased that he had gained alot more weight. She was concern of his left shoulder and the pain. She was also concern that he was quiting college due to his physical limitations. She encouraged him to go back next semsester if possible. I have encouraged him too, however I don't know how much I physically can handle it either. So I suggest that he try to keep his GPA up so he can still get Financial Aid if he should take online colllege classes.

I had a sleep study scheduled for today... the nightmares, the night terrors I beleive does cause the snoring...since I can hear myself snore and I notice when I do have the nightmares. I also have noticed at times when waking up that I can't catch my breath. But when I got there, they seem not to have me on their schedule. It seem to be a conflict since I was holding the papers they had mailed to me and there it was on the forms, for November 14. Apparently my scheduled test was cancelled and someone failed to tell me...since they failed to confirm the appointment. They claimed they called, only I was home all day and the phone never rang. I was gone only a few hours today, and there is nothing on my caller ID or voice mail. So....<>.

Tim is working on his Japaneese paper...at least I think he is. It is due on December 4 and it has to be at least 10 pages long. He is writing his paper on the Samauri. Even I am enjoying that class. I would love to go visit Japan. Someday.

Well...I need to go check my email, face book (again) and my other groups. I'll be back, but can't promise when....

I have had a thought that has come to mind...I would like to coinsider being a foster parent one day. However, despite my experience with special needs, I don't think I would do it again. I don't know. I guess it is something to pray about.

Not Now-Wait till later

deebird611@cox.net (Dee) — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 19:48:00 +0000

"Not now...maybe later".... I heard this so many times in my life. And I wait till later and again, I hear the same "excuse". Its like later never comes and if it does, it is still swept under the carpet, like it is just not worthy or important enough for now.

Now. Now because tommarrow may never come. We don't know about our tomorrows, so what we can do in the present could be a privilege, special and it is important.

Life is often full of disappointments and discouragements, including little projects and big projects that we create to not only help motivate us to live on, but you know in the long run it can or will benefit many others. At least that is what I normally get involve with. I've tried to do projects (OK, not my scrapbook) that might benefit me, but I'm not really happy unless it is truly benefiting others. Its gives me the motivation, the joy, the excitement to live on...to move on.

For me, I may not have "later", when I have the present. Now is the time to feel motivated, the excitement and the joy. If I wait till later, I may no longer feel motivated or excited or the joy. It comes with my depression. So when I have something NOW to keep me out of my depression, then I refuse to accept the "Not now, wait till later."

I know in our busy lives, it seems that waiting for later is better than now. Oh I understand that totally. I can be the biggest procrastinator. But guess what? Its due to my procrastination that causes me to loose my motivation, my excitement and my joy in getting something important done.

Has anyone else felt this way? Procrastinate or take the big step and do it now! Are you a "not now, wait till later" or you like me at times and be spontaneous?

One simple question, what if you didn't have a tomorrow (or later), then what? How do you deal with this, if you do? Is it a coping skill you've learned to deal with? If so, what do yo do; if not, how do you deal with it? Are there any reqrets from the past that you "waited till later."

When there are to little 'Hello's"

deebird611@cox.net (Dee) — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 19:42:00 +0000

I have been having confusing feelings. Not sure what I'm suppose to really think, feel or say. I think I've been setting myself up for a great disappointment- maybe desperately needing to be accepted.

Then after a year, today I saw something air on television that I didn't think would ever happen. A year ago, after Catherines death, I was on the local news about that accident and after the interview I had given the reporter a DVD from the PPMD Advocacy with Olympia Durkasis on it. I didn't think they would air it since they were the MDA Telethon and there seem to be a "conflict." I had to laugh. Who cares! Its all about Awareness. Its all about findng a cure for Muscular Dystrophy. But suddenly today, our voice was heard here in Gainesville by airing the PPMD Advocacy DVD. It was just sweet air to hear and see it. I could not help but jump with excitment. I had to call and write them to thank them!!! Thank you!!

However, I was still feeling stuck with something else. You see, I'm a family person. To me, family is important. Its the link to who we are, where we are from and its the support to our good and bad times, for each other. Its the times together that we can laugh with the happy times and stories, and the times we cry together when a love one is gone. Though I wonder how my family would really remember me if I should be "gone".

I feel my efforts of somehow keeping this family together - somehow keep & stay connected. I have thrown out ideas of family reunions, online connections and even video (internet) conference and so on seems to go on as useless. No one responses. Its like no one cares.

