To Agree or disagree

I'm afraid I might have to do something that will be the hardest thing for me. And it will affect my social life -what little I have of it. But it may be the sacrifice I need to make anyhow.

Although I love and care about many at Gainesville Mom's- I have found that at most times, I don't belong. I feel misplaced. And although I have alot of respect for many there, including their value opinions, even if some may be right or wrong, I don't if many, or all have any for me.

I know we can disagree on many things- especially when it comes to politics. But I sense at times that I'm not wanted. It may be because I don't have a small child. It may be because people just think I'm crazy. It may be that my suggestions are just lame or not worthy enough or respected enough. I don't know. But my intuition speaks louder than anything else.

I cry now, but it won't be the first time I have felt the tears shed. Have you ever been with a crowd of people you think are your friends and suddenly you feel left behind. Left out. Lost. Confuse. Suck. Unwelcomed...to the point at times you feel sick. Not necessariy due to the individuals themselves, but perhaps the behaviors of not wanting to be wanted. I know that may not sound right maybe it sounds crazy. and although I would love to have friends, or even want friends, I'm not really sure if I have friends. I had hoped I did.

I disagree alot with my dad, because he always thinks he is right when most of the time he is wrong-even with" his facts." I noticed his cousin is like this too. they base their information from the wrong resources instead of searching for the correct information. It makes me sad that people depend on "wrong" information and not look to see what is right or wrong. I've learned not to depend on the media or what others say but to search it out first before making my judgment. Its call fairness. And I believe in fairness. I believe in chances. I do.

But I have given many fairness and chances-including Tim's dad, Victor. Far more forgiveness then he deserves...but he gets it anyhow. Maybe its me. Maybe I'm just the stupid one. Maybe more people are laughing at me than I know. I don't know. I could be wrong. I hope I am wrong.

I agree that people deserve fairness and chances and even forgiveness. After all, I know that God has given us this, everyday. I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful for whatever he has given me today, because I may not have tommarrow. Tommarrow is no guarantee. We have right now, today, the present. We need to agree to value life as it is and those we have around us. It is God's gift to us. for every day, God has a plan for us. we may not know what it is and we may not agree with it either...lol. But His plan is to help us become a stronger person, a better person, a understanding person; a forgiving person. So if we have tommarrow, we know what to do with the gifts He has given us.

I agree life is unfair. I hate where my life is going. Where Tim's life is going. I'm watching my son die-slowly. And instead of support from friends and family, I'm left alone to deal with it. I don't know if it because people care or not. I find people running more then coming. I disgree to put him in a group home. I don't want him to feel abandoned. he does not deserve that. No one does. I would feel guilty and ashame. But my feelings don't count, nor does his.

So even if we agree to disagree on different issues & topics, know I'm still sitting here shedding my tears, feeling my fears, worrying what can happen next.