September fall

It had been a clear day, the sun's was radiant. You can feel it scorching down on our over-heated body. Tim was not doing much at all, but he was sweating as I lifted him to carry him to the van. I was already feeling the thirst in my mouth. I needed some cold water to satisfy my weak and tired body.

I scooted his power wheel chair up into the back of the van. Locked the front door and jump into our van. We were out of gas, it would be our first errand. I had to take Tim back in to see his doctor. He was not doing well. He still had problems coughing and breathing and was still not eating solid foods. I was feeling exhausted but at the same time very worried about his condition.

CJ had called early in the morning to remind me of my appoitment with her. The day before had been just a quiet day. Tim was feeling weak, exhausted and breathless. I had made an appointment to see Dr. N again. Just to be on the safe side. I had gone to see my own doctor and asked again to for a sleep study. I finally got the referral.

I was awakened early this morning by Tim. I could hear him in the background asking me if I was ok, as it seems my breathing was not on track. I was having another one of my many horrid night terrors/nightmares. It was just to scary -and breathless.

After filling the van up with gas, we made it to his doctor appoinment. We waited nearly an hour before we saw the doctor. She was concern and thought he should go back into the hospital. She could still hear the crackling in his lungs. His O2 was like about 92-96 but not his normal 100%. She wanted him to see his pulmonologist right away and see if the bipap can be adjusted.

I had hoped that today he could go back to classes. He wanted to try at least one class. But I was afraid the way he was and if he needed the bipap it would not be there. So we figure we would wait till maybe Thursday and see how he does. The doctor figured it may take several weeks before he gets energy back. He can't wait that long to go back to classes. So hopefully tommarrow we can start some of the classwork.

I finally saw CJ today. I couldn't beleive that she dyed her hair autumn red. I was use to her being gray or blond. It gave her color to her skin since she has been so ill. I feel for her. A subject came up- my mother's death aniversary. It had been 37 years since my mother was murdered. It was a day I will never forget. My mother's death was the result of a domestic abuse. Her 34 years of life taken so short. Leaving behind 6 children. I still can't beleive or understand it all. For the last 37 years I have tried to find out the truth of that day. Only 3 people know what really happen that day, and only one of them is unable to voice it. My youngest brother witnessed it and although he may keep the deep secretes of that day, it has affected him tremondously as an adult now. Part of me lives with the guilt of knowing I had the chance to go into her room that morning to give her that last kiss. If I had known that she would not come home and that would be the last time I saw her, I would had done what I usually did every morning. But that day, I chose not to. I chose not to go into her room and not give her that (last) kiss. To me, it was the curse of the day. Perhaps...maybe it might had prevented her death.

Over the years, I 'v heard so many stories of what happened that day. It seem like every adult of that time told me something different to what happened. No one was on the same page. No one could tell us what happened. So one day, in the early 90's, I went to the court house and I pulled out the records and read the police reports, the Medical examiners report and the witnesses report. It was then, I knew a conspiracy was going on. For now I was reading the 5th version. My mother was brutely murdered and no one wanted to admit to what really happened. I suppose by lying, they thought they were protecting us.

My father didn't allow us to go to her funeral. His mistake. As no closure came to me even if it was a closed coffin. I needed that closure. As it made it so hard to accept or belive she had died.

When my maternal grandmother passed away in 1998, she was laid above my mother. I could remember my brother, Danny, like me, was struggling to see our mother's coffin. There was that need of connection. There was that need to at least try to accept that loss. There was that need to ...let go.

Every year, it has been the ups and downs of accepting my mother death. I deal with it differenly each year. Some years, its just another day, while other years its a day of grief and pain. Where is she? Why isn't she here? Why can't she be here to enjoy her life and her grandkids lives.

The sun has set now. The warm evening reminds us of the Florida fall. The trees have not yet changed colors, but its coming eventually. Its time to rest the mind, the thoughts, the feelings, the pain. It's time to ....move on.