Over a year ago, I asked my siblings to send me recent photos of them and their family. Until this day, no one has responded. I even suggested to my siblings that we get together this Christmas and have it my dads. We have not done this since we were children. NO one has responded. I feel all my suggestions and ideas are just useless. Why do I keep doing this. Why do I keep making suggesions and persistent in having a reunion when no one wants to do it or care to do it. I never hear from my brother or my eldest sister. But I do make the effort to contact them.

For many years, since Tim's diagnosis, I've asked to help support by raising money for organizations like PPMD. and while there are some relatives who have cared to do it, I think after so many years they do get tired of giving. I think I can understand that. So I stopped the fund raisings. Even I got tired asking, even if I do want to save my son's life...I don't think anyone else cares to do so, inlcuding his father. It does get tiring, exhausting. Worrisome and wearisome. I get it.

So...you can see why I may feel the way I do. I'm afraid my little miracle of a family gathering won't be till someone dies. Sad as it may be that people make the effort to come say "good bye" to someone but they could not make the effort to come and say "hello."

When was the last time, you made the effort to go say "hello" to family member (s). Are you lucky enough to have family close enough to say alot of "hello's" that the good byes are terribly hard. Or are you like me, where there are few "hello's" and lot more "good-bye's"

So...(God forbid) if you should unfortnatley taken away from us in this world, how would you want your family (and friends ) to remember you?

I Want to go Home

deebird611@cox.net (Dee) — Sun, 09 Nov 2008 03:36:00 +0000

As I was assisting my son with the adjustment of his wheel chair, my son suddenly blurted:

"I want to go home"

I looked at him strangely. He chuckled abit and looked up at me, "I don't know why I said that." He chuckled again.

" Are you wanting to go back to Sebring, or Orlando?" I asked him. He laughed again.
"No."

"so why are feeling like this?" I was curious.

"I'm not sure, I've been feeling like this for a long time." He replied. And the conversation ended there.

I thought it was interesting that suddenly Timothy felt he needed to go "home". To which neither of us understood why he felt this way. But then I got thinking, is Tim's body really deteriorating so much that maybe his home is someplace other than here on earth? Why did he feel the need to go home?

I think the way things are going on right now in this world, I think many of us are feeling the need to go home.

Is Tim feeling homesick? I know at times I feel homesick. Do you feel homesick at times too? Wanting to go home.

When you think, "I want to go home", what comes to your mind?

I have been helping Tim with alot of his class work due to his physical limitations. He has a 8 page paper to write on the Samarai. We have watched the movie, "Twilight Samaurai" and now having to find the resources. I found it interesting that these men are so high skilled trained to be warriors but lived poorly. In this movie, he chooses to fight over to kill a man, and not with a sword but a bamboo sword...only because of his morals and values. But when he returns home, he finds a treasure he could not resist and kept till the day of his death.

My son wants to go home....I just wish I knew for sure where that is...& when he will leave. I hope soon he will realize that he is already home.

TGIF

deebird611@cox.net (Dee) — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 22:52:00 +0000

So lately, I have been in so much pain. My low back, hips and downward. Sometimes just to painful to get up from the chair or the sofa. I just can't take it anymore. It worries me, because at times, its to painful to lift Tim- or to move him, adjust him in his chair. So I just sigh for now and pray that God gives me some kind of answer? Ok...there is Advile...or Aleve. I can take something stronger maybe. But lately, I've been having problems swollowing. Even pills. Often liquids. And my stomach is just....ugh! (LOL) I feel I'm just getting old.

Today I got a packege in the mail. I had been waiting for this packege for a year now. Yes, a year. Last summer (2007) I hosted my High school homecoming in Chattanooga and many, of course, took pictures and video. Its finally done. 3.5 hours of photos and video of our reunion. ITs nice to see faces and hear people having a wonderful time. I hope my fellow classmates/alumni enjoy their DVD's when they receive them. Beleive it or not-me, the person who loves to take pictures and video- hardly did any. Seriously. No...I'm sorry...Crazy!!!! Me?! the so call photographer. I guess I was to busy putting events together I just didn't have time.

This evening, I found several College friends on Facebook...some whom I went to Academy with. Some I knew from church when I lived in Maryland. Some I just remember doing fun thngs at College. Isn't it nice to reconnect. I even ran into one gal I never met only knew by penpal but we both had a crush on the same guy. OMG! this is 30 years later and we reconnected...on Facebook.

Well...nothing new with Tim. He is hungry...so I'm going to order some Chineese food. Anyone want some?